THEGAYUK

Category: Just For Fun

  • 10 thing straight people say to gay people that would be funny if they weren’t so tragic

    It’s curious, we’re told that it’s very acceptable to be gay in Britain today but there’s an undercurrent of unease that still persists.

    So, I’m not one of those gays who gets all huffy when anyone who’s heterosexual asks questions about being gay – after all, how do you expect to learn if you don’t ask – and don’t say “Google it”. You can only learn so much from a web search. Sometimes things need a personal explanation. So, here are some of the things that are kinda funny but tragic that have been asked or said to me in recent years.

    You can only learn so much from a web search. Sometimes things need a personal explanation. So, here are some of the things that are kinda funny but tragic that have been asked or said to me in recent years.

    I’m don’t mind…

    To be fair my homosexual revelation came as a shock to this particular woman. She may have been edging for a date… who knows. I’m glad you don’t mind. but I wasn’t looking for your disdain or approval.

    I’ve been to a gay wedding

    How sweet. But it did doesn’t give you brownie points for attending.

    I’ve got a gay best friend…

    Ask yourself – did you need to put the ‘gay’ in there. You don’t need to prove your gay-friendly credentials to me – just yourself.

    My cousin (insert name here) is gay – do you know him?

    Yes. We are all linked by gaydar. It’s how all homos keep in touch. It’s got local and international calls and the rates are cheaper than BT.

    Are you married – what’s her name?

    His name is Graham.

    You guys are so cute together, which one is the woman?

    Thank you for the validations. Neither of us is a woman. If you’re asking which role we take in the bedroom we’re going to need a whole lot more wine.

    When did you choose to be gay

    I dunno when did you choose to be straight? If you’re asking when did realise I was gay – I was 5-years-old. When was I finally admit to myself that I was gay? 20-years-old. That was 15 long, lonely years feeling awkward, alone and afraid.

    How do you know you’re gay if you’ve not been with a girl?

    Why are you even asking this? Would a gay person ever ask, ‘how do you know you’re straight if you’ve not been with someone of the same-sex? It’s just something you just know.

    Why do you always have to talk about dirty things… You seem like a lovely homosexual but…

    This was honestly was said to me. Now bearing in mind I hadn’t even said a word to this older woman. I was standing by a card rack full of “naughty” greeting cards we sell – and one of them says, “My Penis Approves Of You”. Bless her she obviously doesn’t realise that penises are a straight thing too and straight people talk about them as well. (If you’ve ever witnessed a hen party, you’ll know that it’s a common theme! Bravo.)

    You don’t seem gay…

    Well, I am. You just wait. Give me a spotlight, some Kylie and promises of a unicorn and I will be so gay for you.

  • How well do you know your gay cinema?

    How well do you know your gay cinema?

    Okay… we’ve been working out a totally evil gay film quiz… Are you ready?

  • 20 #BritishThreatLevels tweets every gay man needs to see

    20 #BritishThreatLevels tweets every gay man needs to see

    In the wake of the attack in Manchester, the UK’s threat level has been raised from severe to critical – the first time this has happened since June 2007.

    Nerivill / Pixabay

     

    But the nation doesn’t seem to be bothered, instead, getting into the spirit of the times by pointing out just what constitutes an actual threat to the British way of life. #BritishThreatLevels has been the top trending topic on UK Twitter for most of Wednesday, and the responses are bloody brill.

    I’m a political nerd, so I immediately went to check out what the politicians and journalists were saying – and I wasn’t disappointed:

     

    https://twitter.com/RupertMyers/status/867325576964706304

     

    https://twitter.com/JamesMelville/status/867349299537088513

     

     

    But there were a few that any gay man can appreciate:

    https://twitter.com/RichardBabley/status/867349975902162945

    https://twitter.com/GeckoKid_WOW/status/867336593023131654

    https://twitter.com/DanielRidsdale/status/867367982669975552

     

    And some that are just too true not to mention:

    https://twitter.com/cjlatimer16/status/867370750155649024

    https://twitter.com/BrummieCanary02/status/867411373650792448

     

    On a day we all doubtlessly needed a laugh, you lot came through. Well done.

     

  • Three things you need to do if you move in with your boyfriend

    The concept of nesting with your long term boyf can be about as appealing as being stranded with Katie Hopkins in Halifax’s ASDA car park.

    gay boys moving in with each other
    CREDIT: Wavebreak Media Ltd bigstock

    Sharing ya feng shui-ed, Versace Barocco gold leaf and Royal Blue wallpapered boudoir on a permanent basis. Coming home to that bouncy and easily excitable person every night. And of course dividing the responsibility for buying the loo-roll, Lurpack and lube. The colour can drain from a relationship quicker than a pair of over-washed Primark jeans.

    Once you’ve stumbled across that compatible stud-muffin and Cupid’s arrow has been firmly wedged deep inside your person – living together is inevitable for most.

    Here are three tips from an experienced nester six months in.

    1) When your 70 squid pot of face firming cream gets mistaken for Anusol, look on the bright side. It’ll be a smoother ride for you in the long run.

    2) Bottom burps can lift spirits at dawn’s crack. If your partner lets a cheeky one slip first thing, don’t curl your toes in repulsion. Embrace said puff and giggle away your morning blues.

    3) Hire a cleaner.

    Take these three gems onboard and look forward to a more harmonious, homo home life.

  • 7 amazing things about gay men and their girlfriends

    Gay men and women have played together since before Barbie and anal beads were invented.

    There are the girls you don’t speak to or hangout with every week but you consider them your good pals. And there’s the ladies you can’t get off the blower. They’re glued to your Dsquared2, black leather biker jacket sleeve, and they fill in the gaps when there’s no love interest – your fruit fly, fag hag queen bee, flame dame or fairy princess.

    Both have expectations!

    The female friends you don’t see often.

    Plus one

    When said friend is invited to a wedding, bar mitzvah or social engagement you might be summoned to fill in as her plus one if she’s single. Be prepared to be dropped quicker than a bag of Whole Foods organic yams if she lays her hands on a ripped, Brazilian cage fighter.

    Entertainer

    Your scintillating repartee is one of the reasons she adores you, and why you’re invited to most of her soirees. You’re cheaper than a magician.

    Sex advice

    Who needs Cosmopolitan magazine for sex advice. You know how to handle said tool and you own one.

    Advice

    You’re her agony aunt. All gays are good listeners and they give the best advice.

    The fully-fleged gay boy loving gals

    All of the above plus extras.

    Plus one extra…

    Your fruit fly will want to be invited to the opening of your sock drawer as well as a heavy, disco-ball-swinging night out at G-A-Y.

    Number one

    She’ll assume she’s your number one girl and should be made a priority in all situations. She could turn from pretty, perfectly preened princess into grouchy, green-eyed gremlin if this doesn’t happen.

    Unrequited love

    Gay boy loving gals require the same reassuring belly tickles, pettings and cuddles as your prized cockapoo.

    But let’s face it chaps, when the glass slipper is on the other immaculately pedicured tootsie, we demand just as much, probably more. We’re just a grand piano minus the candelabra without them.

    Thank Liza for all our female chums.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • 10 things you know as a gay guy in your 30s

    Shock horror younglings, gay men in their 30s do exist, I am one of them. And here is my helpful tongue in cheek guide to traversing the minefield of being classed as over the hill by anyone who’s under 25.

    1. It creeps up on you faster than you think.

    http://gph.is/1UkkJdN

    When I was but a wee gay nipper myself back In the early 2000s I never thought 30 would happen. But time marches on, and suddenly I was 30 before I knew it. There’s only 52 Saturday nights to be had in a year, and those goes shockingly quickly. In just a few short years, you too will be a bitter old queen writing articles about how to cope being in your 30s.

    2. Beauty fades, dumb is forever

    http://gph.is/XLjZ6y
    Here’s a tip for you, you aren’t going stay looking the same for the rest of your life, and let’s face it, getting surgery or fillers will make you end up looking like a permanently shocked shop mannequin, or Madonna. So for the love of god, please teach yourself some skills that don’t involve how to get into a pair of skinny jeans.

    3. You WILL lose those luscious locks.

    http://gph.is/29Fls7m

    I still feel a slight pang of jealousy towards the young gays who can have any hairstyle and colour they want, I used to do it myself, but these days I’ve only got 12 hairs, and three of them are my husbands. But there is a high chance that by your 30s you too will either be bald, or balding. So make the most of your hair while you have it, but once you start losing it, shave that stuff off and grow a beard, or invest in some really ridiculous wigs.

    4. You have to become fabulous

    http://gph.is/2jI8mip

    In order to stay relevant on the gay scene, you will have to become hilarious and fabulous. One liners will have to actually be witty, and you need them to distract from your gnarled old face and rapidly vanishing hairline, you will have to become a talking point but luckily, by your 30s you should have met a group of people who put up with your crazy notions of “good music” and who will sit with you and judge everyone else.

    5. Nightclubs will become a chore

    http://gph.is/15CoNhx

    Not only do hangovers last a lot longer, attempting a death drop could result in breaking a hip, and you’ll also find yourself resenting the fact that you can no longer tell when one song ends and another begins. You also don’t want to have to deal with the drama that young gays manage to get themselves into. While in your youth you could cope with the crying friend, the horny friend and the throwing up friend all in one night, once you’re past 30, most of the time your find the expression “oh for f***s sake, what now?” will become a staple of your vocabulary when dealing with the 18 year olds.

    6. It becomes a lot harder to maintain your figure.

    http://gph.is/2d1Xjvo

    That skinny twink body of yours you so love, yep that’ll go the way of your hairline once you get past 25, and it becomes a lot harder to maintain it without taking out a pact with the devil. That whole pizza and cheesy chips you managed to cram down after a night out, will now stay on your hips unless you run a marathon or rig up a home liposuction device using a funnel, a hose and a Dyson.

    7. Hookups in their 40s become a viable option.

    http://gph.is/2ghqsDE

    When you’re 20, the idea of hooking up with a guy in his 40s might seem like a terrible idea unless he’s rich, has a heart condition and you really like loud indoor fireworks. But in your 30s you realise a guy of 40, could only be 5 years older than you and they are the only ones paying you attention on Grindr anymore.

    8 And on the subject of hookups…

    http://gph.is/2lMWs3s

    In one’s youth, you can be ready for a hookup at the snap of a finger and with pretty much anyone. you’d meet a guy in the club, go back to his place and be careful not to wake up his parents. Even an invitation of “can you meet now?” on Grindr is ok, because you know your feet won’t ache if you walk a mile. Past 30, if someone were to ask “meet now?” You’d have to think about whether you can be bothered to travel that far and whether it’s worth having to have another shower for what could potentially be a lacklustre blowjob.

    9. Popularity isn’t everything

    http://gph.is/1SGkont

    The wisdom of old age makes you understand popularity doesn’t mean a goddamn thing if the people who hang around with you wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire, they’d most likely Snapchat it and try to go viral, so they too can become a vapid attention seeking whore. But fear not young gay, by your 30s the people who have stuck around are the ones who will have your back and most likely be able to provide bail money.

    10. You can still have a f**king good time

    http://gph.is/1uaonYi

    It’s not all doom and gloom, by your 30s you’ll have found yourself, and find the whole idea of the gay scene infinitely amusing and you can appreciate it a lot more. You’ll have met so many different types of people that hardly anything will be a surprise, but you’ll have enough experience not to care. You’ve loved and learned and become a better person for it, so strap on your safety belts, it’s still a hell of a ride.

    https://twitter.com/AndyEG1982

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  • Guy covers himself in Mentos and jumps in bath of coke

    It has to be seen to be believed.

    So, do you remember those experiments where they put Mentos in a bottle of diet coke and the whole thing explodes in a frothy climax – very much like us whilst listen to Bette Midler atop our unicorn. (Watch the original below) Well, this guy from Japan has tried the ultimate Mentos challenge.

    He starts by unwrapping hundreds of packets of Mentos, then covers his body with sellotape and plunges himself into the world’s smallest hot tub full of Coke Zero. However, the results aren’t exactly as expected.

    The clever bods at iflscience.com explain, “When the candy’s porous surface, gelatin, and gum arabic combined with the potassium benzoate, aspartame, and carbonation in the soda, the CO2 gets released incredibly rapidly, producing a tremendous amount of foam. When forced to go through the bottle’s narrow opening, this creates a huge geyser.”

    It’s been watched over 22 million times… Go on add a few more views. He needs to pay off the costs of his Coke Zero and Mentos.

  • This guy totally nails Britney’s Toxic onboard a real jet

    This airline worker has totally nailed Britney’s iconic Toxic routine on board a real life jet.

    Assraf Nasir has pulled off the best version of Britney’s “Toxic” we’ve ever seen (although Craig Revel Horwood’s in Lip Sync Battle UK was pretty darn good). Assraf, however, has the extra added bonus of being a real-life worker for an airline.

    https://twitter.com/FarhanRzman/status/842405850673111040

    As in Britney’s original chart-topper, 2003’s “Toxic”, Assraf dances down the aisles, sings into the intercom and pushes a food trolley down the Airbus 330’s cabin – all in perfect precision – mimicking Britney’s very own dance moves for the hit.

    The 1-minute film starts with the airline worker singing into the aircraft’s intercom system. He perfectly manages to lipsync to the song’s words.

    Then he perfectly dances the exact routine to the 2003 Britney hit.

    Just as in the original video, a food trolley is used to run through the aeroplane’s main cabin. The video has already been retweeted over 4,000 times as Britney’s fanbase fall in love with the viral video.

  • These guys share what they like to compare their peens with

    These guys share what they like to compare their peens with

    Having a huge peen tends to make the owner want to compare it to things…

    CREDIT: Feel Photo Art / Big Stock Photos

    We’ve all seen those pics – probably shared over Grindr – the dick alongside the remote, the dick alongside the can of Coke etc. Well there is an entire thread on Reddit solely devoted to what guys with big dicks like to compare their equipment to. It’s quite enlighting.

    These guys share their favourite things:

    A can of Redbull

    Lining it up with what you’re about to penetrate – to see how far it will go in.

    A can of Glade

    The TV remote

    ALSO READ:

  • The dirtiest things you shouldn’t touch in a hotel room
  • 7 reasons your penis does not smell so good
  • 5 hilarious budget “Penis Enlargement” gadgets sold on Amazon

    • Subway Sandwiches

    A soda can

    and our favourite, a suntan lotion…

    Another Redditor explained that a long-distance crush sent a picture comparing his penis to a can of sunscreen and then sent a follow-up apologising for not sending one with a banana for scale. Firstly you have to commend his commitment to slip slop slap. Better to be safe than sorry.

  • Best and worst places to pop the question to your man this Valentine’s

    A new survey of nearly 3,000 Brits said the location to pop the question was more important than the ring itself and that your words of love spoken during the proposal would make or break the deal for a third of them.

    CREDIT: © focuspocusltd Depositphotos

    The survey compiled by AttractionTix.co.uk revealed the following best and worst places to propose this Valentine’s, unless you’re part of the 40% who said Valentine’s was a bad day to propose, but overall February was a good month to say ‘Will you marry me?’

    CREDIT: ©-daboost-Depositphotos

     

    THE TOP FIVE LOCATIONS TO PROPOSE

    A sentimental location

    A famous landmark

    A theme park

    A beach

    A sporting event

     

    CREDIT: ©-everett225-Depositphotos

     

    TOP FIVE WORST LOCATIONS TO PROPOSE

    At a surprise engagement party

    At home

    At work

    At a family event

    At a restaurant

     

    So there you have it. If the mood does take you to propose to a loved one (hopefully!) this Valentine’s, then try to avoid holding a surprise party in the local chippy with the family and friends, but instead get yourself some tickets for Alton Towers, then at least if he says no you can leave him on the Oblivion rollercoaster so he can also get that heart sinking feeling.

  • 5 things that are actually the worst about shopping

    Last week I experienced something horrific: shopping on Oxford Street.

    I avoid clothes shopping until my wardrobe is decimated. I wait until I’m down to a few pairs of socks and my underwear is looking like the type of thing your parents warned you not to wear in case of being run over before I venture out to rectify the situation. I try to ignore the dwindling collection of shirts and trousers that have been ravaged by over washing, deodorant marks and time until I can do it no more.

    Last week was the turning point and I had to face the ugly truth: I needed to go clothes shopping. It was my bi-annual clothes procurement mission and I gritted my teeth, revved myself up on caffeine and went for it.

    ALSO READ: 17 you only know if you’ve worked as a go go boy in a gay bar

    Maybe Oxford Street on a Sunday wasn’t the best choice for a pathological shopping hater but needs must. I needed new basic items and chain stores are the place to go. I just needed to suck up a whole world of pain.

    I won’t go into all the messy details. I won’t describe the moment (fifteen minutes in) when my partner offered to go home and leave, as he couldn’t take my mood any more. I won’t describe the inner demon that emerged and the childish tantrums, rages and traumas (for everyone else, not me). I’ll just tell you why it was so bloody awful.

    1) Un-priced garments:

    It’s a shop. You sell things. If there’s no price on it then you can keep it. I’m not asking around or waiting for some glassy eyed teenager to go and check. I’ve got a life to live. I also hate that concealed price/size thing. A whole stack of shirts, neatly folded, with every one having a tag tucked discretely away so that you have to wade through each one and extricate the size label only to find after 10 minutes that they only have extra small and XXL. Strangely a lot of shops seem to cater solely for the very burly or the painfully thin.

    2) Changing rooms:

    Bright lights and mirrors at all angles are not something most of us need. I know I’ve got a bald spot. I know that years of smoking have ravaged my skin. I really don’t want this hammering home in an overheated cupboard as I puff and pant and try to ram myself into the sizes I wore 20 years ago.

    3) Vacant automaton shop assistants:

    Working in retail is tough, I’m sure, especially with people like me about. Being British, I kind of expect you to show that to me though. I don’t mind surly, truculent and disinterested. What displeases me is the false, robotic eagerness to please. It’s terrifying and disingenuous. I don’t trust the fakery, especially when it’s clearly being delivered through a world of pain and has been taught by a smiley man called Bob on an away day in Milton Keynes.

    4) Other shoppers:

    Faster, quicker and out of my way. They’re the only words I need to say. Unfortunately, shouting them out loud only gets you into trouble so I keep them in and just get angrier and my ulcer grows deeper by the moment. People also seem to be having a good time, lingering over the whole experience, which of course, makes me even angrier.

    5) It’s illegal to carry a Taser:

    I don’t need to explain that one

     

    The ordeal is over. I have clothes. Project forward in time to six months down the line: that’ll be my next foray into the world of retail. I’d mark it in your diary and avoid the day.