Recently, myself and a friend had a photo taken with a celebrity; he was a reality TV star, porn performer and current member of the dream boys.
He was sunbathing when we met him and was wearing only a pair of shorts. I was wearing an open shirt and a t-shirt underneath. Of course, he was really charming and looked great and I joked with him and my friends that this would be great for my self-esteem. This would prove worryingly accurate.
Let me just explain, I’ve always been confident in my own body, I’m not chubby I’m not big boned. I’m fat. I’ve always been overweight since being a teenager and it had been a journey to become comfortable in my own skin. I’ve not exactly led a lazy lifestyle; I didn’t have a car so I walked everywhere. I previously enjoyed hiking and would often walk 10 miles without breaking a sweat. I’m a bigger guy but I’m healthy. I had tried joining gyms and different exercise classes. I even experimented on every fad diet over the years and my body has altered but I’ve accepted that whatever I try I will always be a little bit fat. This can put me at odds within the gay community as I don’t exactly fit into any category, I’m never going to be wearing skinny jeans and a tight t-shirt but apparently I’m not big enough to be a chub.
Since I stopped fighting this and accepting this I’ve become more confident as a person, like my sexuality; it’s who I am. When I first met my boyfriend and began dating I asked if he was a chubby chaser in a jokey manner. He responded that he thought this was an offensive term and that I wasn’t fat. He said that he loved my body and would hate for me to lose weight. I obviously love him.
A few years ago I had joined a local gym to get in shape for a hike that I was doing for charity. I was offered a free session with a personal trainer to show me how to work out properly. During the session he made several remarks about how my self-confidence would increase as I lost weight. He also said if I was single, that if I was more toned than I would have no problems with the ladies, After one remark too many I told him I wasn’t that interested in what weight I was or how fat I am, I was there to get healthier for the task of raising money for cancer research, I stated to him that I probably had a better body image than most of his clients if his idea of coaching was to call them fat, I also told him I was gay, know your audience.
Coming back to the here and now, I am still confident in myself and the body that I own, realistically I’m not a stripper or model, the only six pack I will ever own will be beer. I don’t train every day nor am I ever likely to. Of course I have had snide remarks from vicious queens over the years because of my size but they don’t live in the skin. The only opinion I truly care about is the person who stares back at me in the mirror, because I have to look him in the eye for the rest of my life.
Confidence is not an absolute it is a state of mind. I had a wobble and momentarily compared myself against someone else and came up short in my own mind. So what did I do? A couple of days later I was supposed to go swimming before work but felt unmotivated to get up.
I talked to myself sternly, it’s ok to feel unhappy with your body from time to time, but there is only you that have the power to make any change mentally and physically. I used the negative energy to drag my arse out of bed and into the pool.
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Back, back back again!
Fatter, more ginger and gayer than ever. Enjoying stints as a burlesque performer and stand up comedian, I bring a well travelled perspective.
I like video games, axifi, budget travel and cheap wine
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you'd like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
