THEGAYUK

Author: Agony Uncle

  • DILEMMA | I’m gay, but I’ve fallen romantically for a woman

    DILEMMA | I’m gay, but I’ve fallen romantically for a woman

    This week a reader reached out to ask our opinion on he should do, following falling in love, not lust with a woman.

    (FILE PHOTO)

    Dear TGUK

    I identify myself as a gay. In past seven months, I have made friends with a girl. She knows that I’m gay, but I think she has feelings for me.

    As for my part, I find her romantic but not sexual. I am confused.

    I haven’t had any conversation with her regarding that.

    Not sure what to do? Any help would be gratefully received.

    Daniel Browne, Chair and founder of Warwickshire Pride

    I would continue with this new friendship you have and see what happens. Is an awkward conversation necessary at this point? If she knows you are gay, she’ll know that nothing is likely to happen.

    From your perspective, if you have romantic feelings towards her but not sexual, that is ok. It is ok to be confused and to take time to work out exactly how you feel.

    Maybe see how things develop with the friendship and where your feelings are after a bit more time spent with her. If nothing romantic or sexual develops, you may simply have a great friendship. Nothing beats that.

    Jake Hook, Editor & Chief of THEGAYUK.com

    This seems like you need to have a conversation with her. You could both definitely have an enjoyable non-sexual relationship which is like a life-long companionship, with each other if you’re both up for that. As long as you can be open about your sexual needs being met by people outside your relationship then why not go for it.

    The only problems with this, however, is that there could be a likelihood where either you or she might fall in love with a sexual partner, but again if you keep the lines of communication open you can both work out boundaries and flesh out the “what if” scenarios.

    No relationship need fit in a box, and you don’t need to justify yourself or judge your relationship by what society might consider “normal”.

    It’s your life. If you’re both happy and open about your needs and wants, who does this hurt?

    Got an issue you’d like us to explore let us know CLICK HERE

  • DILEMMA | Should I tell future boyfriends that I’ve got herpes?

    DILEMMA | Should I tell future boyfriends that I’ve got herpes?

    This week a reader who has symptomless herpes asks whether he should tell new sexual partners that he has been diagnosed with herpes.

    “I was tested positive for herpes. I have not have any symptoms besides two blisters as a first outbreak and one more blister 5 months after that. The doctor said as long as I don’t have an outbreak I won’t pass it on to someone.

    “My confusion and embarrassment comes from: If I don’t have an outbreak (so I can’t pass it on theoretically), is it wrong not to let future sexual partners know? If not informing them would be wrong, why would this be the case?”

    Toby, 21, Swansea

    We asked three of our writing community their thoughts on whether you should share everything with a partner.

    Tom Diver, Author of  The Knee Jerk column

    Did you know you were interacting with someone who had herpes when you contracted it? As a matter of conscience would it be fair for you to pass it on and someone else also have to deal with this dilemma too?

    If the relationships engaged in are more than casual, the dynamic of this situation changes as the sexual component and minimum risk you pose is offset by everything else you have to offer.

    In any relationship honesty is a cornerstone. Therefore I would say you should tell someone who could be at risk, so they could make an informed decision.

    An aspect of it is about the respect you have for someone else and your own self-respect. It’s a conscience/morality question.

    When I was a young man I couldn’t think straight if I had sex on my mind. This may sound flippant but I promise you it’s not. If the problem is sexually driven; have a wank and then ask yourself again!

    Andrew Goyvaerts UEqualsU Advocate

    Disclosure is a common concern for people diagnosed with a communicable infection, he shouldn’t feel alone or too lost in that because a lot of these people are also looking for a way forward with some already having done so and willing to share their experiences.

    Joining a group, even if it is an online forum, that helps people diagnosed with herpes will let him see how people who have been diagnosed long-term handle this and other situations.

    Jake Hook Editor and Chief of THEGAYUK.com

    Never underestimate the power of the condom.

    Even if you don’t have visible signs, you might still be contagious.

    If you’re worried then make sure you’ve always got a fresh supply of condoms and don’t engage in unprotected sex – oral or anal.

    As for a long-term partner, then it’s up to you when to fess up, but you will have to at some point. That might be the first time you have an outbreak, but if that doesn’t come until years into your relationship, it could cause quite a bit of concern to your partner that you didn’t speak up about it earlier in your relationship and might cause serious concerns for them about trusting you.

    However, there’s a strong likelihood that he’ll probably have a form of the herpes virus too. A recent study, by WHO, found that globally over 66 per cent of people under 50 have it. There are two types of herpes simplex virus HSV – type 1 (oral – think cold sores) and type 2 genital herpes, both are contagious.

    Having an open a frank conversation about sexual health between you and your partner is a good thing to do, communication, as they say, is the key.

    The NHS suggests that you continue to use condoms, even after the symptoms have gone.

    Got an issue you’d like us to explore click here to visit the DILEMMAS page

  • DILEMMA | My ex’s brother is hot – should I sleep with him?

    I’ve been flirting with my ex’s brother for a few weeks via Grindr after my ex and I broke up about a month ago. I caught him cheating on me with some guys. We were together for 2 years and were about to move in with each other.

    I’m heartbroken by it, but also infuriated and feel like he needs to be taught a lesson. I’ve been chatting with his brother who is also gay and he seems to be fairly up for a meet and muck about… He knows that we’ve split. 

    So I’m wondering if its okay to have a bit of fun?

    Tom, Mablethorpe

    Simon Hill, Author of Journey to Fatherhood

    In a word ‘No’. Not because its the right or wrong thing to do, but because your not thinking about what’s best for yourself. The saying goes ‘all’s fair in love and war’ and sleeping with your brothers ex would be just as fair as everything that has gone before. Actually you don’t want anymore to do with either of them. You need to accept your pain, release it through crying, getting drunk with friends and maybe a one night stand with a stranger – anyone but your ex and his brother – then to rebuild yourself over time.

    Andy Elliot Griffith, Columnist

     If you want to deal with the consequences of this, then by all means go ahead, but the reasoning behind wanting to do it is at the very least petty, and at the most vindictive. You obviously aren’t interested in your ex’s brother, you just want to use it as revenge and that is not good. Your ex’s brother is also not the best person, for willing to meet up and “muck about” He’s probably being spiteful towards his brother. It’s not worth causing a rift in the family because you were hurt by your ex’s behavior. Avoid like the plague!

    Paul Nicholls-Whiteman, Columnist

    Am I getting tit for tat here?  You’ve split up and now you’re trying to date his brother?

    It sucks when a relationship ends and it seems that you were so close to setting up house  but better you know now rather than later, so you’ve had a lucky escape. I get that this has really hurt you but there is something called Karma.  What goes around comes around and all you need to do for that is let things work themselves out.

    Dating his brother isn’t very cool.  You would still be close to your ex or is that you want?  Would you get back with him?  Time to move forwards completely and seek out new men.  Give yourself time.  Get to know and love you because if you can’t love yourself how in the hell you going to love someone else!

    I wish you well.

    Dan Browne, Runs LGBT Support Charity In Warwickshire

    I’m going to get straight to the point here. It sounds like your intentions for having sex with your ex-partner’s brother are completely inappropriate. Do you want to be that bitter person who takes revenge but probably ends up being more upset afterwards? You also need to consider how it may effect your ex-partner’s relationship with his brother. Your ex may have hurt you, but that doesn’t give you the right to be so destructive in your revenge. My advice to you is to stop chatting to your ex-partner’s brother, take some time out to get over the split, and then get yourself back out there to find someone new who preferably isn’t related to your ex. The alternative is letting bitterness consume you.

    Want to join our writers and become part of the THEGAYUK.com community? Click here

  • Have you got a relationship dilemma that you’d like some advice on?

    Have you got a relationship dilemma that you’d like some advice on?

    A problem shared is a problem halved, so they say…

    We’ve a team of wonderful experts who can help you sort out some issues, whether they be sexual, emotional or just general life. So go on, ask away. There’s no judgement, you don’t have to give us your name and it can be completely anonymous.

    You will be taken seriously and we will listen.

    Maybe… your boyfriend has given you an ultimatum?

    What about that weird discharge you’ve been getting?

    Have you been feeling unlucky in love?

    Is there something you’re afraid of about sex?

     

    Use the form below to get some answers and keep an eye out for our articles.

  • ADVICE | He sexually assaulted me, now what?

    This week, a reader asks whether he’s at risk of sexual infection after a non-consensual oral sex act. He’s concerned that he might have a sexually transmitted infection.

    Dear TGUK

    A man recently put their mouth on my penis for a few seconds before I told them to get off. It was not exactly consensual. I have a boyfriend and I am very worried the guy could have passed on an STI to me.

    Are the chances of doing so very low seeing as it was only a second or two and it was receptive? Thanks

    Thanks

    Steve

     

    Dear Steve,

    Firstly, let me say how sorry I am to hear that this has happened to you. What the guy did was sexual assault and that shouldn’t be brushed aside. If you didn’t want it to happen, it shouldn’t have. All too often we shrug off behaviour like this and it really isn’t acceptable. There are great tips on the gov.uk website to help with dealing with sexual assault.

    However, you might be relieved to hear that catching an STI from this brief encounter is low-risk, especially for HIV. However, there are other infections you might want to look out for such as Chlamydia and Gonorrhoea, which can both be passed on by the giver and receiver of oral sex regardless of how long it went on for. Both of those infections can be symptomless, to begin with, so it’s important to get yourself checked out as soon as possible.

    If you are worried you should make an appointment to go to a clinic, or just pop along to a walk-in clinic. There are some amazing services – and now, there are even sexual health tests that you can buy online.

    According to the specialists at 56 Dean Street, one of the UK’s busiest sexual health clinics, Visiting a sex health clinic is an important part of life. you should try and make regular visits every six months to once a year if you’re sexually active.

    So don’t delay in getting a test booked in. The sooner you do, the quicker you can put your mind at rest.

     

  • DILEMMA | We’ve been dating for 8 months and the sex has dried up

    DILEMMA | We’ve been dating for 8 months and the sex has dried up

    After only 8 months together a reader is concerned that the romance and sexual attraction has died in the bedroom. We ask three of our writers what they think.

    CREDIT: Wavebreak-Media-Ltd-bigstock
    CREDIT: Wavebreak-Media-Ltd-bigstock

    Dear TGUK,
    We’ve been together for around 8 months now although we had an on/off casual thing for a while before getting together. At first the sex was phenomenal and on a regular basis nearly every time we were together even 2 to 3 times a night. However over the last 3/4 months it has rapidly decreased to nearly nothing. 

    Since May we have only had sex like maybe 4-6 times and even the odd occasion when it has happened it feels like he’s just not interested and is just doing it for me. So it has been rubbish. 

    We went on a weekend break away, nice and romantic, had a great time together but he was still just full of excuses whether “I’m too tired” or “I’m bloated” or any one of 146 other things and it’s really getting to me now.

    We are intimate and I do feel that he loves me as we still kiss and cuddle and have romantic nights in and out but they just never involve sex anymore.

    I’ve tried subtly bringing this up in different ways but nothing seems to work and I just don’t want to seem like a dick by bringing it up abruptly.

    Obviously I understand that as a relationship progresses that sexual desire might depreciate a bit but not this dramatically and it went from always to never and has pretty much been that way for months now. Any advice would be appreciated. 

     

    JORDAN LOHAN

    I’ve personally experienced this situation so feel your pain! And it literally is pain. You may be getting kisses and cuddles but repeatedly being brushed off when it comes to sex is nothing but rejection, and that hurts.

    I wouldn’t call you a “dick” for bringing it up abruptly; you would only be mirroring how it felt to you when the sex suddenly died out.

    He’s sending out mixed messages and being incredibly controlling by being the one that decides what kind of intimacy you receive and when. Ask him, what does he want from you? Because right now he’s not offering enough to make you happy, feel good about yourself, and feel secure in your relationship, and you should make sure that he knows that in black and white. (Hopefully the thought of losing you will light a fire under his ass and spark the conversation that you both need to have).

     

    DANIEL BROWNE

    The so-called honeymoon period of a relationship when you first begin seeing someone can be a truly wonderful period. Whether it’s getting to know your partner’s quirks, excitedly introducing this amazing person to your friends, or all of that rampant sex you have, it’s a lovely time in your relationship. It’s a given that over time that honeymoon period fizzles out a bit, but it’s often replaced by that nice sense of familiarity, which I believe is often a positive thing.

    With that familiarity and a deeper, more meaningful relationship often comes the inevitable change of sexual habits, and it’s true to say that sex can sometimes go through a dry patch or period of predictability.

    Whatever the reasons are for your partner’s reduced interest in having sex, it is important to raise the issue and try to discuss it with him. By keeping it bottled up and not having an open conversation about your current situation, you risk becoming resentful and that may turn the issue into something bigger. It’s not often an easy subject to talk to your partner about, but communication is key to resolving things.

    When talking about your worries around your sex life, perhaps you could take the angle of being concerned about your partner and asking him if he is ok. There could be a number of reasons why he isn’t as interested in sex as he used to be. He may have a lot on his mind or be stressed. He could be depressed or not feeling well. Or it could be possible that he simply has a reduced sex drive. Whatever the reason is, it’s important to be supportive and keep that line of communication open.

    The fact that you remain intimate and enjoy kissing and cuddling is a positive, and perhaps that’s a way to begin the conversation; by saying you enjoy the intimacy, but are concerned about the lack of actual sex and wonder if your partner is ok. This will show that you treasure what you have, feel able to talk about your worries, but also that you care about your partner.

    There is bound to be a reasonable, understandable explanation for the lack of sexual interest. I hope that by opening up the lines of communication and speaking to each other about the issue, you’re able to overcome it and enjoy a happy sex life once more.

     

    PAUL SZABO

    1. Whilst sex is an important part of any relationship, it is not the most important thing.

    2. There is a compromise to be had – as both of you need to be happy.

    3. Try initiating sex in different ways, or try other things instead of sex – try giving / having a nice massage or have a shower together.

    4. Set up a regular date night, where you go out on a romantic date.

    5. Try asking him about what he would like to do in the bedroom – he may be gagging to roll around smothered in peanut butter, but is too embarrassed to ask / talk to you about. Have a chat about your fantasies and start to introduce them.

    6. If all else fails, you need to have a frank chat with him and say that whilst you appreciate it is not everything, sex is important to you and you would like to share such an intimate and personal thing with him. If you don’t want to blurt it out randomly in the advert break of Coronation Street, then agree a time with him to have a discussion. Don’t frame it as “this is your problem and your fault” – more as “you are really important to me and we need to be honest with each other, because I want this relationship to work”. Don’t make him feel small about it, or have a go at him. Approach it as a joint issue.

    7. If you can’t get over this impasse, then you have to think about whether you should continue to be together – it depends on what compromise you can reach and how important sex is to you.

    8. Whatever you do, don’t go looking elsewhere for sex behind his back. If you do, you risk losing him all together.

    9. If both of you want to be together, but he does not want to increase the amount of sex to a level you want, then give some thought to you both having an open relationship. However, whilst this may suit some people, it does not suit everyone. Set ground rules and agree on things such as whether you will tell each other when, where and with whom, or whether you both agree not to discuss it at all. Open relationships can lead to feelings of anxiety, jealousy, arguments and mistrust – even if you both think that you are happy with it at the outset. If you do decide to go down this route, then always practice safe sex.
    Advice and views expressed in this article mustn’t be taken as professional advice. These are the thoughts and experiences of real-life writers and their advice may not work for every person. If you’d like to talk to someone about issues you are facing we wholeheartedly recommend calling Switchboard.

     

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like our writers and experts to answer? Fill in the form below. We won’t share your details with anyone outside THEGAYUK.

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    Thank you for your response. ✨

     

  • DILEMMAS | I’m Dating A Bisexual Guy Who Doesn’t Want Sex

    DILEMMAS | I’m Dating A Bisexual Guy Who Doesn’t Want Sex

    This week a reader asks what he should do about a new relationship he’s in with a bi guy, who doesn’t seem to want to have sex.

     

    CREDIT: Wavebreak Media Ltd bigstock
    CREDIT: Wavebreak Media Ltd bigstock

    Dear TGUK,

    I’ve started seeing a guy who says he’s bisexual. He’s not out to his family or anyone else. We met via an app. We’ve been dating, I guess around 2 months.

    He came out of a relationship with a girl around 6 months ago and says he wants to now be with a guy.
    Although we’ve spent time together and had a few dates, he doesn’t want to stay the night with me or it seems have sex although he tells me he’s not seeing anyone else – man or woman. I’ve not pressured him, and I tell him when he’s ready I’m here.

    I’m not sure what to do? Any advice?

    Thanks, Tony

     

    Simon Hill, Author of Journey To Fatherhood

    “Work Out A Compromise”

    You’re not very clear about what you want. Half the struggle in relationships is about being able to clearly express what you want in an open, thoughtful and non-judgmental manner. One of my friends had a boyfriend for 10 years. After four years he felt it was time for them to live together, but he didn’t push it. Six years later (and after ten years in total), he finally ‘laid it on the line’ and the relationship ended. You have to tell your date in a timely fashion what’s important to you and then work out what compromise (if any, depending on level of importance) you can be happy with.

     

    Alex DaSilva, Birmingham Correspondent

    “Don’t let it be something that you lose control over…”

    It’s very commendable that you’re allowing him space and the chance to ‘self-discover’ while you’re there to support him. You say it’s been two months of dating, and therefore it is very natural that you want to progress with him further, which of course means intimacy. At this stage, you may want to talk about your feelings a little more and hint you are ready for the next stage. Or have an open discussion about what he would like to do if you were to have sex.

    It is exciting, and of course for some, a turn on when you meet a guy who has recently come out or has been with girls in the past, it seems to be an attractive feature that some gay men seek or are excited by. Just don’t let it be something that you lose control over, and only accommodates his needs; he needs to accommodate yours, and two months is a great time to do so.

    Shuggie Hughes, Coventry

    “The key to good sex is communication”

    It sounds to me that this guy may not be very experienced in having sex with another guy. On this basis you may have to give him time to explore this aspect of his sexuality. If you think there is mileage in the relationship bear with him but ask! The key to good sex is communication and it may be he is unsure what to do, how to do it. This could be an opportunity for you both to discover some amazing sex. If you don’t talk about though it will never happen.

     

     

    Andy Elliot Griffith, Shrewsbury,

    “Move on before feelings become too strong.”

    It’s nice that you’re not pressuring him into anything, because this may well be his first same-sex experience and he could be either nervous or unsure how to proceed. However if he isn’t willing to put in the effort in the relationship, he could very  be on the rebound from his previous relationship, having started dating you only 4 months after. Give it another month, if nothing changes, move on before feelings become too strong.

     

    Paul Nicholls-Whiteman, Brighton

    “When in doubt, don’t”

    ‘When in doubt, don’t’. I have lived by that ever since and it has indeed seen me right in so many things.

    It seems to me that this guy doesn’t really know what he wants so are you becoming his counsellor? It seems he has an awful lot of issues to deal with and I am not sure if this is really what you want.

    You seem to be happy within yourself, you seem to know what you want. Re-read your question if you can answer this to yourself honestly you have your answer. I wish you well.

     

    Daniel Browne, Founder Of Warwickshire Pride

    “See how he feels about having sex with another man”

    It sounds to me like the person you’re dating is still coming to terms with his sexuality. If he has been in the closet previous to dating you, he may now only be beginning to feel comfortable with who he is. It can be a lengthy (and frustrating) process, but there are things you can do to help. It’s great that you’ve not pressured him and let him know that you are there when he is ready to take the next step. It might be worth sitting down with him to talk about how he feels about having sex with another man. He may not have done it before, so could be feeling apprehensive or even scared. You may be able to help alleviate that though. It sounds like you’ve been supportive so far. You should continue that track.

     

    ALSO READ: Dilemmas | Should I Sleep With My Ex’s Brother?

    ASLO READ: Dilemmas My Straight Mate Keeps Coming On To Me

     

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to answer? Click here to visit our dilemmas page.

     

  • DILEMMA | Should I Sleep With My Ex’s Brother?

    DILEMMA | Should I Sleep With My Ex’s Brother?

    Dear Uncle

    I’ve been flirting with my ex’s brother for a few weeks via Grindr after my ex and I broke up about a month ago. I caught him cheating on me with some guys. We were together for 2 years and were about to move in with each other.

    I’m heartbroken by it, but also infuriated and feel like he needs to be taught a lesson. I’ve been chatting with his brother who is also gay and he seems to be fairly up for a meet and muck about… He knows that we’ve split. 

    So I’m wondering if its okay to have a bit of fun?

    Tom, Mablethorpe

    Simon Hill, Author of Journey to Fatherhood

    In a word ‘No’. Not because its the right or wrong thing to do, but because your not thinking about what’s best for yourself. The saying goes ‘all’s fair in love and war’ and sleeping with your brothers ex would be just as fair as everything that has gone before. Actually you don’t want anymore to do with either of them. You need to accept your pain, release it through crying, getting drunk with friends and maybe a one night stand with a stranger – anyone but your ex and his brother – then to rebuild yourself over time.

    Andy Elliot Griffith, Columnist

    If you want to deal with the consequences of this, then, by all means, go ahead, but the reasoning behind wanting to do it is at the very least petty, and at the most vindictive. You obviously aren’t interested in your ex’s brother, you just want to use it as revenge and that is not good. Your ex’s brother is also not the best person, for willing to meet up and “muck about” He’s probably being spiteful towards his brother. It’s not worth causing a rift in the family because you were hurt by your ex’s behaviour. Avoid like the plague!

    Paul Nicholls-Whiteman, Columnist

    Am I getting tit for tat here?  You’ve split up and now you’re trying to date his brother?

    It sucks when a relationship ends and it seems that you were so close to setting up house but better you know now rather than later, so you’ve had a lucky escape. I get that this has really hurt you but there is something called Karma.  What goes around comes around and all you need to do for that is let things work themselves out.

    Dating his brother isn’t very cool.  You would still be close to your ex or is that you want?  Would you get back with him?  Time to move forwards completely and seek out new men.  Give yourself time.  Get to know and love you because if you can’t love yourself how in the hell you going to love someone else!

    I wish you well.

    Dan Browne, Runs LGBT Support Charity In Warwickshire

    I’m going to get straight to the point here. It sounds like your intentions for having sex with your ex-partner’s brother are completely inappropriate. Do you want to be that bitter person who takes revenge but probably ends up being more upset afterwards? You also need to consider how it may affect your ex-partner’s relationship with his brother. Your ex may have hurt you, but that doesn’t give you the right to be so destructive in your revenge. My advice to you is to stop chatting to your ex-partner’s brother, take some time out to get over the split, and then get yourself back out there to find someone new who preferably isn’t related to your ex. The alternative is letting bitterness consume you.

  • DILEMMA | My Straight Mate Keeps Coming On To Me

    This week a reader asks what he should do about a straight mate who keeps coming on to him. We asked our community of writers what they thought.

    CREDIT: © gstockstudio
    CREDIT: © gstockstudio

    Dear TGUK

    My straight work mate keeps coming on to me… We’ve been hanging around lots and lots and he’s actually pretty cool with me being gay and is often flirty. He was one of the first people I came out to at work. We’ve worked together for over 5 years.

    At first it was all in good jest and his flirting just made me laugh, but now it’s starting to actually turn me on and is making me question whether he’s gay or bi? 

     We’ve been spending more and more time together and we’re planning a lads’ weekend away, which we’ve done before – nothing happened, but I’m wondering whether I should make a move – or ask him whether he actually likes me. He has a girlfriend and she’s a good friend too.

     I’m worried if I make a come on and goes wrong it’ll ruin our friendship…

    What do you think?

    S, Johnson, Wiltshire

     

    Jordan Lohan, Hove

    This could go hideously wrong. As attractive and hot an idea it is to get with the straight / not so straight boy, you have your friendship and his girlfriend’s heart hovering above the shitter. Enjoy the fact that he is comfortable enough with you, and his own sexuality to be flirty. Making a move or potentially having sex will complicate EVERYTHING, think of the atmosphere at work- you don’t need that- so don’t mess this up, buttercup. If your feelings are starting to go a little deeper than just fantasising, then you’re going have to suss out if you can actually manage a friendship with him without anyone getting hurt. I would suggest you perhaps opt out of this particular weekend away while you figure stuff out.

     

    Stuart Bird, Surrey

    Dear Confused

    You have answered your own question over his sexuality. You’ve been away before and nothing happened. It could be that he is just very comfortable with himself to be as comfortable with who you are. These men do exist. By coming onto him you push the boundaries of your friendship to another level. If he isn’t gay or bi then you risk a lot more than losing a friend. Work will be disrupted; your friendship will also be lost with the girlfriend.

    Tell him you fancy him. Compliments are easier to wiggle out of than coming on. I was going to say go for the easy option and not go on the lads’ weekend and start pulling yourself away. Be prepared for a possible change in your relationship if you do confess. He may become guarded around you and the flirtations stop but it will put your mind at ease as to where you stand. However if he values you for who you are he will take it as a compliment, flirt more and make your life a comfortable hell of fun.

    What makes this even harder though is that he won’t be the only straight man in the world you’ll fall in love with. One day you will cheat on your pretend boyfriend.

     

    ALSO READ: Dilemmas | I’m Afraid I’ll Be Left Alone

     

    Paul Nicholls-Whiteman, Brighton

    I have by a simple few words in life. These have stood me in great stead and I found it useful.

    If you don’t ask you don’t get.

    Apply this to your ‘could he be bi and coming onto me’.

    You also say he has a girlfriend and that they are your friends so if you just assume his sexuality you could lose big time.

    By being upfront and honest with him you’ll still keep your friendship in tact.

     

    The advice above has been given by our community of writers who have drawn from experiences in their own lives and is should not be considered as professional advice.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like our writers and experts to answer? We won’t share your details with anyone outside THEGAYUK.

     Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to answer? Click here to visit our dilemmas page.

  • DILEMMAS | I Had Gay Sex With My Sister’s Husband

    DILEMMAS | I Had Gay Sex With My Sister’s Husband

    In a recent issue of The Sun, stalwart Agony Aunt Deidre gave some advice to a man who had recently been caught with his trousers down with his sister’s husband.

    CREDIT: kirza-bigstock

    The man was caught by his sister having sex with her husband, the reader expressed feeling trapped and having nobody to turn to and that his sister was distressed and that she wouldn’t talk to him again.

    Diedre replied that his sister had been betrayed by two people she loved and trusted and that his actions were inexcusable, but he must make sure that the husband must take half the responsibility…

    We thought we’d ask some of our writers how they’d have tackled the problem.

    ALEX Da Silva (Birmingham Correspondant)

    Impulse is a dark force that many succumb to, and sometimes it is uncontrollable. Human beings live day by day experiencing all sorts of instinctive outbursts, ‘do I get a dessert after that big main?’; ‘shall I hit the snooze button again, and make an excuse about the train being late, to get more sleep?’ and sometimes impulses drive our minds further where temptation is undeniable.

    Looking at your case, this ‘itch’ appears to have been initiated by your sister’s husband, a step which would have taken a lot of courage to make. I have gone through something similar myself, and although the person who will hurt the most will be your sister, due to the fact that both men of her life have betrayed at once and together, there is an emptiness one feels to have been that person to cause such hurt and mistrust. I am sure that you are nice person, always paid your bills, and maybe have bought a Big Issue here and there, but society is very quick to coin people whose actions are of a negative nature.

    However, your sister is your blood, and is a person that you could not live without. To get her back, you must give her that space, for every time you text, ring, visit her you are just taking her back to that dreadful moment, event of which wounded you all. Send a letter here and there about a memory you have shared together, send a card for her birthday and Christmas, but keep at that for now. It’s a gash so deep that unless you are a mutant with regenerative qualities, will take some time to heal.

    In regards to your family, they are hurt too. It is going to take not as long, but the same care, of not trying to apologise or try to talk about that night, it should be periodical attempts at maybe conversing with your mother first, as she loves unconditionally and let her have her peace and work from there. She could really help you mend the bond between you and your sister.

    Family ties are bound forever, and though there may be slashes and tears, you will work together to restore your home again. Just keep faith.

    ALSO READ: DILEMMAS | Help! My Straight Work Mate Keeps Coming On To Me

    JORDAN Lohan (Food and Drink editor, Brighton)

    I can imagine your sister’s world crumbling at the seams walking in and finding out that her brother is “the other woman”. Throughout your description of this hideous event, you don’t actually explicitly admit to being sorry or express any feelings of remorse or regret. You even have the audacity to reminisce about his touch being “electrifying”.

    If you were truly sorry and understood the real implications of what you and the husband had done, it should make you feel sick and uncomfortable. “I feel trapped” is your final sentence and that sentence comes from a selfish place of wanting to help YOURSELF. Your sister is the victim here, not you.

    I don’t think your relationship can ever be 100% salvaged with your sister, you fucked her husband and you fuced the trust between the two of you which should have been sacred and pure.

    If I were your sister, I would want you to pipe down, go away, and get some counselling to delve into the reason why you warranted the sabotage of your and her relationship, and come back when you were truly sorry.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to answer? Click here to visit our dilemmas page.

  • DILEMMAS | We Have Gay Bed Death After Just 8 Months… Help

    DILEMMAS | We Have Gay Bed Death After Just 8 Months… Help

    This month, in a change to our usual relationship and sex advice, we received an interesting question from a reader on our forum. The reader is concerned that the sex in his loving and committed relationship has all but dried up after 8 months together. We asked three of our writers their advice and thoughts on the problem.

    (C) BIGSTOCK

    Dear Dilemmas

    We’ve been together for around 8 months now although we had an on/off casual thing for a while before getting together. At first the sex was phenomenal and on a regular basis nearly every time we were together even 2 to 3 times a night. However over the last 3/4 months it has rapidly decreased to nearly nothing.

    Since May we have only had sex like maybe 4-6 times and even the odd occasion when it has happened it feels like he’s just not interested and is just doing it for me. So it has been rubbish.

    We went on a weekend break away, nice and romantic, had a great time together but he was still just full of excuses whether “I’m too tired” or “I’m bloated” or any one of 146 other things and it’s really getting to me now.

    We are intimate and I do feel that he loves me as we still kiss and cuddle and have romantic nights in and out but they just never involve sex anymore.

    I’ve tried subtly bringing this up in different ways but nothing seems to work and I just don’t want to seem like a dick by bringing it up abruptly.

    Obviously I understand that as a relationship progresses that sexual desire might depreciate a bit but not this dramatically and it went from always to never and has pretty much been that way for months now. Any advice would be appreciated.

    Ask him what does he want from you?

    JORDAN (Brighton)

    I’ve personally experienced this situation so feel your pain! And it literally is pain. You may be getting kisses and cuddles but repeatedly being brushed off when it comes to sex is nothing but rejection, and that hurts.

    I wouldn’t call you a “dick” for bringing it up abruptly; you would only be mirroring how it felt to you when the sex suddenly died out.

    He’s sending out mixed messages and being incredibly controlling by being the one that decides what kind of intimacy you receive and when. Ask him, what does he want from you? Because right now he’s not offering enough to make you happy, feel good about yourself, and feel secure in your relationship, and you should make sure that he knows that in black and white. (Hopefully the thought of losing you will light a fire under his ass and spark the conversation that you both need to have)

    There Maybe A Reasonable Medical Explanation…

    DANIEL (Warwickshire)

    The so-called honeymoon period of a relationship when you first begin seeing someone can be a truly wonderful period. Whether it’s getting to know your partner’s quirks, excitedly introducing this amazing person to your friends, or all of that rampant sex you have, it’s a lovely time in your relationship. It’s a given that over time that honeymoon period fizzles out a bit, but it’s often replaced by that nice sense of familiarity, which I believe is often a positive thing.

    With that familiarity and a deeper, more meaningful relationship often comes the inevitable change of sexual habits, and it’s true to say that sex can sometimes go through a dry patch or period of predictability.

    Whatever the reasons are for your partner’s reduced interest in having sex, it is important to raise the issue and try to discuss it with him. By keeping it bottled up and not having an open conversation about your current situation, you risk becoming resentful and that may turn the issue into something bigger. It’s not often an easy subject to talk to your partner about, but communication is key to resolving things.

    When talking about your worries around your sex life, perhaps you could take the angle of being concerned about your partner and asking him if he is ok. There could be a number of reasons why he isn’t as interested in sex as he used to be. He may have a lot on his mind or be stressed. He could be depressed or not feeling well. Or it could be possible that he simply has a reduced sex drive. Whatever the reason is, it’s important to be supportive and keep that line of communication open.

    The fact that you remain intimate and enjoy kissing and cuddling is a positive, and perhaps that’s a way to begin the conversation; by saying you enjoy the intimacy, but are concerned about the lack of actual sex and wonder if your partner is ok. This will show that you treasure what you have, feel able to talk about your worries, but also that you care about your partner.

    There is bound to be a reasonable, understandable explanation for the lack of sexual interest. I hope that by opening up the lines of communication and speaking to each other about the issue, you’re able to overcome it and enjoy a happy sex life once more.

     

    9 Ways To Sort This Out

    PAUL (Doncaster)

    1. Whilst sex is an important part of any relationship, it is not the most important thing.

    2. There is a compromise to be had – as both of you need to be happy.

    3. Try initiating sex in different ways, or try other things instead of sex – try giving / having a nice massage or have a shower together.

    4. Set up a regular date night, where you go out on a romantic date.

    5. Try asking him about what he would like to do in the bedroom – he may be gagging to roll around smothered in peanut butter, but is too embarrassed to ask / talk to you about. Have a chat about your fantasies and start to introduce them.

    6. If all else fails, you need to have a frank chat with him and say that whilst you appreciate it is not everything, sex is important to you and you would like to share such an intimate and personal thing with him. If you don’t want to blurt it out randomly in the advert break of Coronation Street, then agree a time with him to have a discussion. Don’t frame it as “this is your problem and your fault” – more as “you are really important to me and we need to be honest with each other, because I want this relationship to work”. Don’t make him feel small about it, or have a go at him. Approach it as a joint issue.

    7. If you can’t get over this impasse, then you have to think about whether you should continue to be together – it depends on what compromise you can reach and how important sex is to you.

    8. Whatever you do, don’t go looking elsewhere for sex behind his back. If you do, you risk losing him all together.

    9. If both of you want to be together, but he does not want to increase the amount of sex to a level you want, then give some thought to you both having an open relationship. However, whilst this may suit some people, it does not suit everyone. Set ground rules and agree on things such as whether you will tell each other when, where and with whom, or whether you both agree not to discuss it at all. Open relationships can lead to feelings of anxiety, jealousy, arguments and mistrust – even if you both think that you are happy with it at the outset. If you do decide to go down this route, then always practice safe sex.

    The advice above has been given by our community of writers who have drawn from experiences in their own lives and is should not be considered as professional advice.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like our writers and experts to answer? Click here to send us your dilemma