I love going to my local gay sauna and I go every few weeks or so, the only problem is that I’ve developed a verruca. Should I stop going until it’s cleared up?
Jon
Manchester
Dear Jon
Verrucas are very common indeed and caused by the HPV virus. Many people, will, at some stage develop verruca, but you shouldn’t allow it to stop you doing the things you like to do.
Unfortunately, verrucas can be very stubborn little buggers to get rid of and can take months or even years to disappear, which is a long time to be away from doing something that you love.
My suggestion is that you invest in a good remedy like Bazzuca or even see your GP if it’s worrying you too much and wear flipflops to the sauna.
Ideally, everyone should be wearing flipflops to the sauna anyway. Just so you know, the most common way for warts and veruccas to spread is by skin to skin contact – so it may be wise to keep your feet away from other people’s skin.
So in consideration of your fellow sauna goers, don’t stop going… and wear some kind of footwear.
It might also be a good idea to wear waterproof plasters over the verruca – they are cheap to buy and now come in a variety of skin tones, so it shouldn’t draw too much attention to the area.
Condoms are a great way to enjoy safer sex – but are flavoured condoms any less safe?
Flavoured condoms have been around for decades, in fact ever since johnnies started to be made from latex, manufacturers started to get inventive. Most major condom manufacturers now create flavoured ones and some are getting creative with flavours – last year we were introduced to the gin and tonic flavoured condom. But you’re more likely to come across more simplistic fruit-based flavours. Skins condoms, for instance, have a multipack that has mint, bubblegum, banana and strawberry.
Condoms still remain one of the safest ways to protect yourself from sexually transmitted infections – which you can still get from oral sex – which is why flavoured condoms are a thing. Have you ever tried tasting a non-flavoured one? Take it from me, it’s disgusting and tastes very chemical.
BJs are low-risk, but not risk-free
Sexual health specialists, Jake Jenkins from the 56 Dean Street sexual health clinic told us, “Oral sex is considered a low-risk activity for catching HIV, especially if you’re on the receiving end of the BJ.
“However it’s not just HIV that you have to consider here. Other nasties like Chlamydia and Gonorrhoea can be passed on by both receiver and giver, and might not even show symptoms, however, all these infections can be treated effectively if caught soon enough”.
There are two main types of herpes, HSV1 and HSV2. HSV stands for Herpes Simplex Virus. HSV1 tends to affect the mouth. HSV2 tends to affect the anus or vagina, both, however, are transmitted by direct touch contact.
So yes, you can get herpes (on your genitals) from someone who has a cold sore.
Putting a protective barrier over the penis will provide protection.
Even so, you want to make sure that the condoms you use are in date and carry the British and European safety standard marks. The CE and Kite marks demonstrate that the condoms are safe to use, it is authorised by the British Standards Institution it also means it meets the requirements of the Medical Device Directive.
Make sure they are also in date and that the packaging looks intact and untampered with. Each pack should have a best before date.
This week a reader asks whether it’s safe to have intercourse when he’s suffering from piles.
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Dear Dilemmas,
I have piles so is it safe to have sexual intercourse while i am suffering from this problem?
Yours, Jon
We asked Public Health Practitioner Jose Perez de la Cruz, BPubHtlth his thoughts on whether its safe to have sex whilst you have haemorrhoids
Anal sex has the potential to inflame pre-existing haemorrhoids (piles), though research shows that it does not cause them in the first place. So long as the piles are not actively bleeding or painful at the time on intercourse then it is probably safe to have sex. If they are bleeding or there is inflammation though, this means that the natural protective barrier formed by the skin and mucous membranes is not at its optimum which if exposed to an STI can make transmission more likely.
I would recommend using Preparation H or Germoloids (all available on Amazon) to help control pain and inflammation and to reduce swelling.
During sex, it is also important that you use a good water based lubricant, particularly during acts of multiple people or high-frequency sexual activity as this will reduce the chance of any inflammation being caused. They are very unlikely to burst during normal sexual activity, even in the case of sex parties, threesomes or orgies. If creams etc. though do not fix the underlying problem and I would recommend as a permanent solution surgical intervention.
This can now be done almost painlessly by syringing the haemorrhoids and a referral can be obtained by going to see your GP. There are also a number of private clinics undertaking the therapy which do not require GP referral.
When a new boyfriend buys an extravagant gift, which makes you feel uncomfortable what should you do?
Free-Photos / Pixabay
Dear Dilemmas,
I got together with my boyfriend a few weeks before Christmas, so we haven’t been together long. However, he bought me a laptop as a present, because my old one died – and I really need one for uni. However, I didn’t really think we were doing gifts, so I only bought him a bottle of wine. I’m not sure if he can afford the computer, but I feel like it’s wrong to accept something so big of him.
What should I do?
Toby
Go halves
Dear Toby
It sounds like your boyfriend’s heart is in the right place, but buying you a laptop is probably way too much at this stage in your relationship and maybe this is a really grand gesture on his behalf to show how much he cares. But you say you have a feeling that it’s wrong. Ask yourself why does it feel wrong?
If he knew that you were both “not really doing gifts” and he still bought you an extravagant gift I would worry that this guy doesn’t know boundaries or is trying to buy your affection. It might make me question whether he’s trying to own you – knowing that you can’t afford this item, which is tied to your success at uni. It could put him in a position of power over you.
There’s a couple of options. Firstly, you need to communicate about how you feel – communication is key to any successful relationship and especially in a new one. You can politely refuse the gift and say it’s just too much at this stage in your relationship or you can make an arrangement to pay him a manageable monthly instalment for half of the computer – that way you get to keep it, but you’ll also half own it.
If you’ve got an issue or dilemma you’d like us to answer, click here
Did you know what you might consider ‘too quick’, might actually be completely normal? A study which looked at the average jizz time of 500 couples found that the average time of climax for the man was five minutes. So once all pistons are firing, don’t expect to last much longer than a few minutes – and that might be just okay.
It’s not always clear why premature ejaculation occurs, but it’s thought that there are a number of factors that could lie at the root of the problem. For example, it could be linked to a physical health issue, such as prostate or thyroid problems, or it could be linked to depression, stress and anxiety.
But if you’re aching to last a little longer there are some things you can do to make you go the distance.
First rule out anything medical.
As with anything to do with the body, if you’re worried, book an appointment with your doctor. There could be a number of medical reasons why you’re cumming too fast. According to the NHS website, the causes of premature ejaculation could be the symptom of a medical condition, from the prostate to thyroid issues.
Recondition yourself
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Let’s face it, most of us practice a lot of self-loving. And that’s completely natural and okay. The only problem is that most of the time when we’re masturbating we’re not worried about the length of time we’re actually going at it. Therefore if you condition yourself to cum quickly that can transfer to sexual encounters with other people. So, next time you could try extending the time you spend alone with your dick, maybe even try edging, a technique in which you wank right up until the moment before you climax, stopping then starting again. So you don’t actually cum immediately.
Decrease Sensitivity
Sometimes the feeling of being in his ass is just too good that it leads to you spaffing all too quickly. So desensitise the head of your penis. You can do this in a number of ways. You could wear a thicker condom. Or you could try a gel. You can check out delay sprays and gels from Amazon.
Deep breaths
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Also, try taking deep breaths when you’re on the verge of ejaculating as that briefly shuts down the ejaculatory reflex (an automatic reflex of the body during which ejaculation occurs).
Pharmacy2U’s Clinical Governance Pharmacist Phil Day told us, “Use positions where you or your partner can pull out easily and quickly if the act of penetration is too stimulating”.
Changing positions also gives you a moment to get your breath and take a moment to calm yourself down.
Phil shared that “many sex therapists recommend adopting a ‘stop-start’ technique entailing taking breaks during sex and thinking about something bland and boring. The NHS also echoes that idea on its website, writing, “take breaks during sex and think about something boring”.
One of the ways to make sure you last a little longer than usual is masturbating an hour or two before you think you’re going to have sex. This will take the urgency out of the sex and should make you last longer. It might also make you less horny than if you had waited, but this is trial and error and it’s worth seeing if it works for you. Make sure you wash your dick thoroughly after you cum – if you don’t you might end up with a smelly end (smegma can form very quickly) and nobody wants that. Well, some guys do.
Medication in the form of tablets is also available to treat premature ejaculation in men who experience this regularly and where it causes distress and is usually taken one to three hours before having sex. You will need a prescription, which can be obtained from your own doctor or through a private consultation with an online GP.
As always communication is key to a happy sex life. If you’re concerned about your premature emissions, talk to your partner about it. See how they feel. You never know he might be completely happy with how’s all working out. If not then you can have a chat about how you change your sex to make things last a bit longer.
Not every sexual encounter needs to end up in P in A or even a blowjob, behold the simple handjob.
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It’s super quick and easy, and what’s more, you really don’t need any preparation to give each other a handy shandy. What’s more, it’s one of the safest forms of sexual activity.
Technique. What feels good to you, might not feel good to the other person. So listen for signs that it’s all going well. If in doubt ask. You don’t have to be silent during sex.
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Position. You know what, jerking someone else off can be a tiring experience, especially if they take a while to climax. So if you’re lying side by side, make sure the person receiving is on your dominant side, so right-hand side if you’re right-handed, or left-hand side if you’re left-handed. But why not forgo the side by side action and slip in behind them and reach around to their front. This position can be done standing, sitting or kneeling behind the person. To add a little more intensity add a bit of reach around kissing. Hot AF.
Face to Face. To add extra intensity, stand, knee or sit face to face and look into each other’s eyes as you beat the jerky. Having a front view can give you all the telltale signs that someone’s close to orgasm and you get to look at goodies. Win-win really.
Out and about? Half the fun is that the handjob can take place almost anywhere. Now we’re not advocating anything illegal, but maybe a surprise handjob the next time you’re out for a ramble on the moors – might just be the ticket.
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Double-handed. This goes hand in hand with technique really. Placing both hands over someone’s genitals can add double the pleasure and give a different feeling to the fist on helmet action. Plus if the person you’re with has bollocks, then cradle those bad boys, and give ’em a stroke.
Change the routine You know, not every handjob has to be a fist around a cock. Have you tried simple head rubbing? Take your thumb and rub in circular motions on the back of the head of the penis (not on the helmet). It’s a great way of slowing things down and changing the tempo. He’ll be squirming with joy.
Different equipment requires different technique. If your subject hasn’t got a foreskin, or the foreskin happens to go right back when he’s erect, you’ll need to adjust your technique. Spit can make for a makeshift lube if you’re out and about, but it’s probably good to make sure there’s lube nearby.
While we’re on the subject of lube, why not true some warming lube or tingling lube for extra sensations. It’s not for everyone, but worth a punt.
Here’s the rub, you’re probably never going to be as good at giving a handjob as the person receiving does it to themselves, after all, they’ve probably been practising on themselves forever. So give yourself a break – and just enjoy the intimacy the interaction can create.
Have you got tips? Use the comments below to let us know what your favourite technique is.
What happens when your boyfriend won’t stop hooking up with the lad from your last threeway and doesn’t invite you?
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My boyfriend keeps seeing a guy that we had a threesome with. This is even after I told him that I’m not cool or comfortable with it. I’ve told him straight to his face. I don’t have the courage to tell the other guy to knock it off.
I really don’t know what to do. I love my boy and I’m sure he loves me but it hurts me that he’s insisting on seeing this other guy, outside of a threeway.
What should I do?
We asked two of our contributors to give their advice.
Lee Henriques, writer
First I’ve gotta ask – is this an open relationship? Do you normally allow a regular hookup/no strings attached situation between the two of you or is this guy someone your partner’s made an exception for?
If it’s the latter, and it bothers you this much, it sounds cliché and obvious but you have to communicate your feelings. If you don’t, it’s going to build and become an even worse situation – but it’s a little confusing as to why he’s insisting on hooking up with this person in the first place; maybe ask him if he’d like to open the relationship (if it’s not already) or if you’d be interested, perhaps broach the topic of sharing your sexual experiences with a third person.
It could benefit the both of you but make your boundaries clear. What’s bothering you the most? Is it the fact he’s hooking up with someone else or the fact that that person is someone you’ve both hooked up with in the first place?
Communication and honesty are the key pillars of any relationship (thanks Cosmo) and if you’re uncomfortable you have to let him know. He probably wouldn’t want you being uncomfortable and keeping it bottled inside and if you love each other then you can make it work. It sounds like it’s just sex so maybe the other guy won’t even mind and will look elsewhere but if it continues and they both ignore your wishes, it’s hard to do but maybe re-evaluate the kind of relationship you want vs. the relationship you’re in.
Hope this has helped – I’d love an update!
Tom Driver, The Knee Jerk Columnist
I don’t really see things like other people so if my interpretation of the situation is “off point” please forgive me.
I read that you are threatened by this situation and suspect you may know why! As you have both hooked up with this guy in the past I guess you know what happens when he gets together with another man and will have an insight into what it is your bf sees in him.
So I guess the resolution is can you do that for your bf and cut this third person out? Or are there similarities between him and you that identify the type of person your bf goes for and this is ringing alarm bells in your head?
My other thought on it is the boundaries of your relationship and whether you are lacking the confidence to negotiate/set/impose them? It can be relationship changing to appear either dominant and insistent or insecure and frankly, this could appear to be both and more.
Got to be honest fella, if the other guy has a heart and you know him I would be speaking to him and asking him to put himself in your shoes and show some respect for you and your relationship.
In the final analysis: men like men and men like cock. All of that is tangible and real, relationships between men are based on the intangibles of love and trust, if that isn’t there then perhaps your bf is subtlety letting you know it’s time for you to look elsewhere too.
Jake Hook, Editor
Ultimately you should find out why your boyfriend wants to continue this other relationship without you. A future of any sort of relationship with him really does come down to this – and whether you’re prepared to accept the answer.
What exactly is making you uncomfortable about his third-party hookups, because when you dig down to the root of your feelings, you’ll have your answer on what to do next.
If he is set on continuing this relationship, you really only have three options. Dump, Live with it or Thruple it. Have you thought about opening the relationship as a thruple? If you’re all up for it it could be a beautiful addition to your life. Some people can make this work, but you will need a certain level of maturity, trust and open-mindedness.
Have you got advice? Give it in the comments below.
A reader falls in love with a guy who is giving off mixed signals. We ask some of our writers to give their best advice.
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Dear TGUK
“I’m so confused. I’ve met this guy online and we’ve met a couple of times. He even invited me to his place to sleep over – in his bed – but he rolled over as soon as we got in and fell fast asleep.
I’m really into him, but I’m not sure he’s into me. He pays compliments and tells me I’m hot but when it feels like something more intimate might happen, I feel like I’m getting shunned.
He’s incredible looking and funny and I’d really like a relationship with him – or at the very least have some sex – but not sure what to do next.” IDS: Male, 25, Yorkshire
Stuart Bird (Motoring Editor)
Oww sausage. I feel for you. Been there many times but I’ve also been on the other side of it too.
Attraction is a complex subject. Like the insides of a toaster. They look simple enough but there is a fine line in getting that bread not burned. That simple wiring and dial on the outside do a lot more than we give it credit for. It takes time and experimentation.
It’s not always the visual they/you see. Sometimes they just aren’t into you. There are times when a relationship is better as a plutonic relationship. Getting into the nitty gritty can sour the good fun.
Enjoy the fun and flirtations. You never know, it might happen. But if it doesn’t, never mind. You’ll have a fabulous friend for life.
Daniel Browne Columnist and Warwickshire Pride Founder
Firstly, I feel for you and can totally relate to this situation.
Being into someone who doesn’t reciprocate those feelings can be crushing. However, because things haven’t gone further with this incredible looking, funny guy it doesn’t mean that he’s not into you. Perhaps he likes to take things at a slower pace and get to know someone before he becomes intimate with them.
Maybe he’s absolutely into you but is not ready to take the next step yet. Of course, it is possible that he doesn’t have the same feelings for you that you have for him. If that’s the case, then it sounds like you’ve made a great friend and that’s something to treasure. Give this relationship time and see where it goes. If it doesn’t develop into something more than friendship then as upsetting as that may be, you do have that companionship to enjoy. If it does develop into something more intimate, that’s something you can equally enjoy and it will have been worth the wait.
What do you think? Have your say in the comments below.
Have you got a sexual health or emotional dilemma to ask us? Click here
A reader asks about how he can start to rebuild his life after two violent attacks and being diagnosed with PTSD. Doctor Dannii Cohen answers.
CREDIT: igor stevanovic / bigstock
Dear Dilemmas,
I have been violently attacked twice in less than a year with no provocation from me before the incidents. After the first time I was diagnosed with PTSD and put on medication which helps, however, the most recent attack last night when I was beaten, robbed and threatened with gang reprisals has left me feeling completely empty. It’s not like last year where I began to see my attacker everywhere (even though it wasn’t him) and felt gripped by fear, this time I just feel empty, defeated and believing it’s only a matter of time before it happens again if I stay in this area.
I don’t want to go to my GP because in the 3 or 4 minutes they will allot for an appointment I will be unable to explain things as I am now, most likely ending up with the escotilapram dose being put up. What can I do outside of medication to move past this and control the PTSD?
*name withheld
Dear reader,
I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I am also annoyed with your GP for just giving medication. Trauma does not go away with pills. You have to talk about it with other people, you have to move through the pain and work hard to move through it so you can leave it behind you.
These feelings you describe, feeling empty, scared and defeated sound rather like PTSD caused by the traumatic event. You really need professional help to deal with those, because leaving this untreated could see you face a lot of avoidable psychological difficulties in the future. Please see a psychologist or counsellor.
Also, have you been to the police? If these people keep attacking you maybe they can help too, this should not happen a third time!
The best thing I can do is leave you with the contact e-mails to LGBT support and help groups. Maybe they can put you in contact with LGBT community help close to you.
The LGBT Foundation Helpline might be best, as you can report a hate crime and ask for mental help anonymously.
You can email the helpline anytime at helpline@lgbt.foundation and they will reply to you within 10 working days.
For immediate support you can call the helpline on 0345 3 30 30 30
There is also the Switchboard LGBT+ helpline a telephone service giving support advice and referrals to young LGBT people.
Helpline: 0300 330 0630 (lines open 10am to 10pm)
Email: chris@switchboard.lgbt
I hope you will find the support you need.
With love,
Dannii
“I think I am gay, because I am very much attracted to men, it’s difficult for me to come out and tell my parents about it because of society issues. Never had sex before, I’m still a virgin.
I I don’t know what’s the scare, like something stopping me to come out. I just watch porn and masturbate!
I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Pressure to come out, pressure to have sex, pressure to lose your virginity. I think you need to relax and explore your attractions without thinking about any of these things. Enjoy the company of others, dates don’t need to lead to sex unless you want them too. When you meet the right person you will feel no pressure and it will evolve organically.
I think you need a holiday or a trip away for any purpose where people don’t know you. Give yourself a chance to explore some of the insecurities you have in anonymity. Having a sexuality is not a diagnosis, it does not come with spots or any other symptom, so don’t label yourself. There is no requirement to come out. Your first responsibility is to yourself to be yourself. This is not practice for life it is the real thing and a one time opportunity. Take the pressure off, and everything else is likely to follow.
Jake Hook, Editor
You don’t say whether you’re dependent on your family for accommodation and money, if coming out is going to affect that situation or it puts you in danger, you should try and get yourself in a position to live independently as soon as you can. However, if you still need their help for the foreseeable future, there’s no reason why you can’t explore your sexuality without coming out to them, after all, you don’t want to endanger having a roof over your head. Parents don’t need to know everything about their offspring, just as offspring don’t need to know everything about their parents.
Are you able to find a gay scene nearby, pride season is upon us, can you make your way to a pride and hang out with the crowd, find out what is available in your local community and get involved somehow. Sex is important but you shouldn’t feel the need to rush – and masturbation is healthy – and if it makes you happy then crack on.
A reader asks, having never had sex with a man before, how does he do it?
Dear TGUK,
I’m a 57-year-old guy, how do I have sex with a guy for first time?
(Name withheld)
Here’s what we think:
Daniel Browne Warwickshire Pride Founder
There are many ways of having sex, but it’s not for me to tell you how you should be doing it.
Ultimately it’s your journey. It’s personal and unique to you, so in time you’ll discover what you like and what you don’t. What I will say is that it’s important you feel comfortable and relaxed about what you are doing. It’s common for people to put pressure on themselves when it comes to sex, and that pressure is often heightened when doing something for the first time.
Whether it’s performance anxiety or worrying about getting it right, pressure can mount and that never really helps the situation.
My advice is to do what comes naturally to you and take your time. Be sure about what you are doing, and enjoy it. And remember that there is no right or wrong way to have sex, other than perhaps playing safe.
Jake HookEditor THEGAYUK.com
It might be worth to make a list of things you actually want to do, what you think you’d be comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with. There are loads of different types of sex from mutual masturbation to anal sex to fisting.
Making that list will help you set some boundaries. Once you know where those boundaries lie, you can set about finding someone whose ideas on sex fit with yours. It’s relatively easy to find out what potential partners are into, especially on dating apps and hook up sites. The simple question, “what are you into?” will yield loads of info and you can work out whether you’ll be comfortable with that person.
If you’re not very experienced, never underestimate the power of communication. Let your partner know that you’re a newbie, maybe make it a part of the experience – and have a talk about the sex you’re going to have. It could turn out to be quite the turn on.
As always, whatever you end up doing, make sure you’re safe, use condoms and if you’re having anal sex, make sure you use lots of lube.
