This week, columnist Scott Sammons gives us a rundown of rule for rough sex.

As some of you know (or don’t) I have a dark side. This dark side I tend to keep to myself because many of our community don’t understand it, and even more of the straight community understand it even less. But as a ‘practitioner of the dark arts’, I wanted to share some basic rules (dos and don’ts) for you to be aware of should you want to dabble with dark arts and want to avoid being burnt (sometimes, literally).

My thanks go to some kinky followers on my dark side account that added ideas to this article. Your input was very insightful, and I certainly learnt even more than I knew before so thank you!

So follow me oh little innocent white rabbit as we venture, ever so carefully, into the dark hole of kink, fetish and rough sex.

First and foremost, consent is EVERYTHING.

Just because someone is wearing, for example, a harness or a ‘revealing rubber outfit’, does not give you the right to manhandle them and to do as you please. Many guys see or hear that someone is into something and use that as a right to do as they please. Absolutely not. Especially as actually that pup/submissive/slave etc may actually belong to someone else…

Always either agree on the rules up front with a play partner or ask permission from the person (or their handler) before touching them if you see someone out and about. No means no!

No also means no in the privacy of your own bedroom. If a partner wants to explore and you don’t feel free to say no. You should, of course, hear them out as to what they want to do. But the decision to do it still rests with you and no means no. Rough sex can take its toll so you have been open and prepared for that. Sex should be fun for all involved, regardless of where you get that feeling of fun from.

Accept you’re not an expert from day 1.

Perhaps just as importantly, don’t pretend to know everything when you have not done it before. It is perfectly acceptable to say that you have not done something and want to find someone to teach you. Yes, you get the idiots that claim not to have the time to educate but see past them and you’ll find a wide range of people willing to teach you in the art of fetish.

This is especially important in things like rope play, breath control, restraint etc. There is nothing wrong with testing limits, but have some sense about it and learn about what you need to do to play safely.

Know your limits

What is the first thing an experienced drinker tells you? Know your limits! Know when you’re getting close to something going wrong and learn to stop and say no, take a break or whatever you need to do. It’s not worth doing yourself permanent damage (or even losing your life in breath control) for sake of a bit of fun.

Start slowly.

Everyone, even if they don’t realise it, starts off small and the works their way up to more interesting stuff. But make sure you can walk before you run pupster. It could be a little light restraint here, a slight spanking there. Get a feel for what you like the look and feel of then decide if you want to venture further down the rabbit hole. Throwing yourself straight into, fisting, for example, is just asking for trouble. Start with a finger, then 2, then a penis, then 2, then maybe just the tip… (couldn’t resist, sorry!).

Start small.

Start with smaller things. Hands tied up, a fabric face mask with the mouth exposed, light to mild spanking, piss play in the bath at home, smaller cheaper items of fetish gear – those sorts of things. We all started somewhere and you can be reasonably cheaply now a wide range of starter kits for most things fetish.

Then, over time and exposure, you start to find your fetish and what gets you going. It either becomes your thing or just simply becomes your thing you dabble in. Either way, it’s yours and you are comfortable with it.


People shame people for preparing for sex, but I don’t. I say crack on and do what you need to do. This goes for ‘tops‘ as well as ‘bottoms‘. Be prepared for what you are going to start playing with. For fisting, for example, your bog standard cheap lube and your rough hands are not going to do it. Get some decent lube and invest in gloves for your first couple of times (bearing in mind allergies). Play smart!

Safe words (stop means stop)

Donkey. Banana, Diana Ross, Red Light, Parley, and even Grandma are all acceptable safe words. For those of you unaware, a safe word is a mutually agreed random word that either of you uses to indicate that you need to stop or break character. It could be that you just need a break right the way through to something isn’t right. Either way, even if you aren’t inclined to use it, have it! Have it and not need it, then need it and not have it. It is perfectly reasonable for a Dom to think your cries of mercy and surrender are nothing more than part of the act so you need something to send a very clear signal, I want to stop and I want to stop now.

Pay attention to body language

This is mainly aimed at Masters/Dominants/Tops but the same principle could easily be said to Slaves/Sub-missives/Bottoms as well. Pay attention to what your playmate is doing and not doing. Learn to read their body language and responses. Not only is this brilliant valuable as a Dom for teasing and learning their sensitive areas, but also as the person in control spotting when actually they need to stop but they haven’t or won’t admit it.

Have fun!

And finally, remember to have fun. One of the main points of kink is that it is fun. If you are not having fun at the very least, then why on earth are you doing it?

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