THEGAYUK

Author: Paul Stag

  • FILM REVIEW | Rampage

    RAMPAGE – An outer space Scientific accident and the world is faced by giant marauding animals and the only thing that can save mankind is 6.6″ of man-muscle in the shape of the king of bulges Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

    Nutshell – Three animals get hit by a dangerous pathogen from an exploding space station, one of which is The Rock’s best mate, a giant albino gorilla. They get to be real big and nasty and set out to destroy Chicago and beyond but can Dwayne and his female sidekick save the day, get his monkey mate back from the darkside and beat the human conspiracy behind it all? Be warned you may need a hanky before the end and not for wanking over the big man’s incredible sleeveless biceps.

    Running Time – 107 minutes – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Big Meets Bigger’. Our favourite hot-as-fuck man-ape meets real bare bottomed monkeys.

    The Gay UK Factor – Dwayne Johnson is one of the hottest men on the planet and if you are into muscles there is no-one bigger and better. He is now the highest paid actor on earth and just coming off of two monster hit films in Fast & Furious 8 and Jumanji so he is hot in every single meaning of the word. He knows how to please his gay following spending huge amounts of time in shirtless/armless tops and tight ass trousers. After his Diehard movie Skyscraper and Suicide Squad 2 we will get the most anticipated gay movie of all time… no not Mamma Mia 2 but The Rocl buddying up with The Stath (Jason Statham) in Hobbs and Shaw the ultimate bald-headed, muscle off, all action, all fighting gay fantasy and yes there is shirtless sweating scenes a plenty.

    Cast – Dwayne Johnson, Miss Moneypenny herself Naomie Harris, Negan himself from The Walking Dead Jeffrey Dean Morgan plus a bunch of very sexy bad guys and thugs who get taken out all too soon by one of the killer animals as far as we are concerned.

    Key Player – This is a one-man show so it is Dwayne’s film but he is equalled paw for fist by the CGI gorilla George who will steal your heart and you will believe he is truly real. If you love animals you will be happy likewise if you like masculine male muscle you will be too.

    Budget – $120 Million and it looks like it will make that back in the USA but any film with The Rock in is a goldmine internationally so it’s at $180 Million Worldwide in the first six days and about to be released in the Far East where they eat this monster movie stuff up and can’t stand things like Star Wars.

    Best Bit – 0.95 mins; The ending is great but that would mean spoilers so let’s go with the very funny second scene of the movie in the gorilla enclosure which sets the entertainment tone perfectly for the film after the silly giant rat opener.

    Worst Bit – 0.15 mins; The brother and sister baddies would fit better in a rubbish camp batman sixties TV episode and they are as about as threatening as a two-inch cock in a dark room.

    Little Secret – This looks like the first truly successful video game movie transition ever especially after the recent tipped but flopping Tomb Raider continued that jinx. Yes, this was originally a computer game. This is so unlike the games in many ways which is maybe why it is working most notably in the computer version the giant Gorilla, Wolf, Crocodile etc are originally humans whereas here they are just mutated or enlarged versions of the animal which makes a lot more sense.

    Further Viewing – Godzilla’s 1 and 2, Jurassic Parks 1 through 5, Mimic, Eight Legged Freaks, Them, Razorback, Lake Placid and either the original or latest Kink Kong’s but not the 1976 Jeff Bridges version for the sake of your own sanity.

    Any Good – There is a word you only ever see in movie reviews and that is Hokum. This film is the definition of Hokum as it is total utter nonsense but done with such passion, love and humour that you will forgive it anything. The action is superb and there is plenty of it along the lines of some epic building shattering Superhero or Transformers film but with some female appeal here. Dwayne’s continual successful good run continues and he is still the king of action, international cinema appeal and 50% of gay men’s vinegar strokes jerking fantasy…

    Rating – 57% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Tomb Raider

    TOMB RAIDER – The umpteenth attempt to turn a blockbuster video game into a hit movie. Lara Croft is back for her third cinema outing cue new origin story and then a high octane action-packed trip to a Japanese jungle.


    Nutshell – We meet Lara as a troubled kid in London as a low earning cycling courier mourning the death of her parents and in particular her Dad who went missing on an antiquity hunt. She gets sucked into retracing his steps in the Far East where there are ample bad guys, endless Tomb booby traps and a total bitch of a supernatural being that could destroy the planet. Think Raiders of The Lost Ark with boobs although it does stay closer to the computer games than the Angelina Jolie two attempts.

    Running Time – 118 minutes – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Her Legend Begins’…..and end with this Box Office

    The Gay UK Factor –  When we meet the bad guys things pick up hugely as each thug following each thug is hornier, sweatier and more muscle-bound than the last. Ok, so they all get dispatched at some point but a conveyor belt of good looking men all of which look like they were born to top, makes things very watchable – think Tinder/Scruff or Grindr the movie version.

    Cast – Alicia Vikander, Dominic West, Derek Jacobi, Kristin Scott Thomas and Daniel Wu so nobody worth getting that excited about or reach for your Fleshjack’s for but it’s the character that will sell the tickets here hopefully.

    Key Player – Core Design the company that 23 years ago designed the Lara Croft character the only computer game to have three movies and the character is also in Guinnesses Book Of Records as the most successful in computer gaming history.

    Budget – $94 Million and it is already suffering with an opening of just 25 Million. Very few movies actually make a loss nowadays with DVD/TV/Streaming/Satellite etc and most importantly the global market especially Asia and with this film set in Japan that is a lock. Sequels though may be in question.

    Best Bit – 0.49 mins; A big action set piece where Lara is escaping the bad guys via some rapids ending up clinging to various parts of an old aircraft that has crashed atop a waterfall. There are four genuine heart in the mouth moments but not a lot comes close in the rest of the movie.

    Worst Bit – 0.01 mins; Purely and simply Alicia Vikander just does not have a lot of presence and is largely unconvincing pulling off all the fights and action later in the movie from no obvious training, background or experience. She is certainly no Angelina Jolie or even Gal Gadot for that matter.

     

    Further Viewing – Lara Crofts 1 and 2, Indiana Jones 1 through 5, Jewel On The Nile but avoid all computer game/movies as from Warcraft to Assassins Creed they are all as much use as those tissues under your bed.

    Any Good – It’s passable without being outstanding. The action story and locations (with South Africa standing in for the Japanese islands) are all decent but whoever did the casting here needs their heads examining. You won’t want your money back but Angelina will hardly be worried about this taking her green T-shirt and twin guns away. It’s borderline whether this will turn into a franchise or not but a sequel will have to up its game.

    Rating – 50% out of 100.

  • Meet Jason Domino, the porn star who is championing sex health through porn

    Meet Jason Domino, gay porn star, charity founder and originator of the Porn4PrEP movement, a campaign to get gay and bisexual men educated on PrEP.

    Charity founder Jason Domino has spoken at the United Nations, on primetime BBC News and featured in articles for the New Scientist, Huffington Post, and Dazed. His advocacy in the UK earned him a spot on the “IMPACT” PrEP trial’s advisory board. Jason lives as a public example for sexual health, a VERY public example…

    “For a Sexual Health film, I had sex without a condom, with someone who has HIV. They were off medication and had a high Viral Load. I haven’t contracted HIV. I chose to do this to reinforce confidence that PrEP works even in “high risk” events. My scene partner was about to try his new medication and had a high Viral Load at the time. Rather than encouraging people to be irresponsible, our aim was to highlight rigid attitudes and to educate. We wanted to stop people being so reluctant to talk about HIV and missing out on important major updates in HIV information.

    “That is the problem in a nutshell; people don’t talk about Sexual Health and yet, think they have the most up to date information about it. A few weeks ago I was taking in an UBER home from a night out, and I told my driver what undetectable meant. He then told me, in floods of tears, he had an aunt with HIV, he rejected years ago. He cast her out of the family in case they caught HIV from her, telling her to pray for healing. We pulled over, and I told him modern medication meant, people living with HIV could have long healthy lives, and once undetectable for six months, they could not pass on HIV. We went through the different ways it could be passed on and what preventions existed. I then sat there, as a grown man I barely knew called his estranged aunt for the first time in five years. There were many sad and happy tears.

    “I’d love to say it felt great. It didn’t; it just hurt that people were ever stuck in that situation. It was just a reminder how much people are afraid to talk about things like HIV.

    Finding condoms comfortable or not, is an immature attitude to an important conversation

    “I work a cabaret a few nights a month. For weeks now I have been suggesting an idea for an act. A sexy act that features a zombie and his distant lover finding a renewed closeness after a fairy/nurse gives them some pills. It then turns into a shocking zombie flesh throwing couple strip. They end up seeing each other as equal partners. The last part is not the part the cabaret disliked; in fact, they loved the gory strip. The cabaret saw right through my plan to integrate a constructive message about sexual health, into a sexual space. I have rewritten it a dozen times, each time rejected. When did sex and sexual health become so distant? In real life, they are unavoidably married. In current culture, sex is only palatable isolated in its own fantasy. Only when permitted to speak transparently about sex we can bridge into sexual health, even if only as a casual detail. Sex is an inevitable part of our lives that is seen daily in advertising, and in cases like my own, in work too. Being squeamish talking about, e.g. finding condoms comfortable or not, is an immature attitude to an important conversation. It is much more common to see sex communicated subtly with images and inferring details, than discussing it directly. Subtly praising sex is socially acceptable, but our windows to talk and listen about sexual health are limited and unattractive. They are however two sides of the same coin.

    “The fact that we can’t talk about sex transparently is people sticking to their comfort zones, often embarrassed to revealing their personal sex life.

    “Many things are hard to do without practice, but most things that can save someone’s life get the man hours put in. Last year I was a victim of my own assumption. I thought I was completely up to date on my sexual health information, but I wasn’t. I am a man, and like the majority of sexually active adults, I had contracted HPV. Most adults don’t express symptoms, or only do when their immune system is running low. Many men don’t even think they can catch HPV. HPV is a collection of around 100 strains of a virus, some cause genital warts, and some lead to cancer. In the UK girls are vaccinated against the worse and most common strains of HPV on the NHS. Boys are not, but it does work for boys. As I lay on the operating table going under general anaesthetic for surgery, I wondered why no one offered me the vaccination. It existed, but no one was comfortable talking about it. A laser burned 360 degrees inside me, and I spent a number of months on tramadol feeling like I was giving birth every time I went to the loo.

    “I am doing ok now; I look healthy down there. But I will always carry HPV, like many. But I’m aware now. I will need regular checks to detect cancerous changes, and I need my partners to either be unaffected or be vaccinated against it.

    Abstinence and condoms is an embarrassingly basic prevention lesson.

    “I talk about sex a lot. Some say too much, and that it isn’t a subject worth dwelling on. I am then unsure they understand why I talk about it, which challenges me to talk more. Attitudes towards sex are perverted. In other aspects of life, we praise learnt wisdom, but we hide sex behind a veil. Praising virginity as opposed to sexual wisdom. We don’t do this for other elements for good reason; celebrating a naïve state encourages vulnerability and reduces learning motivation. Why should sex be any different? Sex isn’t such a big deal that we can’t chat about it. It can be difficult at first, but by sharing information we can all be wiser. If you care for children you’d want them prepared rather than vulnerable. Abstinence and condoms is an embarrassingly basic prevention lesson. Awareness of treatment options is equally important, along with many other elements like on-going consent and communication.

    “Context Dependent Memory is a psychology principle placing value on the situation a learner is in. There is up to a 50% decrease in recollection of the information with changing scenarios, environments and emotional state changes. An example of this is the Divers Study, divers were trained to know how to fix an oil rig. They dived to the repair site, and all divers forgot their training. They remembered it again once surfacing. Eventually, divers were trained in a submerged environment; they had better success. When it comes to teaching about sexual health, principles like this, are completely ignored. A Sex Ed class is often awkward, formal and largely danger-focussed. Sex in real life is about pleasure, excitement, feeling turned on, and sometimes anxiety. If we take the subject seriously, then students deserve a more effective way of educating them. It is the reason I started a unique charity. My charity makes porn, and soon Erotica, both contain seeds of sexual health information. A skilled director or writer can integrate these messages without throwing the piece off topic. Many people can’t even imagine the two being compatible.

    “Porn isn’t like real sex, but it reaches people regardless who they may be. Viewing porn is also a closer context to real sex than the current format for sexual health classes. Biological terms like “penis” are less sex-associated than words like “cock”. Even the language we use makes sexual health distant from sex. The language to teach these classes may make us feel more professional, but it might literally be undermining the purpose of teaching it in the first place.

    We don’t need to put sex on a mysterious plinth.

    “I am a porn actor and a sexual health speaker. I was recently asked to speak at the UN in Geneva about sexual health. I do events like that while maintaining my status as a porn actor because we need sexual experience to become respectable and socially acceptable. We don’t need to put sex on a mysterious plinth. Sex is easily used to sell perfume and products, but what we need most, is people sharing their experiences and being examples for others to learn from. We need this, so the sexually naïve (yes even those who think they have it all covered) can make informed decisions about topics they’ve not been exposed to. We owe it to people to provide them with the most up-to-date information, so they don’t stumble into dangerous ignorance.

    You can find out more about Jason from his charity Porn4PrEP or his twitter @thejasondomino

  • Oscars 2018 – The winners and the ones that should win

    Oscars 2018 – The winners and the ones that should win

    Once again it’s my annual review of the Oscars looking at who should win against who will win at the Kodak Theatre in barmy Hollywood on March 4th, 2018.

    Will this year’s Call Me By Your Name feature in Paul’s Oscar predictions?

    As always the top twenty movies of the last year are wholly absent from the nominations and there is such a wide chasm between what the critics ejaculate over and then win trophies as to what people actually want to go and see, buy popcorn and snuggle with a hot guy in the back row.

    If you are a true movie fan, read on and see what the Oscars should be like if they gave statuettes to people and films folks have heard off and those with a gay bent.

    BEST PICTURE – Should Win: Paddington 2 The highest rated movie in IMDB/Rotten Tomatoes history because every single critic loved it…

    Will Win: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri if the aged voters can put up with all the swearing ‘f*cks’ and ‘c*nts’ throughout, (it is f*cking good though)

    BEST ACTOR – Should Win: Chris Hemsworth’s member in bulging spandex in Thor Ragnarok or Arnie Hammer The Man From Uncle and Lone Ranger kissing a bloke and seeming to love it…

    Will Win: Gary Oldman for the Darkest Hour well that is good make-up for ya.

    BEST ACTRESS – Should Win: Gal Gadot for busting everyone’s balls in the megahit WonderWoman or Emma Watson who with Beauty and The Beast became the biggest box-office female earner of all time and she is British…

    Will Win: Frances McDormand who is very good in an Oscar-baiting way in Three Billboards.

    BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – Should Win: Dwayne Johnson’s speedos in Baywatch and Jon Hamm’s tight jeans in Baby Driver or possibly Hugh Grant in Paddington 2…

    Will Win: Sam Rockwell in a career-best performance in Three Billboards with the best character arc of all time.

    BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – Should Win: Keela Settle for her Top 10 charting great gay anthem showstopping song ‘This Is Me’ in The Greatest Showman…

    Will Win: Laurie Metcalf in Ladybird but we preferred her on TV in Roseanne.

    ANIMATION – Should Win: Johnny Depp’s acting in the appalling Pirates 5.….

    Will Win: Coco, yes the incredible out of this world Coco…..is it the best-animated film in history?… quite possibly.

    Best Foreign Language Film – No such thing according to my dictionary but if so it should go to T2 – Trainspotting 2 as we could not understand a bloody word…

    Will win: the Swedish film nominated but there is a Russian nominee, and we all know how they like to fix results in their favour!

    Costume Design – Should Win: Baywatch great tight beach gear on Dwayne Johnson and sex god Zac Efron.

    Will Win: Unfortunately Victoria and Abdul which is the filmic equivalent of sleeping tablets.

    Directing – Should Win: Edgar Wright for the hit of the summer Baby Driver.

    Will win: Guillermo Del Toro for the monster shagging under the sea in The Shape Of Water.

    Editing – Should Win: Baby Driver as it was just so cool.

    Will Win: Dunkirk possibly the most overrated film of the year and boy did it do very poor business overseas.

    Makeup & Hair Styling – Should Win: War Of The Planet Of The Apes by a mile.

    Will Win: The Darkest Hour (Yawnnnnnn !).

    Music – Should Win: Beauty And The Beast or The Greatest Showman both great musicals BUT…

    Will Win: Dunkirk purely because of who the composer was. No more WW2 movies for a bit, please.

    Original Song – Should Win: “Days In The Sun” or “Evermore” from Beauty And The Beast…

    Will Win: This Is Me The new great Gay Anthem from The Greatest Showman still climbing the charts one month on and a trophy will help it gain eternal popularity.

    Sound Mixing – Should Win: Thor Ragnarok, Marvel’s hit of the year and third biggest film ever.

    Will Win: Star Wars The Last Jedi.

    Visual Effects – Should Win: The genuinely incredible record-breaking Fast And Furious 8…

    Will Win: Blade Runner 2049 now officially one of the year’s biggest flops.

    Adapted Screenplay – Should Win: Call Me By Your Name, and it will win too – simply the best gay film since a couple of cowboys f*cked on a mountain without any douching facilities.

    Original Screenplay – Should Win: Baby Driver …

    Will Win: Get Out which was a very clever little profitable movie.

    The Gay Oscar Film of the Year – Baywatch for the sex appeal, Wonderwoman for the camp and Call Me By your Name for taking the LGBT+ film world forward.

    Stunt of the year – Arnie Hammers tonsil cleaning scene with his hot younger lover in Call or 15 separate sections of Fast and Furious 8 THE action movie of the year and the second biggest earner worldwide and boy was The Stath funny.

    Hunk Of The Year – In a year where we had Zac Efron on the beach, pure hot man roles for Arnie Hammer, Chris Hemsworth and Chris Pratt the award goes to…..drum roll… Hugh Jackman who bowed out from Wolverine in Logan after nine movies and even more years with his shirt off showing an eight pack and sweating muscles which has been a work of pure gym and eating dedication for a decade.

    Lifetime GAYUK Achievement Award – Superstud and man mountain Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson the former wrestler with a body to die for and die under started the year with the astonishing Fast and Furious 8 and finished it in the number one slot with Jumanji Welcome To The Jungle knocking Star Wars for six after just a fortnight and giving it a bloody nose or sore ass becoming the Winter surprise hit of the year.

    Obituary of the Year – The Transformers franchise – what a f*ck up, Celebrity cameos Beckham in Robin Hood, Sheeran in Game Of Thrones, McCartney in Pirates, Ade Edmondson in Star Wars… please please make it stop; Also the end of TV movie reboots as Baywatch and CHIPS suffer, and many other careers go pear-shaped (Tom cruise in the terrible Mummy!) as huge blockbusters bomb like never before….The Great Wall, Dark Tower, Pirates 5 and Assassins Creed to name some of the biggest bombs of 2017.

  • REVIEW OF THE 2018 FILM YEAR – Bring on Cher, Abba, Freddie Mercury, Elton, The Stath in swimwear, Jude in lycra and loads of Zac and the Rock.

    Could 2018 be the gayest year in Cinema?

    Hollywood is always after the pink pound, and this year gay bums on cinema seats are more sought after than ever as the world’s top directors and hottest stars line up what will almost certainly be the biggest year ever at the Box Office and certainly the queerest. So what have our favourite studios and studs got lined up for you?

    A quick glance through the release schedules has us salivating. We find our wish lists in full with Channing Tatum in uniform in a musical, Jason Statham spending two hours in his swimwear, Chris Pratt in cowboy kit (again) and new musicals from Elton John and Freddie Mercury; Cher takes over the Mamma Mia sequel, gay films winning at the Oscars, and of course, the unbelievably six-pack Zac Efron’s next movie is even called Beach Bum…  super gay or what?

    Hollywood has long ceased to be inventive falling back on sequels aplenty, blockbusting Superhero films and kids’ movies together with instant recognisable nostalgic brands and this year that is the case more than ever. We are sure you are all gagging for arrival at your multiplex in a few months time of Mary Poppins Returns, The New Top Gun, Predator and even Johnny English all back in 2018 after lengthy breaks.

    Let’s start with the Awards baiting films. The big news is of course that two out and out gay films namely Call Me By Your Name and God’s Own Country are big in nominations across both the Bafta’s and Golden Globes in 2018  which should mean the Oscars follow. Will one of them go one better than Brokeback Mountain and win the top trophy for Film of the Year for us shirtlifters everywhere. What is undeniable is that gay cinema and same-sex love stories are now box office sure things which is all good. Of course, there are plenty of other big trophy grabbers out there such as Three Billboards, Shape Of Water, The Darkest Hour and what every gay man has wanted for Steven Spielberg to get his hands on Meryl Street for the first time in 40 years in The Post (and Tom Hanks for the 6th time!)

    Sequel Time

    Sequels wise the big news is Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom which is vying for biggest film of the year. Also you are getting The Incredibles 2, Mission Impossible 6, Cloverfield 3, Wreck It Ralph 2, 50 Shades Freed, The Girl With The Spiders Web, a new Pacific Rim, Creed 2 with added Dolph Lundgren, The Purge: The Island, Maze Runner 3, Equaliser 2 from Denzel, loads more and of course top of every gay man’s list mid-summer we get Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again. Meryl is out, Cher is in as her mother, and everyone else is back in a story of how Streep’s character (SPOILER ALERT who may be dead in this film) conceived her daughter in a prequel with all the same ABBA songs just in a different order this time.

    Reboot

    Reboots also abound with Taron Egerton doing a younger sexier Robin Hood, Tom Cruise doing Top Gun: Maverick (wasn’t he the in the first homoerotic flyboy movie), Muscleman Jason Mamoa takes time out from Aquaman to bring back The Crow franchise, The Grinch is here for Christmas again. There are live versions of The Lion King and The Jungle Book (Yes another one) plus Oceans 8 and Halloween cancelling out all its previous sequels. The first Transformers offshoot comes at year’s end with everyone’s favourite Bumblebee and just six months after The Last Jedi the Star Wars universe gives us the story of Hans Solo’s early days and how he found his inner Wookie in ‘Solo’ in its original lucky May release date.

    Superheroes

    Marvel and DC are bringing out all their superheroes during the year. Marvel to celebrate its ten year anniversary gives us Avengers Infinity War (Pt1) with every one of their characters from Iron Man to Thor, via Captain America, Spiderman, Deadpool and all the Guardians of the Galaxy plus many others all in one mega battle movie. We get THREE, count them, X Men films one being a horror; Venom, Aquaman and Black Panther get their debuts and Deadpool, and Ant Man and The Wasp are welcome sequels.

    We are mostly looking forward to Venom as the thought of two hours of Tom Hardy in spandex works for us.

    Our other leading movie star donors to our wank bank will also be keeping our wrists busy. The Rock is fighting giant animals in The Rampage and doing a Die Hard remake in The Skyscraper next to his reboot of Big Trouble In Little China. Channing Tatum is lining up the airborne musical The Wingmen, James Franco fresh from winning endless trophies for The Disaster Artist has possibly eight films out most notably the comedy Zeroville. Leonardo is bringing us the ‘Italian Sherlock Holmes’, Jude Law does the Forbidden Beasts sequel (as the oh so straight Dumbledore from Harry Potter as well as his first superhero in Lycra Captain Marvel. Ryan Reynolds does an X Men film, Gosling is Neil Armstong on the moon, Chris Hemsworth is heading for Star Trek, and Chris Pratt dons his Magnificent Seven chaps to frame his perfect ass in a Billy The Kid Westerner. Tipped as the biggest new film of the year is Jason Statham The Stath with his biggest budget yet in the underwater The Meg where he battles a giant shark and no doubt will have his kit off for most of the movie as per usual.

    At last, we get the Freddie Mercury movie Bohemian Rhapsody which stars Queer as Folk and Game Of Thrones Aiden Gillen and Mike Myers. Elton follows up his Lion King soundtrack with a bunch of new songs for Sherlock Gnomes and Will Ferrell also does a comedy version of the Deerstalker wearing detective. Pixar gives us two movies in the year (very rare) with The Incredibles 2 and outstanding Coco. The superb Peter Rabbit voiced by James Corden goes for the Paddington style money grab, Aardman gives us Early Man but the best family film by far seems to be Wes Anderson’s stop-motion Isle Of Dogs as a boy searching for his lost pup must be a sure-fire winner.

    2018 will be a massive year at the cinema. With over 780 huge releases, that is more than two per day cinema goer’s and gay men looking for the hottest stars will have to be more discerning than ever. We will bring you all the best gay movie reviews on release at THEGAYUK to help you pick the Nick Jonas’ from the Nick Nowles’ and not miss any of that all important film star flesh count.

    So whether you have been waiting for Melissa McCarthy to film with The Muppets, James Cameron to return with Alita, Gerard Butler to flex his muscles in Den Of Thieves, Peter Jackson to leave his Hobbits behind finally and give us Mortal Engines or Steven Spielberg to make what could be the biggest film of his career in the phenomenal Ready Player One this is going to require one hell of a lot of popcorn for the next 365 days.

    Our predictions.

    Chris Pratt will have the two biggest films of the year (Avengers/Jurassic) and replace The Rock as the world’s most popular and expensive film star.

    A massive queue of movies will mean that many sure-fire films will just not find their audiences and screen space, and in what should be a superb year for women.

    In other spheres our tips for the flops at this early stage are all female-led as we foresee problems for Jennifer Lawrence’s Red Sparrow, the expensive Wrinkle In Time, the new Tomb Raider and the all-female Oceans 8 which all look average in preview in a Ghostbuster’s reboot way.

    Our Prediction of the top 10 at the world box office for 2018.

    1 Avengers Infinity War

    2 Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdon

    3 The Incredibles 2

    4 Ready Player One

    5 Fantastic Beasts: Crimes Of Grindelwald

    6 The Meg

    7 Mission Impossible 6

    8 Coco

    9 Isle Of Dogs

    10 Solo but watch for Peter Rabbit as a dark horse

  • FILM REVIEW | The Greatest Showman

    THE GREATEST SHOWMAN – The already award-winning musical of the original showman PT Barnum celebrating the birth of show business itself with all original songs including the best new gay anthem in 30 years… and it is now climbing up the pop charts.

    Nutshell – The greatest entertainer of all time in a classic rags to riches story of how he discovered that ‘freakshows’ and different people were of interest to the paying public if presented with fantasy and imagination and how he gave them all respectability. It goes from bankruptcy to the most famous three-ring circus shows of all time in Victorian era New York. With 11 songs that will be new to your ears which is unusual in this Mamma Mia, Chicago, Disney Musical era but many of them soon grow on you especially the big set piece ones. The movie Hugh Jackman has waited his whole life to make.

    Running Time – 105 minutes – PG.

    Tagline – ‘From The Writers and Producers Of La La Land‘.

    THEGAYUK Factor – Well it is a musical to start with and visually spectacular a la Moulin Rouge and this is about outsiders with public taste campaigning against them like black trapeze artists, midgets and bearded ladies with a good-looking penniless orphaned hero. It all comes together in the incredible new gay anthem “This Is Me” which will replace “I Am What I Am” from La Cage Aux Follie as the ultimate gay anthem from a musical in no short space of time. This movie is as gay as Kylie in drag belting out “It’s Raining Men” as she enters the Big Brother house.

    Cast – Hugh Jackman, Michelle Williams, Zendaya, Rebecca Ferguson and the king of the abs fresh from The Baywatch beach Zac Efron.

    Key Player – The three men here Justin Paul, Benj Pasek  who together wrote all the numbers and Jackman who carries most of them off with aplomb. There is not really a bad tune here and all 11 have now entered the pop charts with the gay anthem getting the highest spot straight in the Top Ten even before it started picking up awards.

    Budget – $84 Million but it looks a lot more expensive maybe some good CGI. Brokeven in seven days and like all musicals, it tends to find its real home on DVD and TV with repeat viewings – this is the first money spinner of the New Year.

    Best Bit – 0.59 mins; The big set piece showstopping number “This Is Me” which has already won The Golden Globe for Song Of The Year and will now be the surefire Oscar winner in a few weeks time. The film’s misfits belt out these great gay-friendly lyrics and boy does it build, as Alex Zane announced on Sky it is the first key change ever that made him weep. Download this song now before every drag queen in the land gets their hands on it.

    Worst Bit – 0.05 mins: There is a lot to get through here and this leads to a slightly rushed finish and more annoyingly a mega rushed jerky beginning which simply does not engage. The rest is pure heaven.

    Little Secret – Barnum’s American Museum was so popular that crowds stayed too long and he could not squeeze new paying punters in so he tricked them with signs saying “This way to the Egress” which the audience thought was a new attraction not realising it means exit until they found themselves outside on the street. In January 2017, the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus announced that their doors were closing forever, due to decreased attendance and protests by animal rights activists. Their last shows were in May 2017 they did not last to see the opening of this movie.

    Further Viewing – Moulin Rouge, La La Land, Les Mis, Hugh Jackman’s warm-up musical, The School Of Rock, Hairspray, Phantom, Dreamgirls, Fame and Into The Woods if you must.

    Any Good – The Golden Globe and now the BAFTA nominations don’t lie this is a great piece of film and a labour of love for the main star. Will the songs become evergreen favourites? Well, we hope so and they are a lot better than the 11 dirges in La La Land. If it starts picking up Oscars watch that soundtrack sell big time as already it is beating Sam Smith and Ed Sheeran. Jackman is ace and Efron learned his singing craft down at the High School Musical so you are in good hands here. If you like musicals this is a great addition and you don’t get many nowadays if not then stick with The Darkest Hour, Jumanji or Star Wars who will all happily take your money off ya instead.

    Rating – 70% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle

    JUMANJI: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE – A modern version of the book and 22-year-old Robin Williams family favourite movie original now in up to date computer game stylee featuring studs The Rock and Nick Jonas.

    Nutshell – Four very different teenagers get zapped into the former jungle board game, now all modern and digitised to the hi-tech gaming world. They have to work through the levels and team up to escape meanwhile their numbers of lives are diminishing fast. The key is that the avatar characters they are in the game are entirely different and even the opposite sex from the ones they are in the outside world. Comedy chaos is the obvious result as the wildlife and baddies attack in ever increasing numbers of mayhem. Pure family fun with added sweating bulging man muscle.

    Running Time – 119 minutes

    Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘The Game Has Evolved’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – This is so good as you get two of the hottest men around from opposite spectrums. For the muscle and masculine fans, you get the largest man on the planet Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and also the sexiest young pop star around the oh so doable Nick Jonas. Both show tonnes of skin and they sweat all the way through.

    Cast – Johnson and Jonas lead the eye candy, but you also get the comedy genius of Jack Black, the UK’s very own Karen Gillan who has done so well for herself since stepping out of the Tardis plus Kevin Hart, Bobby Cannavale and Flight Of The Conchords Rhys Darby.

    Key Player – Jack Black steals yet another movie. Here in the game, he is a geeky middle-aged man but he is inhabited by a sexy mobile phone addicted brainless school slutty girl, and this is manor from heaven for our favourite short-assed comedy genius.

    Budget – $90 Million and it is all on the screen. By New Years Day it had already made twice that back in the USA alone – worldwide over $350 Million, so obviously this is the family film that everyone wanted who is not into the activities in a galaxy far far away. Hopefully, we will get loads of sequels with Dwayne topless in all of them.

    Best Bit – 1.17 mins; Not an action scene but proof that the winning factor here is the characters chemistry. The slutty airhead girl has to teach the virgin geek girl how to flirt with two guards to cause a much-needed distraction, and it is the best comedy sequence by far, and you will scream at the transformation – think Sandy in the final sequence from Grease done for comedy value.

    Worst Bit – 1.22 mins; The big action sequence with a dangerous helicopter chase with very dodgy King Kong style CGI and highly unrealistic pieces helicopters cannot fly sideways even in video games guys!

    Little Secret – This is not shot in Africa but the same Hawaii locations as many of our favourites such as Jurassic Park and the TV series Lost and it looks like it. There are endless references to the Robin Williams’ character and the first film and no doubt that will increase in the inevitable sequels. Rather than the obvious Guns and Roses welcome song being used as the theme tune the leads offered to sing it instead which is not new for Jack Black and Jonas but is a new venture for Johnson, Hart and Gillan. Of course, this is the second film starring The Rock called Welcome To The Jungle so be careful if searching online for it.

    Further Viewing – Jumanji, The Legend Of Tarzan, Tomb Raider, Romancing The Stone, Tron, Raiders Of The Lost Ark, The Jungle Book, George Of The Jungle basically anything with the word Jungle…

    Any Good – That Box Office does not lie. A lot of it will be from good word of mouth. This should have been a CGI car crash but due to the characters outside the game picking the opposite character types in the game which is a comedy masterstroke seeing The Rock as a wimp and Hart as the sidekick etc. we get a hilarious action adventure, and the casting is spot on. This film won’t change your life but you will be an awful lot happier from seeing it, and boy Dwayne’s body just seems to be getting bigger and hotter. Just imagine that shagging you in bed.

    Rating – 71% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Star Wars: The Last Jedi

    STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI – The eighth film from a galaxy far far away, bigger, better, longer, more convoluted and with added gay appeal as the new Darth Vader gets his kit off. These films are not just for kids anymore

    FILM REVIEW | Star Wars: The Last Jedi

    Nutshell – This film picks up from the end of the Force Awakens so there is no need for character introductions or background info so we can get straight into a very good twisty turny story with endless action and so many strands to follow in future. Han Solo is pushing up intergalactic daisies, and the rebels lead by Carrie Fisher’s Leia in her final acting role before she sadly passed have finally located Luke Skywalker, and he is not a happy bunny. The new bad guys the First Order are in control of the entire Galaxy, and the good guys are down to a few hundred, and they are hotly pursued, is this the end – strap yourself in for a great roller coaster ride through hyperspace and beyond – this will be very big indeed.

    Running Time – 150 minutes The longest Star Wars film to date by a considerable margin but there is a lot of story to get through here; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – Doesn’t need one if you don’t know what is going on here after 40 years then you never will.

    THEGAYUK Factor – There has been nothing gay in the Star Wars universe to date and then suddenly here the new Darth Vader Kylo Ren for no plot reason whatsoever starts walking around shirtless… it is very eyeopening and slightly jarring. He looks really good and the unnecessary scene lingers on, even one of the other characters tells him to get some clothes on and cover himself up but we were happy with it. There are no other apparent studs here like say early Harrison Ford, but we hope for more gay angles in future maybe next time Chewbacca will get a blowjob from a hot Ewok or perhaps C-3PO will get into fisting.

    Cast – From the original series you get Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher with a much more significant part than you may expect, Anthony Daniels and Frank Oz. They are joined by the new team of Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Adam Driver, Oscar Isaac, Andy Serkis, Laura Dern, Benicio Del Toro, Game Of Thrones Gwendoline Christie even Ade Edmondson turns up, and of course, Prince William and Prince Harry are there as stormtroopers.

    Key Player – George Lucas has not been involved for five years, but he got so much right with the first film(s) that this and all future SW films are slam dunks – probably impossible to screw up. You get some real crowd-pleasing new stars in the Porgs which take to nesting in the Millenium Falcon amongst other places. The fox-like Crystal Critters and BB-8, the new fan favourite droid, gets a bigger part and he steals the movie. Disney knows better than anyone what they are doing with franchises and product placement and every kid and big kid will buy anything with these characters on.

    Budget – $200 Million and already in 5 days it has made $450 Million and is heading towards the Top 20 of all time. Repeat viewings will push it to the top of that list hopefully with huge profit unless the competition steals screens from under it namely Ferdinand, Pitch Perfect 3, The Greatest Showman and Spielberg/Hanks/Streep’s The Post all within ten days of SW opening. Disney currently reportedly makes $2.5 billion every year from the brand in memorabilia, so the film is a big money-maker.

    Best Bit – 2.11 mins; The final battle is one of the best of the entire series but every appearance of BB-8 is a winner and the Porgs double act with Chewbacca throughout is priceless.

    Worst Bit – 1.02 mins; Some editing would have been nice as we could do with less Jedi training and not as much time spent on an unnecessary Casino planet. That you can live with but when Leia is blown out into space and goes all Marvel superhero – there is a serious problem – it is a rare mistake in a great addition to the saga.

    Little Secret – There is only one Star Wars film on the biggest box office chart of all time, and that is The Force Awakens in third place behind Titanic, and Avatar and they are the exclusive three members of the Two Billion Dollar club. High hopes for this one to get up there but that running time will limit the number of shows per day, and that competition is coming for its screens with gusto and no fear. The Last Jedi‘s first record target is to beat Fast and Furious 8 the biggest movie of the year to date, and it is way behind that at present. Its other big Achilles heel is that Star Wars is just not popular in Asia unlike Harry Potter, Lord Of The Rings, Pirates, Jurassic, Transformers, Avengers and Fast and Furious films and that is a bloody big market.

    Further Viewing – Star Wars 1-7, Rogue Nation, Spaceballs, Star Trek’s 1-13, Avatar, Buck Rogers, Flash Gordan and Battlestar Galactica.

    Any Good – It is wonderful and so entertaining. New fans maybe should steer clear as there is so much past knowledge needed here. Great effects, several wow moments, sad bits, laugh out loud bits and something for all ages and plenty for geeks and those that just want a great Friday popcorn night out to forget their working woes. On now to next year’s Han Solo origin story, but do not miss this one in the meantime.

    Rating – 87% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Daddy’s Home 2

    DADDY’S HOME 2 – The relatively unwanted sequel to the standard 2015 family comedy but STOP PRESS, shock horror this is really good – hell has just frozen over and pigs are landing at Heathrow & Gatwick.

    Nutshell – The modern family two fathers one mother is ramped up a notch by the arrival of the stars two hugely different dads in Mel Gibson and John Lithgow and obviously comic mayhem soon follows. Now what makes this so much better than the original is the decision to make it a full on Christmas movie. It is happy, funny, entertaining and hugely engaging only diminished by association with its average predecessor movie which may put of some. As a standalone this is great.

    Running Time – 100 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘More Daddies, More Problems’

    THEGAYUK Factor – The muscle hunk Marky Mark Wahlberg himself just oozes sex appeal and here he plays the hard real man to Ferrell’s weaker boy which is hot. Mel Gibson has the DILF thing down for sure and reeks of someone here who probably bats for both sides but best of all you get everyone’s favourite WWE wrestling sex god John Cena known in true horny fashion as The Marine.

    Cast – Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Mel Gibson, John Lithgow, John Cena’s ass, John Cena’s bulging packet, John Cena’s huge muscles, John Cena’s massive chest and some women actors too.

    Key Player – This is the boys’ film, Wahlberg is Exec Producer and Ferrell is the main Producer and they just do these movies for fun apparently which is infectious as that is what comes out of the screen. Everyone seems to be having a laugh rather than there for the paycheck Cumberbatch, Affleck or Hardy style.

    Budget – $69 Million way up on the first film and boy was that a good move with it making its costs back in two days and now sailing way over $100 million and off towards the top 250 grossing films of all time list at a rapid rate of knots.

    Best Bit – 1.02 mins; The destruction of a live model nativity scene and post-fight is a real hoot and great set-piece but this movie is much more about small jokes than big slapstick moments. Do people really dress up as nativity statues – that’s a new one on us.

    Worst Bit – 0.33 mins; A snowblower goes haywire and destroys a never-ending set of outdoor Christmas lights and then property and vehicles just like the motorbike in the original. Too slapstick and overlong and a bit childish here in a film where the kids are away getting pissed on eggnog and shooting guns.

    Little Secret – Mel Gibson plays Mark Wahlberg’s father. although he is only fifteen years older than him cue greying up Gibson’s hair and softening Marky Mark’s but who cares. Originally the two dad’s were going to be Chevy Chase and Robert De Niro which would have been about as successful as a Trump presidency or Prince Harry getting the stag-do he actually wants.

    Further Viewing – Daddy’s Home 1, All four of the Meet The Focker‘s canon, The Anchormans , Blades Of Glory, Elf and Mel Gibson’s previous comedic roles in The Lethal Weapons and What Women Want as he has great comedy timing – who knew Mad Max had a budding Robin Williams, Jim Carrey in him all along.

    Any Good – This won’t win any Awards in the next 3 months of the trophy season but it is just truly great fun and a very happy film with loads of great Christmas music and may even see Band Aid back in the charts for the 5th time. A massive step up from a film that originally just got lucky with a clever release date counterbalancing a Star Wars film two years back. It’s now a winning franchise to follow and one of the biggest and nicest surprises of the year as it should have been a shit cash in but instead, it delivers on every level and some.

    Rating – 74% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | The Justice League

    THE JUSTICE LEAGUE – The biggest superheroes in the DC Universe come together Avengers Assemble style as earth is under a massive alien threat yet again and the Marvel lads are all on their hols but can Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash & Cyborg be able to work together and are they in time…

    FILM REVIEW | The Justice League

    Spoiler alert the answer is No!

    Nutshell – After the death of Batman in the previous film, sacrificing himself saving humankind, Batman is inspired to recruit a reluctant team of superpowered latex clad buddies to deal with an unprecedented outer space threat. The Justice League is formed and after the destruction of Wonder Woman’s island paradise and Aquaman’s submerged home the global chase for three all-powerful MacGuffins is on, watch out for the big surprise guest appearance.

    Running Time – 120 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Justice For All – You Can’t Save The World Alone’

    THEGAYUK Factor – OMG it’s full of great looking guys in hot fetish gear. Led by the fittest guy ever from Game Of Thrones Jason Momoa who is a new gay icon – for us muscle lovers – as Aquaman and his outfit is stunning and boy does it show his ass off along before the many times he strips down to swim. We cannot wait for his stand-alone movie which will be two straight hours of pure Grade A handy shandy material. Add the bulging spandex crutches of Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Ezra Miller and Ciaran Hinds and you get one horny film with the bonus of the new queen of camp Gal Gadot and her ring of truth which only makes us think of Momoa’s ass once again.

    Cast – Affleck, Gadot, Momoa, Cavill lead the league but we also get Jeremy Irons, Diane Lane, Connie Nielsen, JK Simmons and Amy Adams playing the least sexy Lois Lane – ever – for your ticket price plus another huge star at the end of the final credits.

    Key Player – The saviour of the DC universe Wonder Woman holds all the attention here and always draws your eye line from the sleep-inducing Affleck’s Batman, he is about as entertaining as finding sand on your favourite dildo. She saved the Bat Vs Supe’s film with just 3 scenes, her own film is the second biggest moneymaker of the year and she is top dog in the League by far.

    We have no idea why we loved this film so much… oh so much…

    Budget – An absolutely massive $300 Million which is less than many countries earn in a year – its a cliché but most of it is on the screen with very big production scenes maybe more should have been spent on the script though, which brings a whole new meaning to the word formulaic.

    Best Bit – 0.21 mins; When Aquaman strips off for the first time showing his many tatt’s and boy does he take his time otherwise the battle and chase of Wonder Woman’s Amazonian tribe on horseback is by far the best action beat.

    Worst Bit – 0.19 mins and 0.34 mins and 0.48 mins…..; Basically every time the Flash comes on the screen, he is weak, his scenes are weak and he is less Premier League and more like Southern Conference League up against everyone else here and anyway Superman is faster so whats the point of him? He probably suffers from premature ejaculation too.

    Little Secret – Already there is a hugely successful big budget gay porn version out of this Justice League from Men.com where Batman rodders Superman, Cyborg gives a good going over on the The Flash, Wonder Woman is played by a drag queen and Aquaman humps every guy in the film repeatedly… sign me up. It is already controversial for adding other characters like The Green Lantern everyone’s least favourite superhero (Thanks, Ryan Reynolds) and also the only black character in either the Avengers or League teams is… oh dear – played by a white porn star – racism in gay porn so what’s new?

    Further Viewing – Really!!! With over 50 films featuring the superheroes above just go to Google and type in stretched spandex over bulging crutch movies and whilst you are there just search for Marvel or DC Comics and you will have two weeks worth of identical movies to watch with everyone saving the world each and every fucking time in just under two hours.

    Any Good – This is a very expensive perfectly adequate film, you will smile, laugh, get excited and be entertained throughout, the trouble is it is just so damn generic and we have seen it all so many times before. A magical object is hidden on earth that can now destroy us all and good guys/bad guys with whatever powers they need to survive 50 rounds of unrealistic fighting and nobody ever seems to get injured or hospitalised. It’s all about as realistic as a Donald Trump promise to protect LGBT+ rights. Do stay right to the end of the credits as the last secret scene is well worth the 10-minute screen scroll wait and it gives a huge clue as to where we are all going next as if six superheroes in one film weren’t enough?

    Rating – 62 out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Paddington 2

    PADDINGTON 2 – Your second favourite bear after that hairy muscled gay bloke you met in the darkroom at XXL or Brut is back for a sequel and this time he falls foul of the law and is eating porridge rather than marmalade sandwiches.

    Nutshell – The most polite Peruvian ursine returns and is in a battle with Hugh Grant’s baddie for a special book with a hidden treasure trail that Paddington needs as a very special family present. Things go amiss when he gets framed for theft and is sent to prison for 10 years which is a long time in bear years, can he escape, find the book & treasure and save the day in probably the happiest film of this and any year?

    Running Time – 103 minutes

    Certificate – PG

    Tagline – ‘Free Paddington’ and ‘It Takes A Bear To Catch a Thief’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – This is probably the most perfect family movie ever so nothing “gay” here… move along. This is the movie to take your Mum to or your little nephew but you will probably enjoy it the more than any of them. If you want gay smut just wait 7 days for the Justice League as there is hoards of it there.

    Cast – Hugh ‘Downton Abbey’ Bonneville, Julie ‘Acorn Antiques’ Walters, Hugh ‘Four Weddings’ Grant and every other major Brit you can think of such as Joanna Lumley, Brendon Gleeson, Jim Broadbent, Ben Miller, Michael Gambon etc etc plus Peter Dr Who’ Capaldi for good measure.

    Key Player – Ben Whishaw as the voice of Paddington is perfect you cannot imagine anyone else doing it now he has the friendliest tones imaginable and can make you care, laugh or cry with just a simple turn of phrase.

    Budget – $80 Million. The first film was a huge surprise hit making $250 Mil worldwide – this with pre-brand recognition will make a lot more as, whisper it quietly, this is an even better movie. The first film is the biggest money-making independent family film of all time expect that record to have gone well before Christmas here.

    Best Bit – 1.14 mins; There are three very sad and dark sequences here and the last one is a real doozy and it comes right after some great laughs and a huge action sequence and it will hit you like a sledgehammer – superb filmmaking, taking your hankies.

    Worst Bit – 1.27 mins; There are two sequences in the final credits the first one is a Hugh Grant song and dance number that is just screaming for a much hookier better song. The only hiccup in this whole enterprise – rare for a sequel indeed.

    Little Secret – The creator of the character and books Michael Bond was told that the sequel had been greenlit on his 90th birthday. He sadly died at 91 on the exact same day as the last day of shooting, he never saw the finished film but adored the first one and we know he would love this even more. He published the last ever Paddington book in April of this year… that is active in your old age.

    Further Viewing – Paddington 1 obviously, Mary Poppins, The Railway Children, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Labyrinth, Witches, any quality British family film of the last 50 years or any of the 10 great Muppet movies.

    Any Good – It is so rare for a sequel to be better than its predecessor as there are so many traps and issues with sequels. We rate this alongside the great step-ups like Aliens, Terminator 2, The Two Towers, Star Trek 4, Return Of The Jedi and Fast & Furious 5. Let’s make it simple, this is marvellous, perfect entertainment for everyone, very funny, great action and an instant classic… with fur on to be watched with a smile on your face for years to come. Be prepared to be taken back to your childhood in spades.

    Rating – 94% out of 100.