THEGAYUK

Tag: Film Review

All the latest film reviews for LGBT themed films and others.

  • FILM REVIEW | Nureyev

    FILM REVIEW | Nureyev

    ★★★★☆ | Nureyev

    The most famous ballet dancer of all time is spotlighted in the new film Nureyev.

    Rudolf Nureyev was born during the cold, dark days of communist Russia. His talent for dancing was spotted at a young age, and lucky for him, his country wanted to show him off to the rest of the world. While never really hiding his homosexuality, Rudolf was able to travel the world with his ballet troupe, and Nureyez just seemed to lap up the stardom, fame, and money that came along with this success.

    But as we all know, Nureyev didn’t want to be a part of the Russian state, he felt that he, after travelling all over with the ballet company, that he wanted to be free, freedom to him was essential, so while in Paris on a tour, he defected. Yes, he thought about this long and hard, and he knows that when he defects, he would never be able to go back to Russia to see his family, but his decision was final. And thus, he was free, a free man to enjoy a new life in the West, and did he enjoy it.

    Nureyev goes on to show what a life he led; the acclaim, the wealth, and his too close for comfort relationship with Margot Fonteyn, a married British ballet superstar. As the documentary goes to show us, Nureyev and Fonteyn were inseparable. They spent lots of time together, not just on stage but off stage as well. But life had other plans for Nureyev. He was in his early 20s when gay and bisexual men around the world started developing AIDS, and Nureyev, who would die from AIDS-related complications in 1992 (at the age of 54), more than likely picked up the HIV virus in the 80s.

    The documentary filmmakers show us the last days of this superstar, dying and frail, and looking much much older than what he was.

    Nureyev the documentary elegantly, and beautifully incorporates modern dance scenes to play out some of Rudolf’s life events. Ballet dancers, atop a stage in the middle of a forest, play out scenes and events that are being told in the documentary. This storytelling adds to the beauty and dignity of Nureyev’s life. However, Nureyev, the documentary doesn’t even go into detail about any of his gay relationships. Him and arts student Robert Tracy had a two-and-a-half-year love affair, which is not mentioned in the film. Tracy later became Nureyev’s secretary and live-in companion for over 14-years in a long-term open relationship until his death. And there’s no mention of any other lovers nor the hedonistic times he spent dancing at Studio 54.

    Perhaps this is for another documentary. Nureyev, while not completely telling the whole story, is nonetheless a beautiful film about a very talented man who died before his time was up.

    NUREYEV HITS CINEMAS NATIONWIDE | FROM 25 SEPTEMBER 2018 | TICKETS ON SALE NOW: WWW.NUREYEVTHEFILM.COM

  • FILM REVIEW | Reinventing Marvin

    ★★★★ | Reinventing Marvin

    Touching performances make this film about the troubled life of a young gay man In the new film ‘Reinventing Marvin’ a must see.

    Newcomer Finnegan Oldfield plays Marvin as a young man (while Jules Porier plays Marvin in his younger years). As a child, he lived a very dysfunctional, and depressing life. Marvin was bullied and beat up at school, constantly taunted for his soft mannerisms (and also for appearing to be gay), and even worse at home where he had a volatile stepfather, slept in a closet, and had a mother who was supportive yet unable to provide him with what he needed most.

    Reinventing Marvin cleverly uses flashbacks that takes the story from his childhood to him discovering a new life in Paris where he truly discovers who he is. He meets people just like himself there, befriends an older gay couple who provide him support that he never got. And finally, he is introduced to Isabelle Huppert (playing herself), who helps him to tell his life story on stage, which changes Marvin’s life, and perhaps will bring some sort of reconciliation with his family, and hopefully, finally, acceptance.

    Marvin reinvents himself, and it’s nice to see the transformation, and Director and writer Anne Fountaine (The Innocents), has crafted a beautifully told and acted story with great performances.

    Now playing at the cinemas and available to order.

  • FILM REVIEW | The Meg

    ★★★★☆ | The Meg

    Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

    THE MEG – Sex God Jason Statham takes on the biggest nastiest shark in cinema history in the ultimate muscular monster movie showdown an instant camp & cult classic & he’s never looked hotter.

    Nutshell – Firstly this is a thriller, not a horror and the ultimate progression of The Stath’s career-long mano et mano film genre he has made all his own. A deep sea mission unwittingly releases the biggest beast known to man but a very big fish indeed. Can our hero stop the modern day Jaws from killing his crew and then hitting the nearby popular South East Asian beach?  It’s a non-stop, well thought out water bound action with serious bite, you will feel tense throughout but not scared.

    Running Time – 113 Minutes – Cert 12A. That family-friendly certificate obviously takes a lot of blood and the gore out of the movie – this is not the new Jaws nor sets out to be.

    Tagline – ‘Before Chasing Sea Monsters, Check Your Place On The Food Chain’

    The Gay UK Factor – This is the one we have been waiting for all Summer, Jason Statham topless for two hours in swimming trunks or even less. Slipping on the tightest wetsuit ever seems to show every bulge and muscle ripple he has.  The original 1950’s Kinsey report & test of whether you were gay or not is now officially replaced by this movie. Is there a big shark in it? As we didn’t notice.

    Cast – Jason Statham and no-one else you have ever heard of (Unless you watch endless Resident Evils) but frankly that is all you need, the others are just fish food, except the little dog as we loved him but oh dear he has fallen in the water too so now what will happen?

    Key Player – This is a one-man show. The movie wouldn’t have been greenlit, made and got past its first studio meeting without the hunky star’s signature. The UK’s biggest movie star probably of the last decade just gets action movies made around him like no other actor and they always hit at the box office – Our island should be very proud of the guy who now has a record-breaking six movie franchises to his name. Tom Cruise has one.

    Budget – $130 Million and in one week it has made double that back in profit totally pissing all over the other one man band Summer blockbuster Dwayne Johnson’s Skyscraper. This is the last big hit of the summer and fans are fucking lapping it up big time… but may not want to go back in the water for a bit!

    Best Bit – 0.47 mins; The Stath has to get a GPS tracker attached to the giant killer fish which means he has to swim real close to it. Cue the best heart-stopping scene of the film before the crazy good mad as a box of frogs climax.

    Worst Bit – 0.05 mins; The opening prologue sets the scene some months before the main action and it’s OK but is nothing special. Film reviewers often use the term ‘Roller Coaster Ride’ and it has never fitted better here. Once you get over the initial warm up its non-stop excitement until you breathlessly hit the credits. One more rider please and Scream if you want to go faster!

    Little Secret – Spot the Jaws music used here in the underwater cage scene plus numerous references to all four Jaws films & The Abyss. This was originally meant for George Clooney then when it was offered to director Eli Roth (Hostel and Inglorious Bastards etc) who wanted to cast himself as the hero but as an actor, his biggest role was as Frowny The Clown in a horror film so a star with more box office whoomph was sought.

    Further Viewing – Jaws 1-4, Piranha, The Deep, Open Water, Croc, Lake Placid, Orca, Deep Blue Sea and The Stath’s greatest hits Transporter, Crank. The Expendables, Fast & Furious 8, Spy, The Italian Job, The Pink Panther & of course Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels.

    Any Good – You don’t need a review to know whether this is for you or not. If you like the actor or this type of monster film then this is a really great one. If you want some fun escapism then you will be very happy but if you thought I, Daniel Blake was the greatest movie of all time or worship at the feet of Dame Maggie Smith then move along.

    Rating – 70/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Mission Impossible: Fallout

    ★★★★☆ | Mission Impossible: Fallout

    MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: FALLOUT – The sixth high octane spy thriller of Impossible Missions
    Nutshell – The IMF based loosely on the 60’s TV show this time have to find some missing plutonium that they let slip through their fingers in Berlin at the start of the film. An old adversary wants to blow up the world again, so Tom Cruise jumps out of planes, crashes motorbikes, falls out of helicopters and fights everyone in sight on a global action odyssey. This time he has the man mountain Henry Cavill shadowing him all the way and also has some women problems and half decent twists.
    Running Time – 147 Minutes – Cert 12A. A very long movie that does fly by.
    Tagline – ‘Some Missions Are Not A Choice’
    THEGAYUK Factor – Tom Cruise is now 57-year-old and looks great for his age but the gay sex appeal is not what it was, but he does make great movies. Ving Rames, Simon Pegg and Alec Baldwin are never going to make it onto anyone’s wank bank list, but we do have one fantastic saving grace Mr Henry Cavill is stunningly hot, built like a brick shit house and looks like everyone’s dream fucking top.
    Cast – Tom Cruise, Simon Pegg, Alec Baldwin, Rebecca Ferguson, Ving Rames, Angela Bassett, Sean Harris, a very very hot Wes Bentley and the straight face of CNN, Wolf Blitzer as opposed to the silver fox himself Anderson Cooper.
    Key Player – Although this is Cruise’s show he is not really giving us anything new here. The director Christopher Mcquarrie is the first guy to be invited back for his second Mission as previously a new director was employed each time. This is not quite as good as his last film Rogue Nation and lacks that one signature stunt that we expect from this franchise but he is solid and holds it all together nicely.
    Budget – $178 Million but it has the lowest opening of any Mission to date and is struggling to get the right number of bums on seats which is strange as it has good reviews and decent word of mouth perhaps its the same old same old feeling or the Worldwide heatwave.
    Best Bit – 0.27 mins; A great well-filmed HALO (High Altitude Low Open) parachute jump which goes wrong is genuinely exciting but why they have to be so clandestine jumping out of a plane over Paris to avoid radar is anyone’s guess and a figment of the writer’s mind.
    Worst Bit – 1.48 mins; The over contrived endless double-crosses hit full speed, and logic goes out of the window with the twists and irrational happenings that make Harry Potter or Star Wars look realistic but never mind just enjoy the action which is very good indeed.
    Little Secret – These Missions are now largely all about Tom doing his own stunts, and it works because they do look real. Here he has four major ones; the HALO jump he spent a year training for, an extended helicopter action set piece where he did most of the flying, a Paris motorcycle chase without helmet including an against the traffic scene around the Arc de Triumph and that London-based foot chase where he busted his ankle and closed the movie down for months. Let the stunt guys do what they are good at fella maybe as the next Mission you will be in your sixties.
    Further Viewing – Missions 1 through 5, Anything with the words Jason and Bourne in, The Man From Uncle, Spy, Kingsman, the more recent James Bonds.
    Any Good – This is just a few points down on the last two Missions, and it is the longest, so there is a lot of story to wade through here. The action is as good as anything out this year and almost Fast & Furious level, and there are many positives especially the addition of Henry Cavill. You do get the feeling of deja vu though, fake interrogations again, a surprise mask wearer, The CIA infiltrated yet again, bosses being killed, and countdowns to explosions all so predictable why do bad guys have countdowns anyway they just exist so as the good guys can save the day with less than 10 seconds to spare. If you want to destroy the world why take your time?
    Rating – 72/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again

    MAMMA MIA: HERE WE GO AGAIN – The sequel and a much more accomplished movie to the 11th most successful film of all time. Everyone is back bringing you over 20 Abba songs and a much better story with added Cher class.

    Nutshell – A movie released exactly 10 years after the first film tells us what the characters are doing also a decade on with parallel flashbacks to the origin story of Meryl Streep’s Donna character in the 80s from the first time around. So we get mother and daughter’s stories filled out and then grandmother Cher rolls in but its all about the tunes and we get some huge production numbers right from the outset with a vastly increased budget and Richard Curtis added to the writing team.
    Running Time – 114 Minutes – Cert PG.
    Tagline – ‘Thankyou For The Music Again’
    The Gay UK Factor – Well we only have a couple of lines but this is as gay as Lady Gaga doing a Madonna medley at an Elton John used buttplug auction. It was the gays that took over Abba’s back catalogue about 8 years after they disbanded leading to the stage musical. We have kept them close to our glitter covered hearts since whilst Cher became queen of the gays straight after she climbed on board a battleship with 500 sailors in just her knickers belting out ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ with a 40-foot cannon between her legs. It helps that two of the young leads in this movie are hotter than Tom Daley’s popper collection also.
    Cast – Amanda Seyfried, Lily James, Meryl Streep, Cher, Dominic Cooper, Pierce Brosnan, Julie Walters, Andy Garcia, Colin Firth plus Benny & Bjorn from the greatest pop act of all time.
    Key Player – This is a love affair to Abba and with the same production team as before much credit also needs to go to the brains behind it all Julie Kramer, Phyllida Lloyd and Richard Curtis. That said there is no question that the breakout performance here is that of Lily James (Baby Driver, The Darkest Hour, Cinderella) playing the young Meryl character she is a great actor and lights up the screen and boy can that girl sing.
    Budget – $70 Million already made double that so, on to week two and the obvious second stage play.
    Best Bit – 1.12 mins; With a great life-affirming opening number ‘When I Kissed The Teacher’ and two great bits at the end one which will make you weep and the other that will make you sing at the top of your voice there is plenty of high points here. Yet when the opening blast of ‘Dancing Queen’ hits at a real key moment you will be flying as high as a bird on the wing. Pure joy in a bottle.
    Worst Bit – 0.18 mins; With any musical, you are going to get a couple of numbers which don’t work even the great Les Mis has that high pitched kiddie song. Here we get a rough as a dog’s ass version of ‘Kisses Of Fire’ but even that surpasses ‘Waterloo’ sung badly in a Napoleonthemedd restaurant sung by TV’s Hugh Skinner (ITV’s The Windsors & BBC’s W1A) and he makes Brosnan sound like Pavarotti on a good day here.
    Little Secret – How popular are musicals at the moment? The Greatest Showman soundtrack just had the longest run at number one of 27 weeks for 51 years since Julie Andrews was spinning around on an Austrian hilltop. Now it’s been knocked off the chart summit by this juggernaut. Through Chicago, Frozen, Les Mis, Beauty & The Beast, La La Land etc. we cannot get enough of musicals and there are many more in the pipeline.
    Further Viewing – Mamma Mia 1, Mermaids, Chicago, Phantom Of the Opera, Grease, Into The Woods, Evita, Dreamgirls, Summer Holiday, Blue Hawaii and the original beach musical classic South Pacific.
    Any Good – If you are a fan you will lap this up if not, then go see the boy’s own Mission Impossible or Dwayne Johnson films instead. This is really great, it is better than the original, partly due to the fact that it can break even further away from its stage origins and also because it can pick lesser known songs which fit better rather than having to be a greatest hits and forcing them into a story whether they like it or not and yes ‘Money, Money, Money’ & ‘Chiquitita’ we are looking at you. This just works, will make you feel joyous for a day or two after you have seen it and many times more when you buy the CD and DVD by the millions.
    This should have been a car crash in all honesty but it is full on Formula 1 massive success.
    88/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Skyscraper

    ★★★☆☆

    | SKYSCRAPER

    The world’s highest paid movie actor in history Dwayne Johnson in a Diehard type update in the world highest building makes sense right? Twice the height of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai to make Tom Cruise’s Mission Impossible building clinging exploits look like that of a pussy, nothing is small here.

    Nutshell – The big man is doing an insurance appraisal on ‘The Pearl’ a new mega-structure which is about to open. Cue a terrorist-induced fire halfway up the skyscraper, The Rock’s family trapped and in ever increasing jeopardy and a heist plot means the muscle mountain has to rip his shirt off and attempt one death-defying stunt after another to save the day or die trying.

    Running Time – 104 Minutes – Cert 12A and thereby we have the film’s biggest problem it is just too short and rushed – many kid’s cartoons are longer than this.

    Tagline – ‘Don’t Look Down’ & ‘The Sky Is The Limit’ – yes not a lot of thought has gone into this one.

    TheGayUK Factor – Dwayne is his usual hot as fuck self and then halfway through he gets a minor injury and the shirt comes off and the muscles and extensive tattoos come out and screw us, it is hot. The 6’4″ superstud has never looked better all those skinless chicken suppers and gym sweat is paying off but then it is back to the plot and the sweat just keeps coming at ya.

    Cast – Dwayne Johnson, Neve Campbell in her best role since her Scream franchise ended, Noah Taylor and Orange is the New Black’s ‘porntache man’ Pablo Schreiber.

    Key Player – Let’s not kid anyone this movie would not exist, be financed, reviewed, watched and enjoyed if it was not for Dwayne’s presence and him saying “yes” to it. The man could get a full-length movie about Theresa May’s sex life, a comedy starring Andy Murray, a gay version of Beaches or an epic entitled Brexit The Movie greenlit. He has single-handedly rescued four massive franchises with The Mummy, Fast & Furious, Journey 2 & GI Joe this is unlikely to be the next.

    Budget – $125 Million but will probably only make a minor profit which is disappointing following Johnson’s huge scoring 2017 with Fast & Furious 8, Moana and Jumanji but maybe forget Baywatch and this year’s earlier giant monkey movie Rampage. At least you have to give him the hardest working man in Hollywood title.

    Best Bit – 0.46 mins; Where the Mrs’ and kids are in the proverbial shit as a bridge across the park halfway up the tower collapses. It is a very well done tense scene we just need a lot more of this kind of peril across the other 90 minutes.

    Worst Bit – 0.21 mins; The villain here is just not evil enough and seems just off the shelf. His motive even less engaging and he also doesn’t have a decent sidekick with some super fighting skills or personal defect, so we get knock-off average goons we don’t care about.

    Little Secret – One of the lead collaborators on the movie is the Architect Adrian Smith who worked on the current tallest building the Burj Khalifa and is now working on the one to surpass it, the Jeddah Tower in Saudi Arabia. The fictional tower in the movie was moved to Hong Kong to take advantage of the now massive South-East Asian film market who love Dwayne’s movies. Dwayne Johnson was a hugely successful football star before a back injury made him switch to wrestling. He went back to wrestling after the Mummy Returns and Scorpion King movies as he thought he would not be a success as an actor. He is now the highest paid one of all time.

    Further Viewing – Diehard’s 1-4 which this movie would simply love to be & isn’t, Towering Inferno, San Andreas, Central Intelligence, Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, Gremlins 2, Entrapment or any Airport, Earthquake, Poseidon disaster flick of the 70’s.

    Any Good – This is a classic high single concept movie. The action is non stop but Dwayne does not get much of a chance to raise an eyebrow, crack a joke or do all the things we love from the guy. He is always engaging and tries hard but has little support and everything is so rushed resulting in the short running time. If there was only room for many of the scenes to breath and create more tension this would be so much better and raise it above standard 3-star territory which it could so easily have been. It is perfectly serviceable until Dwayne brings us Suicide Squad 2, San Andreas 2, Jumanji 3, Big Trouble In Little China and of course his much anticipated Fast & Furious spin-off with another of our great gay jerk off fantasies Jason Statham. The ultimate cockfight is coming in 2019.

    Rating: 49/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Fags In The Fast Lane

    FILM REVIEW | Fags In The Fast Lane

    ★★★★ | Fags In The Fast Lane

    Having headed into Dullsville to counteract a string of gay bashings, handsome hero, Sir Beauregard (aka The Cockslinger) and his trusty companion Reginald Lampoon III find themselves embroiled in a quest to retrieve The Golden Cock, a talisman which you rub to bring “good luck to the f***”, and which has been stolen by The Chompers, a grotesque Burlesque troupe of mutants, led by Wanda the Giantess. Heading off with homophobic hood, Squirt, in tow, and chased by Squirt’s equally homophobic sheriff father, Beau joins forces with a Persian cross-dressing princess and an Indian assassin on an increasingly bizarre road trip leading to Freaky Town with one goal in mind – to get his hands on the phallic wonder.

    Without fitting into any specific movie genre, Fags is a wonderfully distasteful yarn which couldn’t be much gayer if it tried. Knowingly revelling in its gaudy, kitsch, low budget glory, Fags harks back to the late 70’s/early 80’s sexpoltation parodies, in a massive mash-up of trashy, freaky, funny, and downright bizarre. From brothels to Bollywood, and from tiki-tiki huts to trashy townships, the road trip is littered with phallic references, drag queens, knob gags galore and plenty to laugh at. Throw in a handful of musical interludes, puppets, miniature models and practical special effects and you have a film which has its tongue planted so firmly in its cheek that it hurts; and one which you just have to sit back, and let yourself be taken along for the ride. Imagine the kind of film that you would end up with if the lovechild of Russ Myers and John Walters made a Barbarella / Xanadu crossover in the style of Flesh Gordon with added (gay) sexploitation and you are pretty much there.

    But aside from that, Fags also takes clichés and stereotypes and successfully subverts them, by not only reclaiming them, but by celebrating them. It’s not afraid to thrust its camp glory in the faces of the viewers and does so with aplomb; whilst somewhere buried deep in the garishness of it all is a bold statement about being yourself.

    Nestling neatly between parody and homage, Fags in the Fast Lane is brimming with giggly homoeroticism and is quickly heading for camp cult classic status.

    Fags in the Fast Lane is available on DVD , VOD or from iTunes.  You can  also view the trailer on YouTube

  • FILM REVIEW | Mario

    ★★★★ | Mario

    Two young footballers fall in love in the tender love story Mario.

    Cute, sexy and very lean Leon (Aaron Altaras) is drafted into the football club where he meets player Mario (Max Hubacher). Leon, with striking dark curly hair and eyes, is quite a contrast to Mario – blond and a bit baby-faced who has been brought up by a football-mad father. But when Leon and Mario are assigned to live together in the same apartment while they train, a natural attraction between them kicks in, literally. They end up sharing a bed, even though the apartment has two bedrooms. But Mario is very uncomfortable to have their relationship be known to anyone, especially to their fellow team members, some of whom are quite homophobic. But one day Leon and Mario are seen together in public by a fellow team member who blabs it to the rest of the team. This puts not only Mario and Leon’s relationship to the test, it also puts their football careers at risk as well. But they really are in love with each other, but will they stay together, and if so at what cost?

    Director Marcel Gisler does a very good job getting his actors to display their affection for each other while at the same time creating excitement and tension, both in the locker room and on the playing field. Altaras is a natural, and he and Hubacher excellently portray young men who are conflicted between their love for each other and their love for the game. Mario is a beautiful love story that will fill you with love and sadness, and the timing is just right for this film to come out – right before the World Cup Championships, meanwhile there is not one out player currently in the game.

    Mario is in UK cinemas on Friday.

  • FILM REVIEW | Ideal Home

    ★★★ | Ideal Home

    Not quite the best name for a film about a gay couple who get stuck with raising a boy, ‘Ideal Home’ has its moments but they’re far and few between.

    Paul Rudd and Steve Coogan (at his campiest best) play, respectively, Paul and Erasmus Brumble (what a name!), a gay couple who have been together long enough, perhaps too long, to be set in their argumentative ways. Brumble is a flamboyant TV chef and Paul is his producing partner, and they live in the stunningly beautiful town of Santa Fe, New Mexico. They run their empire from their adobe house that has views to die for of the landscape which includes turquoise sunsets and rolling luscious mountains. They seem to have it all, but yet there also seems to be something missing in their lives.

    Enter Bill (Jack Gore), Erasmus’s estranged grandson, who unexpectedly shows up at their front door after his father Beau (Jake McDonald) gets arrested. Will the arrival of Bill make their relationship stronger? Will Paul and Erasmus be able to continue to live their A-gay lifestyle? More importantly, will Bill put a dent in their lavish dinner party schedule and sexual trysts?

    Ideal Home is a standard run-of-the-mill gay rom-com with not much com. It’s boosted by the beautiful setting as well as Rudd’s believability as a gay man (with a macho beard and buff body) as well as Gore who is very good as the kid who has nowhere else to go. Coogan is way over the top – I don’t think I know any gay man who is like his character – but if you want a 90-minute film that’s a bit fun and not too preachy or over-reaching, then this film is for you. But damn does Santa Fe look like an amazing town, and if anything, this film is an excellent tourist ad for this town located in America’s beautiful Southwest

    Now open in the UK

  • FILM REVIEW | Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    ★★★★☆ | Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    FILM REVIEW | Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM – The fifth entry in the dinosaur theme park saga and the second since its hugely successful reboot where it became the 4th biggest earner in world cinema history so big claw prints to follow indeed. This time we get a movie in two distinct halves and endless breathless action throughout – We like very much. This movie certainly has a bite that Michael Crichton would be proud.

    Nutshell – When the volcano on Isla Nublar looks set to erupt and terminate all the dino’s forever a rescue mission is organised by our two former heroes but skulduggery is afoot and the big lizards have their own ideas too and when some get back to our world in the UK the prehistoric shit really hits the fan.

    Running Time – 128inutes – Cert 12A.

    Tagline – ‘The Park Is Gone’ & ‘Life Finds A Way’

    The Gay UK Factor – Two hours of Chris Pratt looking dirty, dishevelled and sweaty as hell like your fantasy local builder, scaffolder or gardener wank fodder this is very easy on your eye as the man just wreaks of masculinity with an incredible sense of humour. Pure husband material but he does not write back! Unlike most of his other films, there are no shirtless or naked ass shots (Passengers we are talking about you). There are a bevvy of musclebound thugs throughout which will help your Summer sap to rise – these villains seem to have a recruitment policy as if you are as fuckable as hell you can become my henchman, go figure.

    Cast – Chris (Future Husband) Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howerd, Jeff Goldblum, Toby Jones, Rafe Spall & James Cromwell but the stars are the dinosaurs as always.

    Key Player – J A Bayona is Spain’s top director and he hails from the horror world with the likes of films such as The Orphanage. He brings this experience heavily into this movie wherein the first half he gives us the standard huge non stop action big set-piece sequences this franchise demands including that volcano eruption but in the second half we get very fresh one location horror almost gothic type tight set of sequences based on the infamous claustrophobic ‘kitchen sequence’ from the original movie over two decades ago.

    Budget – $170 Million much cheaper than the previous one but it is a better film for that. Currently, it has hauled 7 times its budget so a great investment all round and it’s on to Jurassic Park/World 6 the climax of this trilogy.

    Best Bit – 0.36 mins; When the volcano erupts all hell breaks out in a wonderful elongated action sequence which starts suddenly underground and ends claustrophobically underwater probably the best since Spielberg was in charge.

    Worst Bit – 0.05 mins; The opening action sequence is fine but it has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. It seems added purely so as we have an action beat before we get 15 minutes of set-up. In the eighties, all action films like say, Lethal Weapon, had to have an action beat every 8 minutes regardless of plot we have a throwback here.

    Little Secret – This film has the most dinosaurs of the franchise and of any film in history so your little nephews and nieces will be happy. Of course, dinosaurs developed from birds so many here should have feathers and be much brighter and varied colours but we seem to find brown, grey and green lizards scarier so that’s what we get on the screen. Raptors should have wings but directors think that claws are scarier so again that’s what we get and dinosaurs cannot roar as they have birds voice boxes but we want our T Rex’s to sound like monsters so that what Hollywood gives us. Part 3 of this new trilogy is rumoured to be called Jurassic War with weaponized dinosaurs – surely not! We will find out in 2021. The post credit scene here was actually filmed in London Zoo so don’t rush off to the exit to soon.

    Further Viewing – JP 1-3 and JW from 3 years ago, Godzilla (any of them), King Kong 1,3 or 4 (never ever consider 2), BBC’s amazing Walking With Dinosaurs, Nightmare At The Museum, The Land That Time Forgot and any of the millions of Dino movies but stop short of Barney, The Land Before Time or One Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing.

    Any Good – Pure Summer multiplex entertainment at its best. More ideas than the last one that seems to be going somewhere and a clever structure. There are a couple of massive hints as to huge new directions later on in this film which should if handled correctly take this series off in fascinating new action-packed directions. Regardless this is not to be missed if you like straightforward Saturday night popcorn entertainment and there is nothing wrong with that as we don’t need Ken Loach, Kurosawa, Scorcese or Subtitled Slovakian war refugee movies all the time.

    Rating – 74/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Solo: A Star Wars Story

    SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY – The second standalone film loosely around the edges of the ongoing 8-movie main space saga. This time we get Han Solo’s origin story, how he met Chewbacca and got his hands on that famous spaceship.

    Nutshell – A young Han Solo is a street criminal who gets involved with a major heist which goes wrong leading into some dramatic twists and some even greater high adventure across many planets as he meets Lando Calrissian, Chewie, the Millennium Falcon & others in a boys own tale way before the rebellion and all we know in the Star War’s universe, so why is it the poorest yet?

    Running Time – 135inutes – Cert 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Never Tell Him The Odds’.

    The Gay UK Factor – The relatively unknown Alden Ehrenreich best known for a minor part in the Coen Brothers’ Hail Caeser takes over the Han Solo role made famous by Harrison Ford in an interpretation rather than an impression of the great man. He is a good looking lad in a sexy ‘Years & Years’ type bend over and suck chavvy way but he is much better to look at and fantasize over than watch as his acting is boring and he wrecks what should have been a great Indiana Jones in space type yarn, but he does look fit and fuckable throughout.

    Cast – Alden (Mr Wooden) Ehrenreich, Emilia (Game Of Thrones) Clarke, Danny Glover, Thandie Newton, Paul Bettany and that Natural Born Killer Woody Harrelson fresh off his superb third Oscar nom for the incredible Three Billboards.

    Key Player – Ron Howard formally of the Happy Days TV show is a great director especially with cerebral fodder like Apollo 13 & the Da Vinci Code series but he is not good at action as we see with the likes of Willow, Backdraft and InThe Heart Of the Sea. Therefore why he was picked for this and accepted we will never know. He tries his best but this was never going to be more than a three-star movie and worse, the writing and casting departments are even bigger fuck up merchants here.

    Budget – $300 Million which is a hefty price tag. It will be the first Star Wars in history to lose money in North America and this franchise does not travel as well as say the Fast & Furious/Transformers & Superhero films do. Therefore a disappointment all around and lessons need to be learnt.

    Best Bit – 0.43 mins; The first heist which is the much-telegraphed roller coaster type train sequence as seen on the posters and trailers works well. It’s exciting and you have no idea what is going to happen next – There is a world war 2 feel to it a bit but the Expendables did this sort of thing a lot better.

    Worst Bit – 1.46 mins; After the final big action sequence we get a prolonged confusing twist heavy epilogue over who has been screwing over who but frankly you won’t care. It is a real bugger’s muddle (whatever that is – probably one of our editor’s sex parties); there is one saving grace by the sudden unexpected appearance of an unadvertised much-loved character from the earlier films but soon you are back to the sodden screwy dialogue like the Handmaid’s Tail with dicks.

    Little Secret – We finally get to find out what Chewbacca’s age is – he is 190 yo which means he is 200 for a New Hope and then through all the other Star Wars films he ages to 234 yo in the Last Jedi so now we have an accurate timeline to the saga. Ron Howard was brought on to direct after the original duo of Lord and Miller had been dismissed for ‘Creative Differences’ i.e. the film was not working. It is estimated that Howard shot 80% of the final film but which scenes no-one is letting on, this film was problematic throughout like a straight guy giving his first blowjob.

    Further Viewing – Star Wars 1 through 9 obviously, Indiana Jones 1 to 4, Romancing The Stone, Von Ryan’s Express, Battlestar Galactica, Thor Ragnarok and anything heisty like say Ocean’s 11 or The Inside Man.

    Any Good – This is a three-star movie and there is nothing bad about it or particularly good either. The problem is that is just not good enough for a Star Wars film. It will be the least financially successful and the poorest reviewed of the saga and it will disappoint fans Worldwide. So what went wrong – to soon after the last one (just 5 months from The Last Jedi), poor casting, wrong director, confused ending probably tied by potential & now unwanted sequels and the existing story arcs of the characters in the original films and on top of that an appalling release schedule squashed between the superior Deadpool 2, Avengers Infinity War and Jurassic World hits. A flop all around that could have been avoided like trying to give your partner the shag of his life after 8 pints….points for effort but overall unsatisfactory and your glad when the floppy thing has run its course.

    43/100