This week a reader reached out to ask our opinion on he should do, following falling in love, not lust with a woman.
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Dear TGUK
I identify myself as a gay. In past seven months, I have made friends with a girl. She knows that I’m gay, but I think she has feelings for me.
As for my part, I find her romantic but not sexual. I am confused.
I haven’t had any conversation with her regarding that.
Not sure what to do? Any help would be gratefully received.
Daniel Browne, Chair and founder of Warwickshire Pride
I would continue with this new friendship you have and see what happens. Is an awkward conversation necessary at this point? If she knows you are gay, she’ll know that nothing is likely to happen.
From your perspective, if you have romantic feelings towards her but not sexual, that is ok. It is ok to be confused and to take time to work out exactly how you feel.
Maybe see how things develop with the friendship and where your feelings are after a bit more time spent with her. If nothing romantic or sexual develops, you may simply have a great friendship. Nothing beats that.
Jake Hook, Editor & Chief of THEGAYUK.com
This seems like you need to have a conversation with her. You could both definitely have an enjoyable non-sexual relationship which is like a life-long companionship, with each other if you’re both up for that. As long as you can be open about your sexual needs being met by people outside your relationship then why not go for it.
The only problems with this, however, is that there could be a likelihood where either you or she might fall in love with a sexual partner, but again if you keep the lines of communication open you can both work out boundaries and flesh out the “what if” scenarios.
No relationship need fit in a box, and you don’t need to justify yourself or judge your relationship by what society might consider “normal”.
It’s your life. If you’re both happy and open about your needs and wants, who does this hurt?
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You know that story of Aladdin? The one where he rubs his lamp and gets his wishes? Well, imagine your partner’s body is that lamp. A little bit of rubbing in the right places will have him granting your every desire.
Massage is a feel-good indulgence, and it has real health benefits. It’ll improve circulation by encouraging the flow of blood to your body’s tissues and get rid of metabolites such as lactic acids. By stimulating the lymph nodes, you can improve the immune system, but best of all it stimulates the endorphins. You know, the body’s natural feel-good chemical.
So get your hands busy on your man – don’t go straight for the genie (new penis euphemism) try and rub around elsewhere and you’ll have him granting at least three wishes.
Preparation.
Ask your gentleman to lie stomach down on the bed. Naked. Now, this is the tricky bit, because you’ll probably want to get right down to business, but hold out – it will be worth it.
Put some pillows under his stomach to support the lower back. You – the masseur, should wear some loose fitting cotton, full-length joggers or pyjamas. If you don’t, the massage will feel quite prickly once you start using oils.
Have the lights turned low, maybe some candles? Massage candles are incredible to use. After the fragrant candle is lit, its wax melts into a pleasantly warm massage oil. Just pour a little oil onto your partner for a pampering, indulging and nourishing massage. Available for £9.99 in two scents, A Trip To Athens and A Trip To Rome. Both smell absolutely divine.
Let’s begin…
Place a pillow under his head so he can rest his head on one side comfortably.
Feet. Gently rotate each foot in circular motions three times clockwise and anticlockwise. Cup your hands around the ankles and rub downwards towards the toes. Work your thumbs into the sole of each foot and the arch of the foot. Feet carry a lot of tension, especially if your man spends a lot of time on his feet. Gently pull each toe to help release any tension in the toes. Sometimes you may hear them click as they release, this is fine and normal. Listen to his reaction. You soon learn what he loves and what he’s less keen on.
Legs. Working upwards, warm some essential oil into the palm of your hands and work your palm upwards towards the heart. Use moderate strength. When you reach the calf area use your thumbs to massage into each of the calves. The calves are huge and strong muscles and may need extra attention. Keep the massage movement long and sweeping. The blood should really start pumping as you near the…
Buttocks. As tempted as you might be to stop off here and end the massage tour of his body, don’t! It will be all worth the while when you’re done. The butt is the biggest muscle in the body; you can apply much greater pressure here to help release any tension that he may have. If your man is feeling a little self-conscious, then always massage from the outside edge of the buttock to the middle – if you work the other way round you will open the cheeks of the buttocks and expose him, which may make him feel uncomfortable.
Back. Running your fingers up your partner’s back should have him squirming in pleasure. The back is a massive erogenous zone for many men – so he’ll enjoy a variety of different techniques here. Tracing his spine with your two thumbs run the entire length of the backbone, stretching out the top of the neck when you get there. The lower and middle back may be carrying a lot of stress, especially if he works in an office all day and sits for extended periods. Using some more oils and gauging your partner’s reactions start are the base of his back and work the muscly area either side of his spine. The shoulders may be tense so begin gently with your thumbs, progressively increasing the pressure to rub out those crunchy muscles.
Shoulders. Work your thumbs in circular motions; gently apply pressure and kneading the muscles. Be careful not to place both hands on the neck as this will feel like you’re about to strangle him.
Neck. It’s a susceptible area, so again be gentle. Gently stroke and work your thumbs and fingers into the sides of the neck. Work your way into the back of the head, and lightly knead the scalp.
With long sweeping motions run your hands doing his neck to his coccyx (tailbone just above his asshole.) Do this a few times. This should really get him purring. Run your fingers down his crack to his scrotum – he’ll most naturally open his legs wider for you to gain access. Run your fingers around the area to really get his passion lit.
Then let the passion commence. You can use the oils to have a slippery time together rubbing your bodies against each other – but it is best to rub away oils from the anus if you are going to penetrate. Essential and other massage oils will damage condoms and weaken condoms.
Always use a water-based lube with condoms. Never use essential oils as a lubricant for sex. You don’t want to end up in A&E.
Top tips to get ahead and save you from meeting a man like your granddad unless, of course, that is your thing.
Prove the picture is him
If he has a profile photo and you are meeting through an app, right-click the image and google it to make sure it is him.
Name check
If you have a forename and surname back to the search engine and check out social media accounts, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
Web trawl
Your research could mean you will be able to cross reference the image to make sure it is current. Find out about his hobbies. Read his posts and find out about likes and dislikes. Check out his family and friends.
Lookout online for Ex’s they will almost certainly have a story to tell or have poured it out all over their timeline and feeds. Follow the trail of crumbs.
Somewhere in all of this, you may find out about his sexual health and preferences.
There may be professional profiles enabling you to look at the work play contrast.
If you still want to meet him and you have not been put off by your research, now is the time to use the insight you have gleaned.
Chat with him before a date
Is the guy a big drinker? If so go for a meal unless you are thinking of loosening him up and getting into the sac.
For a meal, you may already know where he likes to eat or perhaps a favourite food. Coffee or Cognac? All this insider information could make you look intuitive and compatible. Just remember if he knows all there is about you too, it is time to smile at each other and reveal you are both members of Stalkers Anonymous!
“STOP THE BUS!” You will have a foot in the door and established a rapport with these cheats, but now it is time to interact.
First Date Advice
Best advice for a first date is listen and learn. You already know about yourself, so give the guy some time to tell you about him. Wait and see if he wants to learn about and ask about you.
If he loves puppies and brought you flowers (did I mention a small gift as an icebreaker) is attentive and smiles a lot, brushing aside questions about himself, he could be a keeper
Get Out Clause
Have an out option in case he is not for you and the thought of spending another minute with him is hell on earth. I usually have a text ready to send and a friend primed to call me if I am bored, frightened or falling into the whirly pits of despair with a guy on a first date.
Leave the house empty
Finally, before leaving the house, have a wank. There is nothing worse than being so eager for “an empty” that it blurs your senses.
I’ve been flirting with my ex’s brother for a few weeks via Grindr after my ex and I broke up about a month ago. I caught him cheating on me with some guys. We were together for 2 years and were about to move in with each other.
I’m heartbroken by it, but also infuriated and feel like he needs to be taught a lesson. I’ve been chatting with his brother who is also gay and he seems to be fairly up for a meet and muck about… He knows that we’ve split.
So I’m wondering if its okay to have a bit of fun?
In a word ‘No’. Not because its the right or wrong thing to do, but because your not thinking about what’s best for yourself. The saying goes ‘all’s fair in love and war’ and sleeping with your brothers ex would be just as fair as everything that has gone before. Actually you don’t want anymore to do with either of them. You need to accept your pain, release it through crying, getting drunk with friends and maybe a one night stand with a stranger – anyone but your ex and his brother – then to rebuild yourself over time.
If you want to deal with the consequences of this, then by all means go ahead, but the reasoning behind wanting to do it is at the very least petty, and at the most vindictive. You obviously aren’t interested in your ex’s brother, you just want to use it as revenge and that is not good. Your ex’s brother is also not the best person, for willing to meet up and “muck about” He’s probably being spiteful towards his brother. It’s not worth causing a rift in the family because you were hurt by your ex’s behavior. Avoid like the plague!
Am I getting tit for tat here? You’ve split up and now you’re trying to date his brother?
It sucks when a relationship ends and it seems that you were so close to setting up house but better you know now rather than later, so you’ve had a lucky escape. I get that this has really hurt you but there is something called Karma. What goes around comes around and all you need to do for that is let things work themselves out.
Dating his brother isn’t very cool. You would still be close to your ex or is that you want? Would you get back with him? Time to move forwards completely and seek out new men. Give yourself time. Get to know and love you because if you can’t love yourself how in the hell you going to love someone else!
I wish you well.
Dan Browne, Runs LGBT Support Charity In Warwickshire
I’m going to get straight to the point here. It sounds like your intentions for having sex with your ex-partner’s brother are completely inappropriate. Do you want to be that bitter person who takes revenge but probably ends up being more upset afterwards? You also need to consider how it may effect your ex-partner’s relationship with his brother. Your ex may have hurt you, but that doesn’t give you the right to be so destructive in your revenge. My advice to you is to stop chatting to your ex-partner’s brother, take some time out to get over the split, and then get yourself back out there to find someone new who preferably isn’t related to your ex. The alternative is letting bitterness consume you.
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David Christel has written a book about what it’s like to come out as gay, when you’re married to a woman and gives top tips on how to overcome fear, accept yourself and let people know about who you are.
Free-Photos / Pixabay
The book Married Men Coming Out! is about the evolution of personal identity when a man who has previously been identified as heterosexual and married finally comes to terms with his true sexuality and chooses to accept, with conviction, who he really is: a gay man.
This is a guidebook for those who realise that they’ve made an error by denying and suppressing their true identity and they can no longer live a double life. They need to be who and what they truly are: gay.
Here are 10 key tips for successfully manoeuvring through the coming out process and becoming the man you born to be.
Be brutally honest with yourself.
You’ve been hiding from your true self long enough, so playing games isn’t going to help you. If you truly want to be free, then face facts and face your challenges with heart, compassion, and truth.
Accept yourself for who you are.
Trying to get others to accept you for who and what you are is a bottomless pit. The only way past this is to be fully accepting of yourself. Your confidence will radiate outwardly and your sense of wellbeing will not be dependent on others.
Be honest with everyone.
“Honesty is the best policy,” but disclosure must be handled delicately. Put yourself in others’ shoes to understand how they might feel and react to your coming out. Very often, your announcement can cause a huge shift for others as they question their relationship and relationship dynamic with you, their personal values and beliefs, their history with you, and more.
Take some time before you jump into a relationship with another man.
You’re going through a major transition and re-identification process. The last thing you want to do is bring into a new relationship unresolved issues concerning your former marriage, as well as a lack of understanding about who you truly are and your beliefs and values.
Don’t let others manage your coming out process.
No one appreciates being outed and we all appreciate managing our own lives. For most men, the coming out process is a long one and has many issues connected with it. It requires timing, addressing issues when it feels right within oneself, and sensitivity to one’s environment and circumstances.
Communication is key.
The people you come out to are going to have questions, opinions, and judgments. The more clearly and authentically you communicate with others, the less complicated the process will be. Very importantly, others will truly begin to understand just who you are.
Don’t be a slave to fear.
The biggest fear with coming out is that of loss: loss of family, friends, neighbours, co-workers, status, job and career, lifestyle, inheritance, home, love, acceptance, inclusion. People will try to use your fear against you to satisfy their own beliefs, values, agendas, and fears. I think you can see the fallacy in that.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
You are not alone on your journey. There are so many resources available to you from support groups to therapists, community activities, and LGBTQ centers. Coming out means also coming out of your shell by connecting with those who are on similar journeys of self-discovery.
Be authentic, be YOU.
No one else can do you better than you. You are unique and you have gifts, so don’t try to be someone else or something you’re not. Let the truth of your being and inner light shine for all the world to see. The greatest gift you can give yourself and anyone else is the truest essence of your being.
Become a pioneer, model, and educator for the LGBTQ community and other married men desiring to come out.
“Be the change you want to see in the world.” You never know who will benefit from the sharing of your life experience. You may save a life by it. That’s how important each of us is in the world.
At heart, this book is about authenticity. The need for this book is paramount as we each seek to live authentically and in so doing, find some level of inner peace, self-acceptance, integrity, joy, and love. Without this, the world may not evolve to reflect these essential attributes for all of mankind.
To learn more about David Christel and Married Men Coming Out!, visit his website: www.TheEssentialWord.com
The Spice Girls were all over this with their friendship never ends shenanigans… but having friends in your life is key to a healthy life and can, according to AXA PPP Healthcare even protect you from the common cold.
They told us,
Most of us, when asked to think of all the benefits of having friends, will come up with things like companionship, good laughs, support, conversation, sharing meals together and so on. But there’s one big perk that is often overlooked and worth considering: friends will increase your chances of living a longer and healthier life.
It starts with the heart. It’s probably no accident that it is often referred to as more than a muscle pumping blood and as a source of love, friendship and soul. Research shows that social isolation or a lack of friends puts you at higher risk of cardiovascular disease, and will cut your life expectancy.
Friendship is a protective barrier against minor illnesses too, including the common cold.
Four tactics to make your friendships strong.
Make friendship a priority. With our hectic lives it’s all too easy for ‘friend time’ to be squeezed out and pushed down your priority list. Don’t let it happen. Schedule time for friends in your diary just as you would a dental appointment or a date. Make the time sacred and don’t cancel unless there is a true emergency. If your friends are many and the time slots in your diary few, think about bringing some friends together!
Brush up on your listening skills. There’s no greater gift you can give a friend than your undivided attention, lots of eye contact, and the time and space for them to talk about what’s on their mind, knowing you are going to support and not judge them.
Friendships, like any relationship, can become stale if you’re not paying attention. Inject fresh life into them by doing something different and surprising. Change the place and frequency of meeting. Arrive with a bunch of flowers if you don’t normally, and do things on the spur of the moment!
Shy at parties? Worried about how you’re coming across? It may be time to place your ego to the side and exercise your ‘curiosity muscle’, simply by taking a genuine interest in others. All the research shows that it is the art of being genuinely curious and attentive that makes someone come off as a brilliant conversationalist, rather than having lots of clever things to say!
Doctor Dannii Cohen answers reader’s questions. This week Dannii answers a question on whether a bisexual partner is twice as likely to cheat on you and leave?
Being bisexual does not mean twice as likely to cheat. A bisexual person falls in love the same way as anyone does. The only thing that is “different” is that they can fall in love with both genders.
If you feel your partner may be cheating on you, do not raid their computer, mobile or whatever.
A lot or relationships suffered not because of cheating but because the partner who is being spied upon feels hurt by the other’s secret snooping. Oddly the best thing to do is ask.
Dr Dannii says that communication is the key. If you think your partner is cheating, whether they are gay or bisexual, you should start with asking them outright.
Communication is the most important thing in a relationship.
This does not mean that the partner will automatically blurt out the truth the first time around: but knowing the conversation is open they will feel more ready to talk and admit to problems.
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Rain, biscuits and old books have emerged among a list of weird and wonderful scents which get us in the mood for love.
Researchers who polled 2,000 UK adults also found fragrances such as bonfires, baked bread and Sunday roasts evoke romantic tendencies.
More traditional aphrodisiac aromas such as flowers, perfume aftershave featured high on the list too as did Autumnal aromas such as mulled wine, gingerbread and log fires
Commissioned by Yankee Candle®, the research found 42 percent of us associate our favourite fragrances with romance.
Dr Lynda Shaw, cognitive neuroscientist and psychologist, said: “When we inhale a scent it reaches the olfactory receptor cells at the top of our nose and then travels to the limbic system in our brains, resulting in chemical and physical stimulation.
“The limbic system is associated with memory, emotion and mood which therefore explains why our sense of scent plays such a powerful role in physical attraction.”
Other romantic scents to make the list include fresh linen, vanilla and coffee, along with chocolate, cherry and whisky.
Cinnamon, mixed spices and saffron feature too.
The research also found over three-quarters of UK adults consider smell to be important in a partner.
Amid this, three in ten single Brits said not liking a date’s perfume or aftershave would be a major turn-off and ten percent admitted this would also end any chances of a second date.
Thirty-five percent of women said they find deep, woody fragrances most appealing on a partner and quarter a quarter find ‘fresh’ scents the most attractive.
While 24 percent of men like ‘fresh’ scents too and 13 percent prefer sweet scents such as vanilla.
Amid this 29 percent of the population said autumn makes them feel more romantic than they do during the rest of the year.
While almost a fifth of single guys are more likely to use a dating app to find a partner during the colder months.
Log fires and bonfire both feature highly on the list of turn on fragrances for people in the UK.
The research also found the perfect autumnal romantic night in would feature a roaring fire, a home-cooked meal, movie – and a bottle of wine.
While our favourite things about the pre-winter months include cuddling up on the sofa, long walks and the changing colour of the leaves.
Snuggly in the autumn
Having the heating on, watching movies at home and home cooking are also some of our most cherished things as the nights draw in.
Hannah Jenkins, Brand Activation and Channel Marketing Director EMEA Yankee Candle®, said: “Whether it’s the warm and vibrant colours of the leaves or the fruity and earthy scents of the forest, there is certainly something about the autumn season that is magically romantic.
“It is this feeling of love and contentment that Yankee Candle aims to capture in its new Fall in Love collection.
“For those looking for love, or hoping to reignite a sense of romance in their relationship, snuggling up on the sofa with a warm cashmere blanket and an ambient scented candle can help to soothe and seduce the senses and allow love to blossom as the colder weather sets in.”
Shopping could be more stimulating than SEX, according to a pioneering neuroscience study.
Scientists have today unveiled the physiological effects of shopping on the human brain, revealing how “inspired shopping” can deliver moments of prolonged highs in the brain comparable to sexual intercourse.
Experts isolated the secrets to better browsing by analysing Gamma brainwaves which are scientifically linked with higher mind-states of creativity and extreme pleasure.
Partnering with mind-tech experts, MyndPlay, the data unveiled some astounding insights about how Brits can put the inspiration, satisfaction and pleasure back into shopping.
According to the data 84 percent of Inspired Shoppers experienced a ‘buyers high’ at check-out, comparable to a Formula 1 driver finishing a circuit – and twice that of their “Shop-y-cat” counterparts – who just buy things to “fit in”.
Shop-y-cat Shoppers, on the other hand, felt exhausted, with an accumulative 30 percent increase in mental fatigue every ten minutes while shopping.
The results also show Brits can train their brains to stay in the inspiration zone and shop better by staying present, still and calm.
Rob Hattrell, Vice President of eBay UK, said: “Shopping is personal. It’s a reflection of what makes you, you.
“eBay is encouraging Brits to reject the boring and beige, and to stop shopping like everybody else. Instead, we want shoppers to be bolder and express their individuality.
“This fascinating research gives great insight into the highs that can be achieved when you hit the zone of inspiration and shop like nobody else.”
What is a Shop-y-cat?
Self-confessed ‘Shop-y-cats’, which make up nearly half of the population, admit to often buying items for themselves simply to fit in and ‘keep up with the Joneses’.
Mostly men, these, shop-y-cats experienced a short-lived rush at check-out after making a purchase, observed behavioural psychologists.
More than four in five Shop-y-cats also felt the pressure to fit in whilst browsing increased mental fatigue by 30 percent every 10 minutes.
This is in sharp contrast with Inspired Shoppers who embrace a more intuitive approach, purchasing unique things they truly want, as an expression of their individuality.
Be an Inspired Shopper!
Brain monitors showed that 84 percent of Inspired Shoppers experience a prolonged mental high, nearly twice that of shop-y-cats and comparable to sex or aa Formula 1 driver finishing a race.
But it seems shoppers are out-of-practice when it comes to experiencing retail euphoria.
When asked to find a unique item, 89 percent of participants found it mentally laborious.
However, the study uncovers that getting into the inspiration zone and achieving optimum enjoyment, simply requires shoppers to maintain a mindstate of being present, still and calm.
What happens when you finally meet, fall in love and marry the love of your life and your family just won’t accept?
Dr Dannii Cohen reveals how you can make even the most stubborn of a homophobic family turn to acceptance.
Having the approval of your parents means a lot to (almost) every child.
So wanting them to approve of the other most important person in your life is natural. The story of parents not approving of their children’s partner (whether in straight or LGBT relationships) is as old as time and there truly is no quick fix solution.
Dr Dannii Cohen suggests that you include your partner in as much as possible, including putting your family into situations where they are forced to interact with your partner… but not too often.
Do not: feel you have to take sides, force your parents or stir arguments.
Do: Insist your partner needs to be included and stand up for him/her.
Find ways to try and get conversations going, take some cues and advice from this article: http://yourzengrowth.com/asking-giving-opinion/
For the rest, only time can heal this one. Human emotions cannot be forced.
Millions of Brits would happily celebrate a big windfall – by ditching their other half, a study has revealed.
Researchers who carried out a detailed study found more than one in four would leave their partner, with some blokes admitting as little as £100k would be enough for them to walk away.
One in 50 would even be willing to cut ties with their SO for less than £50,000.
It also emerged men would be more likely to be tempted to run back to an ex once they strike gold, while women would prefer to elope with someone superior to their current squeeze.
The Lottoland study explored the effects a big cash prize has on the morality of coupling Brits, ahead of this Friday’s £116 million EuroMillions Superdraw.
A Lottoland spokesman said, “Everyone has their price, and it’s something that most couples will have at least considered in jest – ‘What would it take to break us up?’
“In that sense our findings are quite reassuring.
“However, dealing with huge sums of money like this week’s EuroMillions jackpot, Brits will apparently be tempted by the dark side.”
Return to ex
Happiness with an ex? One in eight would return to an ex if they were to come into a windfall the study found. The research seemed to suggest that men thought that a cash injection would help the relationship second time around.
The study also found one in eight theoretical winners would consider returning to an ex-partner with their prize money. Their reasoning was that a huge wad of cash could help the relationship run more smoothly the second time around.
Rather than trading in their lover for loot, one in ten would use the money instead to improve their partner in some way.
Of those who said they would dedicate funds to bettering their beloved, 31 percent said they would pay for plastic surgery to make them more attractive.
Easier on the eye? A massive one-third would buy their SO a new wardbrobe if they were to come into a lot of cash…
And one-third would buy them a new wardrobe so they are ‘easier on the eye’.
One in four would shell out on a premium gym membership to buff up their betrothed.
And one in ten would check their spouse into counselling to tune up their personality.
One-third said they believed a large windfall would actually improve them as people, but one in eight felt a financial injection would ‘corrupt’ their partner.
The study also pinpointed the exact amount of money it would take for good-natured Brits to start turning to the dark side: £31.5 million.
However, when putting a price on true happiness, loved-up Brits came up with a lower figure to bring them contentment: £22.3 million.
Around one in ten would trade it all in for a £1 million wad.
