If you come across a guy’s profile and it says he’s into 420, it means that he’s into getting high with cannabis (weed, pot, grass). This is quite popular amongst some gay and bi men as it relaxes and heightens sensitivity throughout the whole experience. It can reduce stress, which is also great for those who have anxiety-related erectile dysfunction.
However, you have to pick the right weed if you’re planning to have sex. Sativa products, those products which are made from the Cannabis sativa plant are considered better by some because they can help lift your mood, heighten your sensitivity and intensify orgasm, however, some people have suggested that it can make your mind wander. Some users suggest Indica for “mind-blowing” sex.
Some cannabis strains or more powerful drugs like skunk will leave you too relaxed to get much done, or you may find it impossible to concentrate, climax or perform.
As with most drugs, cannabis and the various strains will affect different people in different ways.
Advice from TalkToFrank suggests, “…only take cannabis when you’re feeling happy and relaxed, in a safe environment, and with people you’re comfortable with”.
And again with the lube
(C) BIGSTOCK
Don’t forget to use lots of lube and if you’re looking for a way to relax during sex and don’t quite fancy the idea of smoking weed or taking an edible, why not try CDB lube. CBD is legal in the UK and could be a great way to relax.
Remember, depending on how you take cannabis, the effects can take a while to subside. Effects can last from 10 minutes to an hour if you smoke weed. Ingesting cannabis through an edible could take between two and four hours, according to TalkToFrank.
Don’t forget as with any sex and drug-taking to use lube and if you’re not sure about your partner’s sexual health status, use condoms. To stop the passing on HIV you might want to use PrEP as well.
Cannabis is still illegal in the UK and is classified as a Class B drug – which means it is illegal to have for yourself, give away or sell.
If you’re wanting to talk to someone about addiction or have an issue with your or your partner’s drug usage you can reach out to TalkToFrank for more information.
The gays often have a fantasy that fit straight guys are so horny all the time that they’d be more than happy to abandon their heterosexuality in exchange for a quick blowjob in the changing rooms between sets.
But has this actually happened to anyone? Seriously, we’re asking. If anyone has successfully sucked off a straight guy that was genuinely straight while at the gym you’ve got to get in touch and tell us about it, Dear Penthouse Forum-style.
What does the internet suggest?
CREDIT: curaphotography-bigstock
This article began when I “stumbled upon” an old post about how to pick up straight guys at the gym. In it, the author claims to have successfully stalked picked up plenty of straight guys, and if you follow his tried and tested method you could too.
This method involves the following steps:
Step #1: Find out the guy’s name – either by eavesdropping or looking at his membership details when he swipes into the gym (not creepy at all).
Step #2: Search the Internet and Social Media – once you have his name you can easily search the internet for info and images of him. A good ole fashion cyber-stalk.
Step #3: Get all muscled up and ask for a spot – a perfectly acceptable practice in the gym that is also the start of plenty of pornos. Be sure to “Dress somewhat sexy but keep it tamed down.”
Step #4: Say thanks and walk away for that day – you don’t want to seem desperate or crazy at all…
Step #5: Make sure you say hello next time you see him at the gym – this one I have no problem with.
Step #6: Repeat step 5 several times with a twist – Remember, your goal is a hook up with your fantasy gym guy, not some random hookup off a phone app. So take your time stalking this guy properly. Like a gentleman. Oh, and be sure he notices you checking him out casually. That’s really important. Straight guys love that.
Step #7: Make your move – This is when you ask him to “hang out” sometime, he’ll know what you mean. But god help you if he’s actually straight and he ends up inviting you to watch football with the boys. That’s creep-karma for ya.
What you’ll actually get
There is no reason you can’t be sociable and make friends at the gym. Granted in cities like London, people don’t really respond well to… well, people, but that won’t be true all the time and in all the gyms.
The best-case scenario is you’ll strike up a sociable conversation with a straight guy that could eventually become a friend, acquaintance, or workout buddy. Which would be great, even better than bathroom blowies in my opinion.
Don’t be a creep
Just don’t do it.
Hook up culture has made it SO easy to pick up guys, whether they’re gay, bi, curious, or some wonderful mixture of all three. So why not just open up Grindr in-between sets.
If he’s looking for a hookup the chances are he’ll be on there too. If not then you can get on with your workout without further distraction … other than when he walks past, bends over, flexes or flashes his abs in the mirror. You’re allowed to be a little creepy and perv over that, I mean guys have been doing that to girls for decades so it’s only fair.
This article was first published on our partner site, Gay Fitness UK
Are we all butt and package obsessed? Apparently not.
(C) BIGSTOCK
In a recent survey by THEGAYUK, we uncovered that gay and bisexual men are more likely to notice the eyes first of someone they were romantically or sexually interested in, rather than the butt or package.
Readers were asked to choose out of four body parts, the eyes, the chest, the penis or the butt, which they are most likely to notice first of someone they fancied.
Given the choice out of the eyes, the chest, the package or the butt, perhaps surprisingly most people chose the eyes, with 43 percent of admitting that it was the eyes that attracted them first.
Next, our eyes travelled southwards to the butt, with 23 per cent of guys claiming that an impressive ass would give cause for a second look. The chest area was next with 19 percent.
The chest came third in our poll, with just under 20 per cent of us admitting that we found that area appealing. (C) BIGSTOCK
Lastly, proving that we’re not all bulge obsessed, just 16 per cent of the people who answered the poll on Twitter said that the package was the part of the body they looked at first.
In my last article, I wrote about all the things you can do to look about as sexy as the mud-covered posterior of a Rhino (appreciating that other rhinos may find you/that attractive – each to their own). In this article, however, I’d like to share with you some techniques for how to be sexy on a first date, remembering that sexy is all in the mind so this isn’t just about how to make yourself ‘look sexy’ physically.
Wear something that compliments you
Free-Photos / Pixabay
If, like me, you watch Gok Wan and listen to his wise teachings as if he was Jesus Christ reborn (no… just me? OK…) then you’ll know that there are a number of things you can do to dress for you without completely changing your wardrobe and not be you anymore.
What we wear is often a reflection of our personality, so I am not saying that you should go out and buy totally new stuff just to impress a boy – far from it. But instead, wear things that make you feel comfortable and confident. For me personally, I avoid white tops at the moment because all they do is remind me that I’m carrying 2 children and it’s about time the little buggers came out as they have been brewing for almost 4 years now. Therefore I often wear black, with some sort of jacket/overshirt to reflect my body shape and emphasise what I want emphasising. Regardless of your fashion, if you go out in something that you are comfortable with and feel confident/OK in, then you are in a good position to charm/impress your date.
Put on those lucky pants
CREDIT: NYPhotoboy-bigstock
People say they don’t have lucky pants, but they do. Everyone does. We may not call them lucky pants, we may instead just call them pants that make us feel comfortable or a little bit sexy. For me, it’s a jock. I don’t wear one with the expectation that it will be seen, I’m a ‘top’ after all so all expectations are it’ll be wasted on the majority of people, but when I wear one I feel confident and remotely sexy (emphasis on the word remotely). And then the twins kick and I’m reminded that I’m carrying a male pregnancy. These twins are a wonder to modern science they really are. Also, I’m pretty sure the father owes me A LOT of child maintenance…
I digress. The point is to wear something only you know is there to help remind you that you are sexy, you can feel sexy, and that sexy feeling is more for your benefit than it is theirs. If it benefits them, all the better! Sometimes that sexy feeling is more about how you feel than what you appear to them.
You really do need to ensure good hygiene.
The only thing I’ll mention in terms of physical body appearance is hygiene. There are days when we just feel yucky and no matter what we do we cannot shift it. Having said that there are some basic levels of hygiene that we can all engage with to make a good impression. For example, after a long day, we can often smell a little. Either literally or because it’s been a heavy coffee day and the breath is a little lacking. Small things like a little aftershave or a chewing gum can easily correct it and don’t then play on your, or your dates, minds.
Anyone who says that hygiene isn’t important and people should accept you for who you are, warts n all, is a liar. As human beings, we all expect basic levels of hygiene (with some mitigating circumstances) so if you rock up smelling like a gym bag and have the breath of a 100 a day coffee drinking smoker then don’t be surprised if your date becomes distracted by it.
Do something that makes you feel confident before heading in.
Have you ever watched the Olympics or other sport and noticed that they often come onto the pitch or competition area and are wearing headphones? (Or are you just perving at the tight costumes they wear – I don’t blame you if so). They are listening to something called ‘an anchor’. An anchor is a piece of music (or anything else for that matter) then when they listen to it, it fills them with the desired feeling.
In my case, as I’m the author here so I’m going to make this all about me, I listen to a particular remix of Jessie J’s ‘Domino’. Before going on a night out, a date, a ‘hookup’, or whatever I stick that on and I am instantly taken to a memory of being confident “sexy and free”. Therefore if there is something that would remind you of such a feeling, use it. Confidence is one of the sexiest things around but also one of the most elusive things. We can often let our nerves get the better of us and that awkward nervous energy can start to remove what sexiness exists. As a little trick, therefore, give yourself a little confidence and create your own anchor to help you get it.
Have that one friend that will tell you the truth.
On most occasions when I am going on a date I don’t tell another living soul. It’s just easier that way as it’s fewer people to explain it to if it goes bad and fewer people poking their noses in on ‘how it went’ before it has even finished. Having said that, however, you should have that one friend you can tell and that one friend you ask their opinion on about what to wear etc. From a personal safety point of view, it’s a good idea anyway, but that friend can also say you look good (adds to the confidence) or recommend some changes to make you look even better (also adds to the confidence).
And if they are a particularly good friend they can even calm the nerves and offer a friendly slap round the face if the nerves get too much and you talk yourself out of going.
Above all, do try to enjoy your date. Regardless of everything else. Life is too short to over-analyse your dates and spend your night fretting. What will be, will be. Roll with it and just see what happens.
Writer Scott Sammons takes us through the basic don’ts (and he’s got four years of experience apparently) if you’re trying to be sexy on a first date… Buckle up.
CREDIT: mast3r-bigstock
For those of you that follow me on social media (@i_scotty in case you’re interested), you know that I am very much a single pringle currently (partly through my own choice) and have been on a number of dates over the last four years now (four years – wow, how time flies!). This means I’ve picked up a few things about how to not look sexy while on a date, plus a few other hints and tips. Namely, because I seem to have mastered the art of not looking sexy recently.
So fellow singletons (and people that just fancy a laugh) indulge me a little while I take you on some tales of woe on how not to look sexy on a date (followed by another blog post with tips on how to look sexy on a date).
There are some cardinal rules on what to do and not do on a date. For example, spending more than five minutes talking about your ex(s) (or talking about them at all) is as far from sexy as you can humanly get. However, it is an easy trap to fall in to. So our first entry for how to not look sexy on a date is to talk about taboo subjects like your ex/politics/the offside rule (but like I know what that is)/your rather itchy and sore piles.
This wasn’t me I hasten to add, but instead a lovely (albeit eager and inexperienced) young man I once dated. I say ‘dated’, it was one date and this was just one of a number of errors on his part.
Some of them not his fault I might add, with experience we just learn these things.
The evening started well enough, a civilised drink in a small pub near where we both live. The conversation went through the usual small talk before, as you do when conversation flows, you start to get on to the more interesting subjects. However, this young man made a bit of jump from one subject (I can’t remember what so we shall say it was food) to the subject of how his ex used to fret and control what he ate on a daily basis. Now I have nothing but sympathy for the guy as it sounded like a taxing relationship but at the same time, he spent a good hour on the subject despite my best efforts to move the conversation on. I’m not saying it’s never to be discussed, but that’s a conversation for a later date, not date number one. So while you should bring up exes on dates at some point, date one is far from sexy! For all sorts of reasons, the ex-factor is never sexy…
Run to your date because you’re late (and don’t pack an umbrella)
The last time I went speed dating I took a friend with me as he needed cheering up and, as I’ve told him many times, he needed to get out of his own head and just meet people other than those on Grindr. If you’ve not been speeding dating, I highly recommend. A great experience, and even if you find no one you get to meet people and realise you’re not the only one out there thinking that all men must die… sorry, I meant all men are perfectible datable. Silly me!
This particular event was occurring in London in the evening in a bar somewhere outside Kings Cross. I had been working all day, it was raining and I had to use the sauna known as the Central line in order to get across town. As you can imagine, therefore, I turned up to the said event looking a little bit like a drowned harassed rat that, I suspect, also smelt a little bit as it had been a very long day and I had to run because I was late.
I appreciate that some men enjoy the ‘manly musk’, and indeed so do I from time to time, but at a speed dating event, it is not the best place to release the locker room level smell. I was, for want of a better word, a real catch…
To my surprise, I didn’t really get any matches or follow-ups. Not because of my stunning good looks or personality (pfft) but because I looked like someone that had been drowned, whipped, sat on by 100 rugby players after a match and probably smelt like the arse end of a gym bag. Or rather, that’s what I chose to believe otherwise I really am ugly and have an awful personality (don’t laugh, I can hear you from here!).
Talk about politics and tell me the wonders of why you are right and I’m wrong.
This point is a little political, but it isn’t meant to be per se. Politics is just not sexy to most people so it’s always a risky area to venture in to. If you know me you know that I am a firm advocate of debate, however, there is a limit to this and a long lecture on what you are right and I am wrong is not something that I would consider sexy (or decent behaviour) by any man’s standards.
This particular date started off well enough (as they all do). I knew that he did have certain ‘leanings’ but I personally don’t think that in of itself is a turn-off. But as the evening went on the conversation kept coming back to his points of view time and time again. One particular view, that of our Transexual brothers and sisters, was particularly interesting. We started talking about the issues they face and the lack of support from the community and he went into a bit of a party political broadcast on why it was all nonsense. As you can imagine by this point, my goal was no longer to find a soul mate but now more to shut down the close-minded gentleman and finish my drink. (I did write another name for him there but I decided to remove it because I’m not a child – but I am thinking it!!). Everyone has different views on all things, and I certainly don’t believe partners should agree on all things (as that’s just boring – personally I find a good debating partner a massive turn on). But when you start ramming your views down your date’s neck shortly after meeting then there is, to be blunt, something seriously unsexy about you.
Some people may like that, but most of the people I speak to don’t. I’m not entirely sure where I found this one, must have been Grindr as I passed the local conservative club (now that was political…!!).
Eat that really messy food and share it with half your face.
I like sticky messy food as much as the next man, this may also explain why I’ll never be a clothing model. But on the first few dates maybe having the large rack of ribs, or the spaghetti bolognese, lobster or other hands-on messy foods isn’t a good idea. Get to know the other person first, then maybe on date 3 or 4 you can both be messy and have a laugh about it.
This ‘sin’ was very much done by me as I really fancied spaghetti, forgetting completely that my method of eating spaghetti resembled that of a cat trying to eat spaghetti. I tried and I tried to be civilised about it, using the spoon and the fork to wrap or cut up the spaghetti but the harder I tried to not come across a grown adult that can’t handle is spaghetti the more I just dug a hole for myself.
Luckily the guy I was on a date with was fairly humorous about it and I became the butt of a joke or two (adds to the charm of the evening I find) but ultimately I didn’t get a second date and food mishaps can backfire quite spectacularly. Messy food equals a messy date – avoid avoid avoid!
Call me old fashioned, but on a date I want to feel a little bit wooed, charmed and something that resembles a smile on your face as you leave. I don’t want to be left waiting, go hungry because you ate before coming (even though we are meeting for dinner) and spend 20 minutes waiting for you on my own at the table because you’ve gone off to the bar to get drinks and spend 15 minutes flirting with the barman.
Yes, boys and girls, I can safely say that this particular date made even the great Cilla Black turn in her grave as a golden example of how to not look even remotely sexy in the eyes of your date.
We did eventually eat and there was eventually a sense of ‘charm’ in the air but by this point, it was a case of too little, too late. There are a few things in there that wouldn’t make you even remotely sexy in someone’s eyes – being rude, being late and being about as charming as a dinner with Katie Hopkins.
Respect, in my book at least, is one of the sexiest qualities in a man. Debate me, respect me and charm me and I’m yours (and people say I’m picky…).
I’m not going to go into other physical things to do or not to do with regards to looking sexy on a date because everyone finds what is sexy so wildly different. I, personally, think to turn up for a date looking like a fashion disaster hit Popeye the sailor man to be ‘unsexy’. But to others, you could be sex on legs in your badly fitted, camp as tits, slightly over-worn Popeye outfit. Each to their own and who I am to rob someone of that.
But what I will say is that we all have our dates where we come across as miles away from sexy. And that’s fine, we live and we learn, and ultimately we have a laugh. I now have hundreds of stories to share with my Pussy over a glass of wine (or to bore you all with) as a dull date where nothing happens is about as fun as an episode of Antiques Roadshow.
So with that I say keep an eye out for the next article on how to look sexy on a date, some tips from a thirty-something serial dater that has tried and tested many a method to share with you (and yet is still single… not really sure how I ended up with this as an article idea).
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Cor! I’m taking you back fifteen years to the New Year’s Eve of 2003. A time when I’d just turned 20 and I’d been dumped by the, then, love of my life. I thought we were going to be together forever. Oh, the naivety of youth.
I was still customer service manager for Budgens Supermarket back in those days. Good old Budgens. You rarely see them around on the high street these days.
A few weeks before my boyfriend had dumped me, I’d bought him a brand new mobile phone worth £150! Now, that was a lot of money back in those days. God, I’m starting to sound like me Nan. God rest her soul.
I can remember the moment of my realization as vividly as if it were yesterday. He still had his bloody mitts on the £150 phone. I was having none of it. There was no way he was keeping it. So I marched down to the hairdressers where he worked. It was two doors down from Budgens.
As I barged my way through the doors, I was greeted by a salon full of ladies having their blow drys, all getting ready to look glamorous to celebrate the New Year. But I didn’t care. I was still heartbroken and acting irrationally. Only five minutes before, I’d been in tears down the fruit and veg aisle as ‘All I want for Christmas’ played over the tannoy.
I bellowed to make myself heard over the hair dryers and as I did, I saw the salon manager making her way towards me.
“I WANT THE PHONE BACK!” I barked as I held my hand out. You could see the client’s eyes all lighting up as the hairdresser’s scorned ex made a scene. It was giving them all a juicy bit of gossip that they could share over a glass of champagne that evening.
“Mark! This is not the time or the place!”
“Just hand over the phone and I’ll leave!”
Back in the safety of my office, I had itchy fingers as I clutched the phone. I was battling with my conscience. Should I read his messages or not? The devil on my shoulder won the battle.
As I clicked open on the inbox, my eyebrows raised. Yes, I can promise you they did. It was the days before I started having botox. And my jaw dropped to the desk.
I witnessed many explicit messages between my ex and another man. All dating back to when we were still together! Part of me wished I’d never looked and the other part of me was glad I had. Although they do say ignorance is bliss.
I slammed the phone down on the desk as steam erupted from my ears. I looked up at the clock. 6pm. The salon would be closing. I decided I had to have it out with my ex. How dare he be sexting and seeing another man when we were still together. Bastard. I was so angry, I could have crushed a grape.
I peeped my head out of Budgens’ front door and I could see the salon was already in darkness. I knew he’d be waiting at the bus stop. I simply had to have it out with him. There was no way I was going into 2004 without dealing with this.
“JANE!” I screamed as I saw her filling up the shelves with Hovis loaves. She jumped to attention. Jane, bless her, and for her sins, was one of my best friends from my Budgens’ days. There was an incident once where she threw some Hovis loaves at me during an argument we were having. But I’ll save that story for another day.
“Please drive me to the bus stop!” I pleaded with her. She grabbed her car keys and we made a swift exit out of the supermarket doors. She screeched to a halt at the bus stop and I saw my ex gulp as I slammed the door shut and walk towards him.
In the meantime, Jane could sense I was about to start a cat-fight so she jumped out of the car as quickly as she could. But in her haste, her foot got caught in her seat belt and she went face first into the gutter.
As she scrambled back onto her feet, I had my hand raised ready to make my first move on my cheating ex. I slapped his face, a la Pat Butcher and Peggy Mitchell style. I took a deep breath and I started to make my way back towards the car. In my mind, a slap had bought the matter to a close.
But clearly my ex had different ideas, and before I knew it, I felt a foot up my backside and I went down to the pavement like a sack of shit. Onto my knees I fell as he kicked me up the derriere.
Too many years of watching Dynasty had prepared me for my next move in the inevitable cat-fight that was about to ensue.
I leapt from my knees like a pouncing tiger and jumped onto his back. We both hit the pavement like a sack of spuds and started to roll around, limp wrists clawing at each other, with no decorum whatsoever.
As we took it in turns to be on top (a first time for everything as he was always very selfish when it came to that normally), I saw out the corner of my eye that quite a crowd was beginning to gather around us.
“Look at Krystle and Alexis!” I heard a bystander call out. Being such a Dynasty fan, I oozed with pride. And hoped I was Alexis. Well, I prayed actually.
When Jane could see that there was going to be no outright winner of the cat-fight, she dragged us apart screaming.
“ENOUGH!” For anyone who doesn’t know Jane, let me tell you, she’s rather scary. She would be very good in the cast of Wentworth Prison. So me and the ex jumped to attention and got back onto our feet rather quickly.
Doing her best headmistress impression, Jane had a good grip on my arm. I assume it was to make sure I didn’t make a break for it and dish out another slap. She opened the car door and practically threw me into the passenger seat.
I couldn’t bear not to have the last word so as Jane started the engine, I wound down my window and stuck my head out into the cold winter air.
“HAPPY NEW YEAR!” I bellowed towards my ex. Jane sped off quicker than her usual speed.
First date? New business meeting? You only have 27 seconds to make a good first impression, according to new research.
CREDIT: mast3r-bigstock
A study among 2,000 Americans examining the art of first impressions found that seven in ten of us (69 percent) form a first impression of somebody before they even speak.
The research investigated the key contributors and timings to a positive first impression and found that smiling, being polite, smelling nice, being a good listener, and making eye contact number among the leading factors.
The new survey by Dollar Shave Club was conducted to mark the launch of their cologne collection, Blueprint.
Results confirmed the importance of smelling good when seeking to form a positive first impression- as 85 percent of respondents said their first impression of somebody will be more positive if they smell good.
And that goes double when you’re on a date. Things move a bit quicker in the dating world, as six in ten (60 percent) admit they take even less time than normal to form a first impression in a dating context.
You better impress early, too, as the average person knows within 15 minutes into a date whether they want a second date or not, with half (50 percent) saying it takes even less time than that.
Quite a bit of prep goes into a first date, it turns out, and it may actually involve Google. If you’ve got a first date lined up, you better hope your online presence is squeaky clean, as two in three Americans say it’s a good idea to search your date online before meeting up.
Getting ready for a date was also found to take the average person 29 minutes, with one of the most crucial predate steps revealed to be picking out a scent. According to the study, over two in three questioned (68 percent) put a lot of thought into how they smell before a date.
“We know that a scent speaks volumes, and cologne is the last thing you apply before walking out the door. That’s why we created Blueprint, a range of six amazing colognes that are perfect for every occasion. Our award-winning fragrance team has created a thoughtful selection of colognes you won’t find anywhere else. Whatever your plans, we have a Blueprint,” said Nick Virginio, Senior Brand Development Manager.
All that preparation can make a real difference to a person’s confidence with nearly every respondent (89 percent) saying they feel more confident when they look and smell good.
And confidence can go a long way when it comes to dating, as 83 percent of us say they’re more likely to form a good first impression of somebody they perceive as confident.
But smelling bad, acting arrogantly and dressing poorly were found to be the top reasons people will form a bad first impression of somebody.
And if you fail to impress early on a date, then it probably won’t last for long. If a date is going poorly the average American will call it quits after just 16 minutes.
Four in ten of those surveyed (40 percent) admit to having a friend call and fake an emergency to get them out of a miserable date, while 39 percent say they’ve told a date they have to work early in order to cut ties with a bad match.
TOP 10 CONTRIBUTORS TO FORMING GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION
1. Smile (53%)
2. Polite (53%)
3. Well spoken (49%)
4. Eye contact (49%)
5. Good listener (48%)
6. Smells nice (46%)
7. Holds conversation well (46%)
8. Body language (44%
9. Tone of voice (44%)
10. Well dressed (42%)
TOP 3 CONTRIBUTORS TO FORMING A BAD FIRST IMPRESSION
1. Smells bad (66%)
2. Arrogant (62%)
3. Dresses poorly (49%)
FIRST DATE TIMELINE
29 minutes to get ready
27 seconds until first impression is made
15 minutes until you know if you want a second date
16 minutes is the earliest the average person has left a bad date
17 minutes until you know if you want a kiss at the end
20 minutes until you know if you want to go home with your date
TOP 5 BAD DATE TURN OFFS
1. Bad manners (64%)
2. Poor hygiene (59%)
3. On the phone too much (53%)
4. Talking about an ex (53%)
5. Bragging (52%)
10 OF THE FUNNIEST LIES AMERICANS HAVE COME UP WITH TO LEAVE A BAD DATE
● “My dog sitter has to be home at a certain time.”
● “I have a boyfriend.”
● “I have poison oak all over the lower half of my body and have to go put ointment on.”
● “I have to help someone whose car broke down.”
● “I once told my date that I have a dog that is sick. I didn’t own a dog at that time.”
● “Left a candle lit at home.”
● “My neighbour’s pet needs me.”
● “Said I was about to throw up cause of something I ate before.”
● “That my sister was going into labour! I don’t even have a sister!”
New dating terms are happening all the time and apparently, it’s “cuffing season” but what does it mean?
(C) BIGSTOCK
Seventy Thirty‘s team looked at today’s dating terms and let us know what cuffing is and who’s doing it.
Cuffing season; refers to the winter months, when people who are usually happily single start to seek a committed relationship.
With the days getting shorter and the nights longer, the temperature dropping and the trees becoming bare, it’s the perfect time for cosy nights in with your loved one, building a relationship. It is the optimal time of year for past partners to creep up on you, too.
Be on the look out for your single exes!
rawpixel / Pixabay Will you on be on your ex’s booty call list?
If an ex-partner is single, they might try to come back you to spend these cosy nights in with you.
Clinical psychologist Seth Meyers explains that “our energy levels are lower during the colder weather and we are moodier’” so we have less motivation to organise interesting dates.
This, coupled with poor winter weather, means we have fewer places to go and things to do. This makes us seek out an easier option, such as a past partner.
JAMIE. Cor, that name takes me back. I can’t quite remember when he was in my life. Let me just ponder for a moment. I’ve got a feeling it was back in 2015.
That was back in a time when I had quite an addiction to Grindr. At one point, I thought I was going to need therapy to wean myself off the app. I’ve since deleted it as Grindr gets right on my tommys these days.
But one night, I think it was a cold winter’s night in February 2015, I was just finishing work and I fancied a bit of jiggy jiggy and a glass of wine. So, I turned on Grindr and waited for a ping.
When I was an avid Grindr user, I would never initiate a conversation. Call it fear of rejection or whatever you like. But just as I was taking a sip of Savvy B, a message pinged up.
It was a very handsome man, in his late 30s and he lived in Weybridge. My antennae started whizzing around. Oooh, I thought. An older man is just what I need. He’ll be mature and experienced, I thought. And he lived in Weybridge. So I assumed he would be rich, even more appealing.
Before you could say blow job, Jamie had invited me over to his gaff for a glass of Savvy B. Which we all know is secret code for sex. Well, maybe not so secret.
Pardon the pun, but when I walked in, he really blew my mind. Along with something else.
It felt different with Jamie. For anyone not in the know about Grindr, you normally walk straight through the front door and then, more often than not, you head straight to the bedroom.
But not with Jamie. He already had a glass of plonk waiting for me and told me to take a seat on the sofa. We actually got on really well and I could feel my heart skip a beat as he looked at me as we laughed.
After two glasses of Savvy B, he came in for the kiss. Obviously, it would have been rude of me not to reciprocate. There was a real passion in the way he kissed me and before you could say anal, he had dragged me into the bedroom. Not that I needed much dragging.
I pulled down his trousers and I nearly fainted. He almost had my eye out. His penis was already fully erect so as it escaped from his flies, it came at my face like a coiled spring. I had to dodge it otherwise I fear I may have been blinded in my right eye.
And I hate to be crude, but my word, it was rather large. I do believe I could have used it as a canoe.
As I stripped off my clothes, I saw him lean over and open his bedside drawer. When I saw him pull out a pair of handcuffs, I think I turned white.
Everyone who knows me well, knows my complete obsession and love of the well-known TV show The Bill. But I didn’t know how I felt about being handcuffed to a bed.
Before you could shout, “Arrest that man!”, he had handcuffed me to the bed and I actually found it quite exhilarating.
After an hour of passionate lovemaking. I call it lovemaking as, contrary to popular belief, I am really a hopeless romantic. After the deed was done, he released me from the cuffs and I kissed him goodnight. As I drove away, I hoped he would ask to see me again.
A few weeks went by and we had started to see each other on a regular basis. Although it was only for sex. I become quite accustomed to being handcuffed. I used to scream, Next Time on The Bill!
We never left the house together or went to a restaurant or anywhere in public actually. It was just sex. But I had started to fall in love with my fuck buddy. Oh shit. What a big faux pas.
On numerous occasions, I begged him to take things to the next level.
“Why don’t you take me out for dinner?” He would always fob me off when I asked that question.
“I’m tired.” Not too tired for sex, I used to think. Not that I was complaining, it was very passionate and I enjoyed it.
One day, after quite a few months of handcuffed lovemaking, I insisted that I would be round on Monday when he finished work, to cook him a lovely home cooked meal. If he couldn’t take me out for dinner because he was too tired, I would bring the dinner to him!
I gauged his reaction and considering he’d never tasted my cooking, I could tell he wasn’t keen on the idea. And then he came out with it.
“I think you want more from me than I want to give you.”
OH. My face dropped. Obviously not literally. I’ve had far too much botox for that to happen. But you get the picture.
“But you keep asking me back”, I was ashamed at how needy I sounded.
“Yes, but I just want sex.”
Heartbroken. I walked out of his flat, taking my half drunken bottle of Sauvignon Blanc with me. I felt no desire to share my expensive New Zealand wine with that bastard.
A year had passed me by and Jamie hadn’t entered my thoughts in a while. Until one day, when a message popped up in my inbox.
“Do you still do beauty treatments? I need my eyebrows waxed please.”
My first thought. You cheeky bitch. But then, I thought of the money. What did I have to lose?
I turned up at his flat, armed with my wax strips. I lay him on my beauty couch and got to work on his bushes that housed his eyes.
Strip after strip, he yelped out in pain. I decided he wasn’t worthy of my usual gentle touch I normally use on my clients. I was quite enjoying inflicting some pain on him.
“WHOOPS!” I suddenly screamed out. He shot up from the couch and looked straight in the mirror. He looked horrified as the realisation dawned on him that he had a rather large chunk missing from right in the middle of his brow.
Feigning complete innocence, I pulled my best sorry face that my botox would allow.
“I’m so sorry. It was a complete accident.”
Needless to say, he never made another appointment.
To all the single ladies out there, a lot of what I’m about to have a moan about I’m hoping I can get an ‘amen’ for each one. And sorry all those in relationships, you’re lovely and we love you, but this is for us single girls.
Now, if you’ve been single for a period of time certain things start to get under your skin. Most people are just being nice and some are even genuinely trying to help but in almost all cases I’d rather attend the stage performance of ‘memoirs of Nigel Farage’ than hear any more about how single I am.
With thanks to the lovely people from twitter I’ve collated the 10 things that every single man really just doesn’t want to hear while they are single so please stop, right now, or the pixie gets it…
I get it all the time and it drives me up the wall. I don’t know why I’m single, if I did I wouldn’t be single and I’d probably be the best love counsellor around and could make millions helping those that are single. But I’m not, therefore I could spend hours coming up with this reason or that reason why it’s dinner for one and wine for 3 most nights. Stop asking me that!!!
To that, I simply say p**s off. My standards are actually fairly practical. They have to be alive, have at least half a brain cell, can hold a conversation, can laugh, sociable (but that isn’t a must), come with an MOT and full-service history. You are trying to find love you know, dating anyone and everyone is just a fool’s errand so this nonsense that people are ‘too picky’, for most of us is utter tosh. Stop saying it unless you genuinely believe we are being too picky because our list of demands is as long as your arm. THEN, you are too fussy.
Thanks, just rub it in some more why don’t you… Who in their right mind thinks this is a nice thing to say to someone when they are single? Just remind me that I’m prime beef still sat on the shelf looking at all the shoppers go straight past to the value aisle. Non-single people, stop it! It’s not helpful and it’s not kind.
NO, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!! Blind dates are the work of the devil. And why is it often (but not always) straight women that do this? You can’t pair gays up like socks, just because they look sort of similar doesn’t mean they are a matching pair. That’s not how it works. I’d be interested to hear from anyone that has actually found love from a blind date arranged by a friend. Genuinely I want to see if it works because my experience has just been car crash after car crash. (Maybe it’s me…?)
6 – “oh it’s such a waste that you’re gay (from straight women)”
Is that what I’m reduced to now, a source of entertainment and a reason to buy a flamboyant hat/fascinator because you want to attend a gay wedding? Well, Joan (or whatever their name is), maybe I don’t want to get married. Just because I want a boyfriend doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll get married. So ha! That’s screwed up your plans hasn’t it Joan??
8 – “I find that if you stop looking, someone will appear”
What is this a ritual to summon Bloody Mary? If I don’t think about dating a date will appear. When has that ever been a successful strategy for anything in life? If I don’t think about the washing up, magically it’ll get done. If I don’t think about the promotion at work, magically they will just give it to me! I get where you are coming from, but strangely enough I don’t spend every waking moment thinking about dating, I have work to do, therefore I’m already doing that and nothing has changed.
Have you? Let’s be honest here the options for online dating aren’t good. Grindr is not for dating. Anyone that tries to look for dates on there is on a fool’s errand. It’s for one thing, booty calls. If someone comes off your booty call then great, but dates? No. As for the rest, well they are a little bit hit and miss. Some are good for online conversation and some just Grindr but a different app. I did, however, stumble across ‘hinge’ the other day. That’s not bad as a different kind of dating app. I would recommend. And did you know that Gaydar was still going? Who knew!
While this is a nice thing to say, it really doesn’t help. That’s like turning up at a friends dinner party and declaring you’ve already eaten. It’s rude and now I feel like my indoor-outdoor BBQ and finger buffet has gone to waste.
I don’t say all this a bitter, twisted and lonely old soul (plays small violin), but I say this so that maybe, just maybe, with a little more foresight we can stop these pointless sayings and enjoy life be that single, taken, unhappily taken, polyamorous or whatever.
