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10 of the worst AF pieces of relationship advice ever given

When it comes to love, lust and relationships of all forms, it can seem like you’re lost in a darkroom. We all need the occasional nudge, pull or poke in the right direction.

You might run a multi-billion pound conglomerate, command an army-like workforce, or parade your beautifully ripped, baby smooth torso behind a bar while pulling pints in Soho. But when it comes to matters of the heart or ya lunchbox, logic can dwindle away quicker than Nick Clegg’s popularity.

So, you turn to your fruit flies, closest gay chums and family members – your confidants for guidance.

But no one’s perfect, even your bestie can lean you towards a Roberto Cavalli, over-embellished multicoloured-silk shirt when all you really needed was a Tom Ford, classic-fit high-collar stand-barrel-cuffed.

THEGAYUK asked ten gay men and one lady – who says she’s practically a gay man – what’s the worst relationship advice they have ever received. Here’s what our boys, and girl, had to say:

Jack Rigby, 22, Junior Architect
ACT ELUSIVE

“A hot guy who rode motorbikes asked me out in Uni. Being the blushing virgin I was, I hadn’t a clue how to play the situation. I asked my best girlfriend at the time for advice. She told me to tone it down and act mysterious. I never saw him again.”

Michael Bates, 46, Property Developer
FOLLOW THE RULES

“My memory of the worst relationship advice relates back to a period in the late nineties. There was a book called The Rules, which my straight friends read to help with their relationships. The book gave a series of guidelines in creating a relationship. For example, if a potential partner rang you for a date, then the rule was that you only rang him back after 3 days to confirm. For me ‘The Rules’ was disastrous. Quite frankly, it was ‘a crock of shit’. It taught me that there are no rules. Just be you – just be yourself.”

Roy Hollywood, 53, Music Teacher
SHARE YOUR FANTASIES

“My worst relationship advice: Share your secret fantasies with your partner. Dreadful advice – they’re secret for a reason – keep them bottled up.”

Marc Davies, 29, Advertising
BREAK IT OFF

“Worst advice I ever had was from one of my best friends, who flat out said: ‘break up with him’. This was only a few months into the relationship. I didn’t, and we worked through it. Honesty, and speaking about your problems can fix a lot. Don’t run. We ended up together for over three years. The actual break-up is another story.“

Gregory Gerot, 37, COO Broad Group International Consulting
SEX IS NOT IMPORTANT

“I was having a few issues with my partner. One night outside a nightclub my friend said ‘Darling, I know you love him but you need to have an open-relationship if you want it to work’. I didn’t take the advice. Five years later and we’re still together and happier then ever.”

Adrian Moore, 52, Funeral Director
PROPOSE DRUNK

“The worst advice I received was a few years ago, from an extremely frustrated individual: sex is not that important”.

Steve Braganca, 38, Project Manager
WRITE A LIST OF PROS AND CONS

“I was going out with a really nice guy, but there were a few issues. I was young (and stupid) and was advised to write a pro’s and con’s list about each other and discuss it over a drink. He stood me up and texted later saying the list showed all my negatives and couldn’t be arsed to see me again. Lesson, never write a pros and cons list.”“‘Also, with a different guy, I was advised to ‘play games’ and ignore his calls and texts to make myself appear less keen. It didn’t work, as he became less interested and accused me of playing games.”

Lee Brobson, 24, Optical Consultant
DRINK… LOTS

“I didn’t know how to act around my new boyf. My close friend told me to become a drunken mess and go wild so he’ll know what to expect. It didn’t last long – funny that.”

Girish Divan, 39, London Fire Brigade
OPEN UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP

“My boyfriend’s best friend convinced me to propose when I was drunk last year at his birthday.”

Michael Woodhead, 30, MI Web Developer
DATE LOTS OF PEOPLE

“A friend told me to date lots of men at the same time, because it stops you from focusing on one person. If one goes quiet, you’ve got other options. For me, I found this didn’t work. I kept making comparisons, I stopped putting in any effort and never really got to know any of them.”

Nina Bass, 42, Healthcare PR – practically a gay man
ONLY MARRY THEM IF YOU WANT TO TEAR OFF THEIR CLOTHING EVERYDAY

“As I stood meringue-clad facing my imminent husband-to-be at the altar, the kind, rather nasal vicar proffered his number one golden rule for any couple; ‘never go to sleep on an argument.’ Wise words but not what he should have said. He should have asked; are you madly, passionately in love with this man? Does the ground move when he walks into a room? Do you want to rip off all his clothes and run out the church together? Sadly, an acrimonious and lengthy divorce followed.”

We can all learn from the above. Trust your gut, and never propose after a skinful.

3rd May 2017
7 amazing things about gay men and their girlfriends

Gay men and women have played together since before Barbie and anal beads were invented.

There are the girls you don’t speak to or hangout with every week but you consider them your good pals. And there’s the ladies you can’t get off the blower. They’re glued to your Dsquared2, black leather biker jacket sleeve, and they fill in the gaps when there’s no love interest – your fruit fly, fag hag queen bee, flame dame or fairy princess.

Both have expectations!

The female friends you don’t see often.

Plus one

When said friend is invited to a wedding, bar mitzvah or social engagement you might be summoned to fill in as her plus one if she’s single. Be prepared to be dropped quicker than a bag of Whole Foods organic yams if she lays her hands on a ripped, Brazilian cage fighter.

Entertainer

Your scintillating repartee is one of the reasons she adores you, and why you’re invited to most of her soirees. You’re cheaper than a magician.

Sex advice

Who needs Cosmopolitan magazine for sex advice. You know how to handle said tool and you own one.

Advice

You’re her agony aunt. All gays are good listeners and they give the best advice.

The fully-fleged gay boy loving gals

All of the above plus extras.

Plus one extra…

Your fruit fly will want to be invited to the opening of your sock drawer as well as a heavy, disco-ball-swinging night out at G-A-Y.

Number one

She’ll assume she’s your number one girl and should be made a priority in all situations. She could turn from pretty, perfectly preened princess into grouchy, green-eyed gremlin if this doesn’t happen.

Unrequited love

Gay boy loving gals require the same reassuring belly tickles, pettings and cuddles as your prized cockapoo.

But let’s face it chaps, when the glass slipper is on the other immaculately pedicured tootsie, we demand just as much, probably more. We’re just a grand piano minus the candelabra without them.

Thank Liza for all our female chums.

Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

3rd May 2017
10 things you know as a gay guy in your 30s

Shock horror younglings, gay men in their 30s do exist, I am one of them. And here is my helpful tongue in cheek guide to traversing the minefield of being classed as over the hill by anyone who’s under 25.

1. It creeps up on you faster than you think.

http://gph.is/1UkkJdN

When I was but a wee gay nipper myself back In the early 2000s I never thought 30 would happen. But time marches on, and suddenly I was 30 before I knew it. There’s only 52 Saturday nights to be had in a year, and those goes shockingly quickly. In just a few short years, you too will be a bitter old queen writing articles about how to cope being in your 30s.

2. Beauty fades, dumb is forever

http://gph.is/XLjZ6y
Here’s a tip for you, you aren’t going stay looking the same for the rest of your life, and let’s face it, getting surgery or fillers will make you end up looking like a permanently shocked shop mannequin, or Madonna. So for the love of god, please teach yourself some skills that don’t involve how to get into a pair of skinny jeans.

3. You WILL lose those luscious locks.

http://gph.is/29Fls7m

I still feel a slight pang of jealousy towards the young gays who can have any hairstyle and colour they want, I used to do it myself, but these days I’ve only got 12 hairs, and three of them are my husbands. But there is a high chance that by your 30s you too will either be bald, or balding. So make the most of your hair while you have it, but once you start losing it, shave that stuff off and grow a beard, or invest in some really ridiculous wigs.

4. You have to become fabulous

http://gph.is/2jI8mip

In order to stay relevant on the gay scene, you will have to become hilarious and fabulous. One liners will have to actually be witty, and you need them to distract from your gnarled old face and rapidly vanishing hairline, you will have to become a talking point but luckily, by your 30s you should have met a group of people who put up with your crazy notions of “good music” and who will sit with you and judge everyone else.

5. Nightclubs will become a chore

http://gph.is/15CoNhx

Not only do hangovers last a lot longer, attempting a death drop could result in breaking a hip, and you’ll also find yourself resenting the fact that you can no longer tell when one song ends and another begins. You also don’t want to have to deal with the drama that young gays manage to get themselves into. While in your youth you could cope with the crying friend, the horny friend and the throwing up friend all in one night, once you’re past 30, most of the time your find the expression “oh for f***s sake, what now?” will become a staple of your vocabulary when dealing with the 18 year olds.

6. It becomes a lot harder to maintain your figure.

http://gph.is/2d1Xjvo

That skinny twink body of yours you so love, yep that’ll go the way of your hairline once you get past 25, and it becomes a lot harder to maintain it without taking out a pact with the devil. That whole pizza and cheesy chips you managed to cram down after a night out, will now stay on your hips unless you run a marathon or rig up a home liposuction device using a funnel, a hose and a Dyson.

7. Hookups in their 40s become a viable option.

http://gph.is/2ghqsDE

When you’re 20, the idea of hooking up with a guy in his 40s might seem like a terrible idea unless he’s rich, has a heart condition and you really like loud indoor fireworks. But in your 30s you realise a guy of 40, could only be 5 years older than you and they are the only ones paying you attention on Grindr anymore.

8 And on the subject of hookups…

http://gph.is/2lMWs3s

In one’s youth, you can be ready for a hookup at the snap of a finger and with pretty much anyone. you’d meet a guy in the club, go back to his place and be careful not to wake up his parents. Even an invitation of “can you meet now?” on Grindr is ok, because you know your feet won’t ache if you walk a mile. Past 30, if someone were to ask “meet now?” You’d have to think about whether you can be bothered to travel that far and whether it’s worth having to have another shower for what could potentially be a lacklustre blowjob.

9. Popularity isn’t everything

http://gph.is/1SGkont

The wisdom of old age makes you understand popularity doesn’t mean a goddamn thing if the people who hang around with you wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire, they’d most likely Snapchat it and try to go viral, so they too can become a vapid attention seeking whore. But fear not young gay, by your 30s the people who have stuck around are the ones who will have your back and most likely be able to provide bail money.

10. You can still have a f**king good time

http://gph.is/1uaonYi

It’s not all doom and gloom, by your 30s you’ll have found yourself, and find the whole idea of the gay scene infinitely amusing and you can appreciate it a lot more. You’ll have met so many different types of people that hardly anything will be a surprise, but you’ll have enough experience not to care. You’ve loved and learned and become a better person for it, so strap on your safety belts, it’s still a hell of a ride.

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1st May 2017
Do bottoms get paid more than tops in gay porn?

We spoke with a number of adult stars who work in gay porn to ask the questions you were dying to know. One of those questions was whether bottoms earn more than tops in scenes.

So, imagine if you will, you’re a bottom in a scene, you’ve got a lot more prep to do to make sure you’re ready for the scene and make extra special preparations so you don’t have an awkward accident mid-scene. We’ve been told that you have to be careful with your diet as well as keeping a healthy lifestyle. Mexican food is apparently the worst!

You’ve also got to be able to take a pounding for hours. One star told us that filming a scene could take up to five hours. Ouch.

So we put the question to those who identified as bottoms or versatile in the industry and asked whether they get paid more than their partners. Sebastian Evan who has worked for Blakemason and Brit Hard Lads, told us, “I always bottom and I ONLY bottom. And no, we do not get paid more”. Michael Lachlan agreed and added, “I don’t see why they would. The top has to put in a lot of effort and a lot of cardio into a sex scene it is actually very tiring”.

Edwin Skyes added that it was pretty much a “myth” in the industry that a bottom would get paid for a scene.

Jonny Kingdom, who has starred in films for Blakemason and GuysInSweatPants.com elaborated on the payment for scenes, he said, “Most of us are self- employed and model fees are different for everyone”. However unlike the other stars, he also revealed that he does get paid more for being a bottom.

So whilst most performers don’t get paid more for the role they take in the scene, it’s not unheard of that a star could get paid more for being a bottom.

27th March 2017
7 fruits for a stronger penis

If you’re looking for natural ways to give yourself a powerful boner you may not need to look further than your kitchen’s fruit bowl.

Fruit is cheap. Cheaper than meds and far healthier for your body. Getting your five or ten portions of fruit and veg is tough, but knowing that some of these natural beauts are actually penis builders we’re suddenly interested!

Watermelon

Watermelon is packed with Vitamin C – and Vitamin C can improve your sperm count but it’s also packed with phytonutrients lycopene, beta-carotene, and, the big one, citrulline. Citrulline is particularly good at getting your blood vessels to relax, so could be fantastic for erectile dysfunction.

Strawberries

Strawberries are an excellent source of vitamin B, which has been linked to high sperm counts in men. Go one step further and coat them in chocolate, as it is full of libido-boosting methylxanthines! (Why do you think it’s such a popular Valentine’s Day gift?!)

Figs

These small fruits pack some big benefits. They are bursting with calcium, iron, potassium, and more of that stimulating zinc. They are also packed with fibre, which boosts heart health and satisfies hunger without adding to your waistline. Check out our Figgy Lavender Pudding recipe.

Pineapple

Pineapple contains the enzyme Bromelain, which can improve libido in men, plus if you eat plenty of this tropical fruit it will also make your climax taste better too! Find out what else can make your man mayo taste better.

Pomegranate

A study from the University of California found that one glass of Pomegranate juice every day could help manage erectile dysfunction. Nearly 50 per cent of those tested reported improvements with their erections.

Banana

Bananas are packed with potassium, great for heart and circulation + a great way to manage and control your blood pressure naturally.

Blueberries

THEGAYUK’s food editor Jordan Lohan calls blueberries nature’s very own little blue bill. He says, “literally little blue “pills”! Lowering cholesterol improving blood flow & circulation, leading to harder erections”. Check out Jordan’s ultimate Romance Rescue Remedy recipe.

3rd March 2017
These guys share what they like to compare their peens with

Having a huge peen tends to make the owner want to compare it to things…

We’ve all seen those pics – probably shared over Grindr – the dick alongside the remote, the dick alongside the can of Coke etc. Well there is an entire thread on Reddit solely devoted to what guys with big dicks like to compare their equipment to. It’s quite enlighting.

These guys share their favourite things:

A can of Redbull

Lining it up with what you’re about to penetrate – to see how far it will go in.

A can of Glade

The TV remote

ALSO READ:
The dirtiest things you shouldn’t touch in a hotel room
7 reasons your penis does not smell so good
5 hilarious budget “Penis Enlargement” gadgets sold on Amazon

Subway Sandwiches

A soda can

and our favourite, a suntan lotion…

Another Redditor explained that a long-distance crush sent a picture comparing his penis to a can of sunscreen and then sent a follow-up apologising for not sending one with a banana for scale. Firstly you have to commend his commitment to slip slop slap. Better to be safe than sorry.

24th February 2017

How posh are you? 5 top tips on Etiquette

Life… it’s all about good manners, being polite to the person who just pushed in front of you in the queue, and knowing how to greet the Queen properly when you do meet her.

CREDIT: Rawpixel.com-bigstock

With that in mind, William Hanson, the UK’s leading consultant in etiquette and protocol and author of the newly published Bluffer’s Guide To Etiquette, has offered his top five tips on how to be more posh in 2017:

1. Never say ‘Pleased to meet you’. You may think you’re being terribly nice saying this upon greeting a stranger, but those in the know will have mentally clocked that you are not saying ‘How do you do?’ If you don’t know who they are, can you be sure you really are pleased to meet them?

2. Revise your handshake. The last time someone told you how to shake hands you were probably very young. Get a loved one to review your handshake honestly. Try to avoid being a wet fish or a bone crusher. People judge others on the quality of their handshake.

ALSO READ: Etiquette tips for the dating app

3. Abandon Pancake Day. For houses of quality, it’s called Shrove Tuesday. Serve crêpes in the evening. Oh, and it’s St Valentine’s Day, also.

4. Avoid attending Facebook parties. If you are invited anywhere by Facebook then don’t go. It won’t be worth it and you’ll probably be served beer in the bottle or be given wine that hasn’t been decanted.

5. Pudding v dessert. The final course of a dinner (and arguably the best one) is the pudding. Note, it is called the pudding. NOT ‘dessert’! If you call your lemon posset with spun sugar basket a dessert when dining with the hoity toity, then you might as well prepare for a future dining at a Toby Carvery – where you can help yourself to the dessert buffet for the rest of eternity.

The Bluffer’s Guide to Etiquette is available for Kindle and iPad at Amazon.co.uk and the iBookstore (RRP £4.99)

This article was first published in 2014.

31st January 2017

20 things you know if you were gay boy from the 80s

Ahh, the 1980’s….

1. When Harrison Ford appeared as Indiana Jones and elevated archaeology to the sexiest profession known to man.

2. When the government passed Clause 28 of the Local Government Act 1988 which made it illegal for any Local Authority to “intentionally promote homosexuality or publish material with the intention of promoting homosexuality” or “promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship”. It was only repealed in 2003.

3. When Madonna arrived, and although her first single, “Holiday”, was released in 1983, it wasn’t until 1984, with her second album, Like A Virgin, that she really blew the gay boy’s minds, cavorting around in Venice and having diamonds thrown at her whilst dressed up like Marylyn. She has been a gay icon ever since.

4. When Colin and Barry had a kiss on Eastenders, making it the first UK soap opera to feature a gay kiss and sending the media into a frenzy with no more than a quick peck between the two men.

5. When Boy George appeared on Top of the Pops, causing fathers in their living rooms to tut in disgust, and school children to debate in schoolyards up and down the country the following day as to whether the singer was a boy or a girl.

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6. When the “AIDS – Don’t Die of Ignorance” campaign meant that as the reality of AIDS took hold; the Government terrified everyone with their now infamous campaign. The “gay plague”, as it was called by the media, had started to hit home.

7. When Bronski Beat hit the charts with “Smalltown Boy”, about a young gay man running away from home to hide his sexuality, and gay musicians came onto the pop charts, including Erasure, Culture Club and Mark Almond.

8. When the New Romantic music movement meant that it was ok for guys to wear eyeliner, pixie boots and use a can of hairspray on their hair every night.

9. When the age of consent for the gay community was 21 years of age, whilst heterosexual couples could consent to sex at 16.

10. When Larry Grayson was the campest thing on Saturday evening television, with his innuendo-filled humour and his famous “shut that door” catchphrase.

11. When Princess Diana and Prince Charles got married; and there wasn’t a gay dry eye in the house. Even before she broke down prejudice by visiting HIV and AIDs patients (amongst her many other charitable causes), she was always adored by the gays.

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12. When Stonewall was founded in 1989, which grew out of a small number of people, including Sir Ian McKellan, who had been campaigning against Clause 28. The green shoots of progress were starting to appear towards the end of the 1980’s and Stonewall’s arrival heralded a more public struggle.

13. When Friday night simply wouldn’t be complete without watching The Golden Girls. “Thank You For Being A Friend”, went the theme song, and Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia were friends to us all.

14. When Frankie Goes To Hollywood were banned from Top of the Pops and Radio One after releasing “Relax”. The band misbehaved themselves in a rather suggestive video to accompany the song, which got Radio One DJ Mike Reid all upset and Auntie Beeb’s knickers in a twist. The single shot to number one in the charts.

15. When after-school cartoons were full of hunks, whether it was He-Man flexing his muscles, Hank the blond haired, handsome ranger from Dungeons and Dragons or Jason from Battle of the Planets, there was always someone to swoon at.

16. When The Weather Girls gave us the ultimate weather forecast.

17. When John Walters out-gayed himself with his movie, Hairspray; bringing together Divine, Rikki Lake and Deborah Harry into one huge ball of campness and a film about those who don’t quite fit in.

18. When Scott and Charlene (aka Jason Donovan and Kylie Minogue) got married on Neighbours, doing so not only to the dulcet tones of Angry Anderson (not the most suitable name for a ballad singer) but to the delight of gays everywhere

19. When La Cage aux Folles opened on Broadway, and spawned the hit “I Am What I Am”, which got the gays feet moving when it became a huge disco hit (and gay anthem) after being released by Gloria Gaynor.