Category: In The Know

  • How to answer that “do you have a girlfriend” question when you’re gay

    How to answer that “do you have a girlfriend” question when you’re gay

    It happens more than you think.

    Generally, people’s default is cis and heteronormative stereotypes, meaning when they are probing you about your private life, the assumption is that you’re cis-gendered and straight. Which at best can lead to an awkward pause and at worst spiral some into a pit of anxiety and depression.

    To answer that question can mean one of two things, it could out you – and maybe you’re not quite ready to come out (or indeed want to) or it can mean that you have to lie, which ultimately means you’re denying your own identity.

    So, how do you answer that assumptive question about whether you have an opposite-sex partner when you’re actually gay, and single.

    This question was recently posed on the AskGayMen subreddit and it the wisdom poured out.

    The OP wrote, that if he had a boyfriend at the time, he’d quite simply say, “no but I have a boyfriend” but the question he posed was more to do with what to say when you’re single.

    Bluntness

    “I’m very blunt and to the point so I say ‘No, I like men’. If you don’t feel the need to disclose your sexual preferences a simple ‘No’ should suffice” was a suggestion, (VIA) while another joked, “god no very gay super gay the gayest boy in town definitely not nope never…. but I’m still single”

    Career driven

    However for someone who didn’t necessarily want to out themselves suggestions were to redirect the conversation to work. Such as “No, I’m focusing on my career right now” or “my studies are taking my focus”.

    The convo blocker

    Then there the outright conversation stopper, which could sound like, “single and not looking.”

    With an answer like that, there’s no way a person can reask, without sounding like a nosey asshole. (VIA)

    A truthful approach

    If you’re not worried about the reaction to sexuality might be, you could just say “no but I have an ex-boyfriend!” (VIA)

    Feedback loop

    Another way to remain elusive is to ask the question right back with, “No, do you?” (VIA)

  • Is it normal for bottoms to lose their erections during sex?

    Is it normal for bottoms to lose their erections during sex?

    Did you know, it’s not that uncommon for guys to lose their boners while they’re bottoming? It could be the horniest thing in the world, but sometimes with all the will in the world, a hard dick can be as elusive as a coherent Donald Trump press conference.

    A cock that won’t play along can cause frustration both for the bottom and top. For the guy being penetrated a flaccid peen can be a cause for concern, for the top – there’s always the worry that their partner isn’t having a good time.

    Rest assured, a flaccid penis while being fucked is that not uncommon for the bottom, and tops – it doesn’t necessarily mean your partner is having a bad time.

    So why does it happen?

    yellow banana fruit on white surface
    Photo by Andreea Ch on Pexels.com

    So why do some bottoms lose their erection during sex?

    Well, no one quite knows and it might not be a one answer fits all scenario. Some guys lose their erections because of alcohol, chems or even sniffing poppers. Some can lose it because they’re concentrating on other things, like relaxing or tensing – depending on what’s happening down there, some may lose their erections because of medical issues, like prostate cancer recovery, or certain types of doctor-prescribed medications.

    The key is not to freak out about it.

    Keep an eye on the situation and get to know your body and how it reacts.

    However, if you think your erection issues might be caused by something else, it’s always worth reaching out and having a chat with your doctor.

    Remember not every sexual encounter has to have a solid hard erection in order for it to be a successful sexual encounter. Nor does it have to end with everyone climaxing.

    If you’re having fun and both having a good time and there’s no pain (outside of the normal feelings of anal sex) then crack on.

    Want to know some tricks on how to reduce discomfort while being fucked? Click here.

  • Is it safe to meet someone off Grindr yet?

    Is it safe to meet someone off Grindr yet?

    It’s been well over 100 days since the UK went into lockdown at the end of March and its citizens were heavily restricted in order to “flatten the curve” of the Coronavirus.

    But as these restrictions are slowly lifted and certain elements of lockdown have been eased or removed, we ask, what does the government say about meeting with people for sex – especially when it comes to Grindr or dating hookups?

    Of course, the government doesn’t specifically mention hook up apps or whether you can meet with someone for specifically for the purposes of sex, however, it has outlined its guidelines when it comes to inviting people from other households into your own.

    Can I invite someone over from Grindr, Jack’d, Hornet or Scuff?

    There’s no overriding rule for the UK, each of the four nations, England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales all have their own regulations and rules when it’s come to their coronavirus response.

    In England, you can have someone from a different household enter your home. The government advises against socialising in groups of more than two households. This means you could have a hook up with someone, the question is, should you? That is up to you in the end.

    The government does recommend physical distancing and good hygiene practices. You may not stay overnight at someone’s house unless they are part of your “bubble”.

    In Scotland, you can meet up with 2 other households at a time in your own home. However, the Scottish government is warning people to maintain a physical distance of 2 metres “at all times”.

    In Wales, two or more households can become an “extended household” which allows them to “have physical contact and stay in each other’s homes.” The Welsh government says that all other households have to meet outdoors.

    In Northern Ireland, since the 23rd June meetings of up to six people have been permitted. However, the government in Northern Ireland suggest limiting the duration of the visits, ensuring good ventilation, maintaining good hand hygiene and physical distancing where possible. Overnight stays are not permitted.

    [totalpoll id=”120564″]

    Remember, Covid-19 is still prevalent in the UK and it highly transmittable.

    Back in March our Agony Uncle, said that if people were going to continue to hook up that it would be a good opportunity to talk to partners about their health and their safety.

    He wrote, “I think coronavirus could be a good engine for change or adaptation for our community. It might invite us to start talking more openly about our sexual health, testing and well-being in general and there’s no harm in having a conversation with someone about their health before you hook up.

    “The more we talk about these things, hopefully, the less stigma there is attached to our health”.

    You should swap contact details with people you hook up with to help with track and trace.
    Photo by Negative Space on Pexels.com

    It’d also be wise to make sure you have the contact details of any of that you do have sex with, in order to help with any tracking or tracing, in case you or they become infected with Covid-19.

    What about sexual health services are they open?

    face mask on blue background
    Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

    Not exactly, unfortunately, many of the UK’s sexual health services are not open to bookings for regular sexual health checkups – but to a phone triage service.

    Back in May, Doctor Naomi Sutton took to Twitter to remind followers that the NHS sexual services were still available and that anyone who needed them should phone their usual sexual health clinic and access the current phone consulting services being offered.

    She told us, “Sexual health services are operating phone consultations, posting contraception, screening tests and medication when needed and seeing patients face to face where necessary”

  • This gay bar gives an insight on how things are going to go after lockdown eases

    This gay bar gives an insight on how things are going to go after lockdown eases

    It’s the moment many LGBT+ people have been waiting for – the easement of lockdown and the reopening of LGBT+ spaces, but things could be looking quite different as one bar in Birmingham has been explaining.

    In order to keep in with COVID Secure government guidelines, bars, cafes and restaurants will have to adhere to strict restrictions and guidelines in order to keep new infections of COVID-19 to zero.

    Contact details, hand sanitizer and table bookings

    Embed from Getty Images

    People who go to a bar will also have to give staff their contact details in order to help the government with their track and trace scheme.

    We recently polled THEGAYUK readers on whether people were happy about handing over their personal details to businesses in order to aid with track and trace. The vast majority of people (68.7%) were not happy about having to give up their personal details and there have been many fears surrounding the security of data handled by businesses.

    Missing Bar, one of Birmingham’s most popular LGBT+ bars has laid out some of its plans and policies to keep the public safe ahead of a planned opening on the 4th July.

    They wrote,

    • “On entry to the venue one person from each household will be asked to supply contact details, this is to support the government’s Test and Trace initiative, this is compulsory to enter the bar.”
    • The bar also explained in its Facebook post that all patrons will have the house rules and government guidelines given to them on entry to the bar.
    • The bar has also initiated a table booking system otherwise tables will be on a first-come-first-served basis.
    • The bar also asked that all payments be made, where possible, with contactless technology and they even have a new app where drinkers can buy their drinks via their phones.
    • PPE (personal protection equipment) will, Missing Bar has said, be offered to customers and staff.
    • There will also be a dedicated staff member to clean the venue regular and hand sanitizer will be available throughout the bar.

    Our priority is and always will be keeping you safe

    Finally the bar owners, said,

    “…we are trying to keep you safe and this is all very new to us, please be patient with us during this time. Our priority is and always will be keeping you safe.

    “We can’t wait to see you”

  • When will gay bathhouses and saunas reopen in the UK?

    When will gay bathhouses and saunas reopen in the UK?

    Fans of bathhouses may have to wait a little longer than hoped for saunas and bathhouses to reopen.

    Many parts of the LGBT+ economy is starting to awaken from the COVID-19 Lockdown, with the return of gay sex and lifestyle shops last week in England, but other sectors, such as nightclubs and gay saunas are still having to wait their turn to open.

    Hopes were dashed for many sauna fans when gyms, spas and other health venues were not included in the list of business types that could fully reopen during the last official announcement by the government on what businesses could reopen – provided they were “COVID SECURE”.

    It had been hoped that many businesses could fully reopen on the 4th July, however many health businesses and nightclubs were not included, despite outdoor gyms and pubs and bars being permitted to open from the beginning of July – provided they could prove they are “COVID Secure” – a term the UK government has been using to denote that businesses are making sure that customers and employees are adhering to rules and restrictions that can halt or slow the spread of coronavirus.

    Possible mid-July opening?

    However, a little glimmer of hope came in the form of a Tweet from the Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, Oliver Dowden, who said, “Subject to public health, our aspiration is to reopen gyms & leisure facilities in mid-July”

    Read how the Gay Sauna experience may differ after lockdown eases. One sauna in Nottingham shares what changes will happen.

  • Is there a nudist beach in Brighton?

    Yes there is a nudist beach in Brighton and here’s where to find it

    Originally opened in 1979, Brighton’s nudist beach is one of the most popular and most accessible nudist beaches in the UK.

    And since it’s Brighton and involves public nudity, the beach is hugely popular with the gay community. Despite the fact that the beach itself is one of shingle and pebbles, it remains one of the UK’s busiest naturist spots.

    So be sure to bring flip-flops and a particularly comfortable towel if you’re planning on sunning your bits in Brighton.

    Where is Brighton’s Nudist Beach?

    if you’re wondering how to find it – if you’re looking at the Pier (out to sea) the beach is a little way up the beach to the left, towards Duke’s Mound.

    Is there cruising at Brighton’s nudist beach?

    So there you have it, there is a nudist beach in Brighton and it happens to be very popular with the LGBT+ community, but as our Travel Expert, Nick Baker warns, don’t expect that just because a beach is particularly popular with gay men, to expect there to be a lot of cruising. He told us,

    “Just remember that not all nudist beaches are gay beaches, and not all gay nudist beaches are ok with other “activities”. A nudist beach is not always an excuse to go dogging”.

    Being naked at a Nudist Beach in Brighton is not illegal, but you have to be careful about cruising.
    (C) BIGSTOCK

    Public nudity is generally not legal in England, except in certain specific circumstances. The laws around public nudity are complex, but as a general rule, it is illegal to expose one’s genitals, buttocks or breasts in public places where other people could see them. This includes on the street, in parks, on beaches, and in other public spaces.

    There are some exceptions, such as during events like the World Naked Bike Ride, where participants are allowed to cycle naked through the streets of some cities. There are also designated nudist beaches where nudity is permitted, although it is important to note that even on these beaches, sexual behaviour or lewd conduct is not allowed and may result in criminal charges.

    In summary, public nudity is generally not legal in England and those who do so may face criminal charges unless it falls under specific exceptions.

  • Where can I buy poppers in Bournemouth?

    If you’re in the market to buy poppers or room aromas and you’re in the Bournemouth area, here’s where you can buy them from.

    There are a number of LGBT shops in Bournemouth where you can purchase poppers.

    Firstly, Prowler has a store based in Bournemouth. The store is linked with Simply Pleasure and is located at 333-335 Holdenhurst Road. The store has a wide variety of products, including poppers.

    Secondly, Easy Tiger, a shop right in the heart of Bournemouth’s LGBT quarter (the Triangle) has a full range of bedroom bits and pieces and a full range of room aromas for you to check out.

    Thirdly you can always buy poppers online. A number of shops exist that sell room aromas.

    Are poppers legal in the UK?

    Where can you buy poppers in Bournemouth?
    CREDIT: TheGayUK

    It is completely legal to consume and sell poppers in the UK. In 2017 there were fears that the Conservative government would outlaw their sale and usage, however, poppers were proven to not be a psychoactive substance and so the government made a U-turn and decided against making the liquid illegal.

    If you’re wondering whether poppers are safe to use, then read our advice on them here.

    What else is LGBT+ in Bournemouth?

    Bournemouth has a number of LGBT+ / gay venues including Saunas, Bars and places to get food. It also has a yearly pride event called Bourne Free which is one of the largest on the south coast.

  • Gay Dating | What is a bear?

    Gay Dating | What is a bear?

    Decoding the bear – if you see “Bear” in someone’s dating or Grindr profile, here is what it means.

    Bears are guys who are generally thicker and hairier – a bit like a bear. There’s a whole community and they even have their own flag, which you may see during pride season.

    Bears are generally a subset of the gay community and tend to be older guys, younger bears to be are called cubs.

    The bear community is widely thought to have begun in 1970’s San Francisco, USA. The term bear was popularised by Richard Bulger. Bulger and his partner of the time, Chris Nelson created what was thought to be the first-ever magazine catering to Bears and their admires called Bear Magazine.

    What is the bear flag?

    The flag, which is made of seven stripes ranging from Brown, orange to Black and Grey was designed by Craig Byrnes who created this flag in 1995.

    There is a debate as to how a bear and the community is defined as a whole, while some suggest that bears are the epitome of masculinity and ruggedness and the rejection of effeminacy, there are many who feel that bear culture is very inclusive and rejects the stereotypical views of mainstream gay culture, which historically always vaulted for a more “twinky” or muscly aesthetic.

    Whats the difference between a bear and an otter?

    Otters, who are also a subset of the gay/bi community tend to be slimmer but still hairy.

    Unlike bears, otters do not have a name for younger guys.

    Dating Apps for bears

    As with most communities under the LGBT+ umbrella there are quite a few dating and hook up apps for bears, cubs and their admirers.

    Growlr and Scruff are probably the most famous. THEGAYUK also has a bear chat group, which is free to check out.

    Check out more gay dating terms.

  • Gay Dating | What does BB stand for?

    Barebacking is anal sex without the use of condoms. It has become more and more common on dating and hookups for guys to ask for BB sex, as the availability of anti-HIV medications has risen.

    You may see “Negative on PreP” on a person’s profile to indicate that they are potentially up for condomless sex.

    The rise of BB could also be linked to the rise in bareback porn being filmed by studios.

    After the rise of AIDs and HIV in the gay community during the 80s and 90s condomed sex was advocated by community leaders and health professionals as a way to combat the spread of HIV.

    In recent years, however, with the availability of PrEP for “at-risk” communities, condom use is no longer seen, by some, as entirely necessary, particularly in the fight of ending new HIV infections.

    Previously BB sex was seen as extremely risky, however, due to the invention and availability of PrEP, bareback sex is safer from becoming infected with HIV, however, BB sex can lead to other sexually transmitted diseases, such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis.

    Check out more gay dating terms.

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  • Are there gay cruising grounds in Nottingham?

    Are there gay cruising grounds in Nottingham?

    Whether you love or loathe the idea of anonymous outdoor gay sex, it’s hard to escape the fact that there cruising and dogging grounds everywhere. Even in Nottingham!

    You probably don’t even know, but from where you’re sitting or standing right now there’s probably a cruising or dogging ground just metres away from you in Nottingham, and there’s a reason why they exist – they’re a hangover from more homophobic times in the UK.

    Gay cruising is not a new phenomenon. It dates back to when sex between men was illegal in the UK. Finding a place where two men could be intimate with each other without too many questions being raised was tricky until it was realised that men’s public toilets were a perfect place.

    These were named cottages because they actually used to look like quaint little cottages.

    The act of finding sex in these public conveniences became known as “cottaging“.

    Birth of the Gloryhole

    The sex between men who would frequent a cottage would usually be anonymous. Gloryholes, a hole drilled between stalls in public toilets became a way in which this sex could remain faceless.

    To this day there are loads of cottages and cruising grounds in Nottingham, two of the most popular are the Arboretum and the Forest Recreation Ground.

    Cottaging and cruising etiquette

    Generally speaking, not a lot of talking goes on when cruising. A series of looks and gestures would let others know what you were up to. At urinals, guys would stand, playing with themselves subtly to let others know that they were up for some play. Then if the feeling is mutual the pair could make their way to a cubicle for more privacy.

    At cruising grounds, much of the same would happen, except the action took place away from public footpaths.

    Is Cottaging Ilegal in the UK?

    Cottaging is illegal in the United Kingdom under the Sexual Offences Act 2003 and applies to both heterosexual and homosexual acts.

    The Sexual Offences Act 2003 doesn’t say however that sex in a public place is illegal. Cruising grounds and cottaging are two different spaces. Cruising grounds are defined as open spaces, where men can hook up with men, or straight couples can meet for sex (often referred to as dogging), as long as no members of the public can see you.

    You risk being arrested if reported by a member of the public. If this happens you have the right to legal advice from an on-duty solicitor at the police station. If convicted you could be sentenced to 6 months in prison and /or a fine.

  • Gay Dating | What does BDSM stand for?

    Simply put, BDSM is an acronym for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.

    There are many forms of BDSM and they run a spectrum from light power play, like blindfolds and furry handcuffs to rough abuse – including genital abuse like CBT (cock and ball torture).

    Usually, a person takes up a preferred role, dominant or subservient, masochist or sadist, although of course, you’ll get people who like to switch, between the many roles.

    The dom is usually the person doling out the punishment or pain, while the sub is the receiver.

    According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the first known use of BDSM was in 1991.

    So what is Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism?

    What does BDSM mean?

    Bondage is where the tying up of your partner with roles, cables, cable ties, scarves or actual chains. The idea is to restrict your partner’s movement. Again this could be on the lighter side, with just bounding someone’s hands to a full-body restriction suit, made from rubber.

    Discipline could be corporal punishment like hits and spanks, but it could be verbal discipline as well.

    Sadism is where someone is turned on by cruelty or humiliation inflicted upon another.

    Masochism is the opposite of sadism. It’s where you are turned on by subjected to physical pain or humiliation.

    BDSM in the gay community is not uncommon, with many guys trying out one form or another within relationships or other hookups. Many enjoy power play and enjoy the taking of dom or sub-roles, just as their heterosexual counterparts do.

    Many people associate leather wear like harnesses and hogtie with the likes of homoerotic imagery like Tom of Finland or the activities of the annual Folsom street fair in San Francisco.

    It is important to distinguish between consensual BDSM activities between consenting adults and those who are being abused or coerced against their wills.

    Although BDSM does involve abuse, it is welcomed by the recipient, whereas sexual abuse isn’t.

    Check out more gay dating terms.