Back in the 00s, short spikes, frosted tips and wet leather was a look, in fact, THE look.
Andrew Hayden-Smith, Hollyoaks‘ DC Armstrong has posted the throwback to end all throwbacks from the early noughties, and despite the fact that he wasn’t in a boyband back then, he really should have been – even if he was just the pretty one that never actually sung.
For those of you who don’t know how Andrew made his start, it was in the BBC kids’ show, Byker Grove in which he starred as Ben Carter between 1995 and 2003.
Andrew revealed that the picture was taken when he was just 16, by then already a teenage heartthrob to millions across the UK.
Of course, fans couldn’t get enough, with many mentioning that he hadn’t actually aged a day. One even joked that Andrew seemed to be serving up some real Victoria Beckham vibes from the early 00s (remember her duet with Dane Bowers?!)
If you ever see the acronym “BS” on a guy’s profile, it’s probably contained in a sentence like: “Not into BS” or “No BS” and basically it just means “No Bullshit”
You’d think that being on a hookup or dating app would be simple right? I mean we’ve all downloaded the app for one of a few reasons, right? Surely we’re all on there to search for a date, sex or maybe just friends (Yeah, sure Jan)
Surely the need for BS – however it manifests just wouldn’t need to be a thing, but it is.
From Ghosting to Catfishing to picture collectors there are all manner of shitty and bullshit behaviours on dating apps – although it seems that some apps are a breeding ground for shitty behaviour.
So why not just cut to the chase, cancel the bullshit and say what you want…
Falling in love with the wrong person can be a difficult and painful thing to experience. For members of our community, this can be even hard because unrequited love is always the worst. I know many of you out there will have been through this at least once in your life. I’ve been through it too, on more than one occasion. You could say that I’m a masochist. I put my heart through that much trauma I’m surprised I’ve not given myself a heart attack.
The first one was very traumatic. It lasted for about four years, and ultimately it cost me a lot. I lost close friends. I lost my integrity, and it also took a real toll on my mental health. I’ve always been honest with you; this time, I’m going to be brutal. For some, this will be a difficult read, but I think for some of you, you’ll be able to relate and if this helps one person to understand that this is a normal part of life, then I’ve achieved what I wanted to when I started writing this.
It seems to be a rite of passage for gay men to fall in love with straight men and there is undoubtedly a social stigma that comes with it, that should it ever become public knowledge, is difficult to shake. People don’t seem to grasp that you cannot help who you genuinely fall in love with, it’s not a choice you make, it’s a feeling you struggle with for months, sometimes even years and it sends you into a spiral that you have no control over. You’re made out to be a predator because it was always you that initiated everything. The other person hasn’t done anything wrong. You are a walking devil.
When you are in the thick of it you think about that person every single day; there is not a day goes by where you feel your life could be so much different. A part of you in your head tells you to grow the fuck up and move on, put him out of your life, and deal with it. But it’s your heart that overrides that situation, hanging on every word they say. Over analysing a simple text message, seeing how many ways you can take it, has he dropped a hint that maybe he feels the same way about you? You drive yourself insane. It did me.
It’s been a long, and difficult road to get over that guy. It’s not been easy. It’s difficult to watch people around you fawn all over them and boost their ego, while you are wanting to scream across the room, screaming inside because you what they’re doing is breaking your heart. Your heart races a thousand beats per minute. They just don’t see it, or do they? Are they thriving off the attention they’re receiving? Are they playing a sick game with you; that twists and turns your insides, and manipulates your head without you comprehending?
The hardest part is covering. You do your best to hide in public when you’re around your friend, you laugh off the jokes that deep-down inside is tearing you apart. You watch them play their games, and you just want to scream stop. The worst thing about it is that people can’t see inside your heads. They can see this smooth and sometimes icy exterior. They don’t know your hurting inside. You try to tell your “close” friends about it, but they don’t seem to understand, they just see the blatant front they’re putting on. They don’t honestly believe that someone is capable of doing these things you’re telling them. You start to see these people in a different light. People become blindsided. They only believe what they want you to see.
You try to block it out with new relationships, but in the end, you end up committing self-sabotage, because you know that deep down inside that this person is nothing compared to the guy you want but can’t have. You mess around and hurt perfectly lovely guys because they’re not him. You can’t shake what you feel for him, something else comes and smacks you round the face that proves you are still in fact madly in love with them; or at least you think you are.
In the end, you don’t blame them for feeling that way. They don’t want you to change their opinions about them. You’re made to feel like an outsider. People who you thought were close, best friends even, you look at them differently. You don’t know how to deal with it. You want to run. Run far away as possible. When you’re in the grasp of an obsession, sometimes it’s the only possible escape. The strength comes from staying and fronting it out. When you’ve mastered this, then you can begin to say to yourself that you’ve got this. It’s at this point you can start to reclaim control.
Looking back now, this was a period of my life when I desperate to be loved, and this went on for four years until I got truly over him. I’ve not had any interaction with him for about five years now. It’s times like these when I re-evaluate the past and my life. I start to think about how I’ve changed. If I saw this guy again, five years on, and being the more developed and mature person, I am now, what would I say to him? I guess I would say; ‘Cheers; I learned from that experience, and It’s made me a more resilient person’. I have come through this experience, and I’ve closed the door on this part of my life, and going forward in my life, it’s going to make me a more well-rounded person, and it’s going to impact my relationship with men.
FILE PHOTO: When the lines between friendship and romance become blurred, hearts and minds can be hurt. Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com
Straight men are an enigma for gay men. We want what we can’t have, and we go through periods of having feelings for people we shouldn’t. These feelings aren’t just a one-time thing. They can come out of the left-field sometimes. About a year ago, I reconnected with an old friend that I’d not spoken to for a very long time, and certain feelings have started to resurface. There’s a certain sexual tension between this new guy and me, and we’ve made out on a couple of occasions when we’ve been drunk. It’s unrealistic for it to be anything more than this, and I know this. The rational part of my brain understands and accepts this, it’s the other side that sometimes has a louder voice. We have to learn not to listen to that side as much and focus on living in a present state of rationality. I think the more I’ve grown as a person, the stronger I’ve become, and I see things in a completely different light.
I look back on this saga with mixed emotions. Hindsight is twenty-twenty. I look back with a sensible, level head that I’ve got now thinking “Wow, Al; you were an absolute IDIOT”. Why did I waste the best part of a year on a guy that was not even worth my time; get some self-worth and some self-respect? Why did I do it? I guess I could say I was young. Frontal lobes aren’t developed. I had zero self-esteem. Maybe a part of me didn’t see that I was worth more? Perhaps I was yearning from the attention and acceptance that I couldn’t see everything with clarity. I also look back and think; this guy really did a number on my head – but; in the long run, it probably did me a huge favour. It’s made me stronger.
I now know what I am worth and what I want in a relationship and a romantic partner. I don’t want somebody who is going to give me the run-around, fuck with my head and always hurt me; and nobody should settle for this. We are worth more. So if you are in a similar situation to the one I’ve been in, then give yourself the time to heal and remember your worth, because you are ten times the person that he will ever be and remember; you will get over it, and you will be a much more resilient person for it.
Just as things were starting to loosen up, the Government has mandated that it is against the rules to meet with people outside your social bubble in your own home and has plunged a number of communities in England under local lockdown.
As the weather has been warming up and Coronavirus restrictions ease, many people have been meeting with hookups and going on dates. However, if you’re living in a number of towns and cities in northern England, including one of the UK’s biggest LGBT+ communities, Manchester, you may have to hold off a few more weeks.
Sudden lockdown measures have forced many people in some major northern cities in England to rethink their plans for the weekend after the government took the unprecedented steps to lock down a number of places without warning.
The changes come after a spike in cases of Covid-19.
https://twitter.com/i/events/1289157717383233536
The cities include Greater Manchester, Blackburn with Darwen, Burnley, Hyndburn, Pendle, Rossendale, Bradford, Rochdale, Calderdale, Kirklees and Leicester.
However, people will still be able to visit pubs, restaurants and other businesses, providing they do so not to meet other people from other households.
The gay scene in Manchester will remain open for business. Nevertheless, people who visit pubs and bars will need to drop off a contact name and number in order to help authorities track and trace should anyone visiting the premises be unknowingly carrying the virus.
I’ve written a few times now about Pride, the Gay Community and what being LGBTQ+ in the modern world means. Since lockdown, and with most Prides around the world being either cancelled or postponed, this seems like an opportune moment to go back to basics.
From resetting the environment, through to resetting our lives. Lockdown has presented a unique opportunity to reflect and maybe find a better way.
A lack of ‘Pride’ events in the UK reminds us of why they are still important. Yes, they are a celebration, yes, they are a protest, yes, they are ‘messy’, and yes, they are connecting. Pride can be all of those things and whatever else you want it to be if you keep these 5 things in mind.
At Pride events up and down the country I am always learning new things about what is going on with our LGBTQ+ family across the globe and closer to home. Issues with suitable care for LGBTQ+ needs in care homes, issues with gender recognition and support, mental health and support for coming out related challenges – all sorts. We could all just live in our very nice little UK bubble, or we could expand our horizons. Explore worlds outside our own and see the world through other’s eyes. Hear about their world, their lived experiences and maybe do what we can to make it a little easier for them as it has been ‘easier’ for many of us.
People say, “why do we need ‘specialist’ services for LGBT people”, and to them I say I pray you never need to use them. While the challenges our community faces are similar to others, they can often be specifically unique and complex. And if you have ever been in that sort of situation, even remotely or seen it ‘third party’, you would understand immediately why you can’t have a generalist supporting that person, it has to be someone that gets the pain, gets the anguish, and can provide the right support to the right person.
Like it or not you, LGBTQ+ person reading this, enjoy your life today thanks to the work and sacrifice of others. From basic civil rights to allow you to not go to jail for just being you through to fighting stigma and educating the wider public. You can ignore it, you can play it down, you can revel in the ‘safe’ UK and that is your right to do so. But maybe, just maybe, take the opportunity both during pride and outside of it, to go and speak to some of those people that fought for your nice life.
At my own local pride, Essex, their online pride gave a brilliant segment on LGBT history in Chelmsford and Essex. From the first ‘celebrity’ local gay man through the history of the bars and local charities. I learnt more from that reflective video that I ever would have had access to via word of mouth.
Pride is an opportunity to reflect. Give thanks and enjoy all the things that those that came before us could not. They fought for your right to be free, to challenge and to party (or not). Either way it is your choice and that’s a choice you enjoy because of them. So, remembering them through Pride, is the very least we can do.
To challenge is to evolve
At Pride events up and down the country, and indeed some in other countries, if you open yourself up to it you can expand your mind. Challenge your preconceptions of the world. And learn so much more about the human experience.
Personally, I’ve learnt so much about gender, mental health, sexual identity, sexual expression, community, history and the world through the LGBTQ+ community. Every single pride has a community element to it – some more than others. Have you explored these sides of it? The art festival at Brighton, the community networking events at Manchester, the local charity support stands at Essex (to name but a few).
If you want to see new ideas, examples of the challenges we face, and some amazing examples of community and the real face of humanity, go and see some these events, charities and organisations.
Pride brings people together. LGBTQ+ or not, it brings everyone out and raises awareness. We are here, we have a rich and diverse culture, and we are most certainly not going anywhere.
When the Pulse nightclub in Orlando was attacked, I was there at the vigil in Soho. I had not seen the community mobilise so quickly before and had never seen so many people out to remember those we lost outside of pride. That, plus the vigil at Manchester Pride and various other events have been golden examples of how we are very much a community. And like a community it has its problems, it isn’t perfect and there are aspects of it to love and hate. But the fact remains, it is a community. We all have the same things in common and there is more of what unites us, than divides us.
It could be worse
It sounds like one of those hollow statements, but it really is true. Legal rights don’t just appear, they are granted through hard work and determine and as quickly as they can be granted, they can be taken away. We are lucky in the UK because of things like democracy, a free press and an independent judiciary. But not everywhere enjoys that.
While I’m not suggesting the UK is heading towards being the next China, even some of the basic fundamentals that mean nothing to you may mean the world to someone who is being denied them. Someone who, every single moment of every single day, is being reminded that they are not a human in the eyes of the law/their employer/the police etc.
If you can’t picture what that feels like, good. I hope you never have to. But that doesn’t take away from the need to ensure that until we live in that perfect world that we all want, we do what we can to remember, respond and remind everyone that we are here, we are human beings and we will not go back to the days of criminalisation and marginalisation.
I’m not saying you need to be a card carrying, flag waving front and centre member of the community. Instead, make pride what you want of it. A moment of personal reflection and appreciation all the way through to a front and centre card carrying, flag waving member of the community.
It is what you make of it, just be glad that it can be what you make of it.
This week I have been enjoying the Kia Stinger GT-S.
Kia describes the Stinger as a halo performance model. They say it is a GT car and not a hard-edged sports car.
I read a very cool quote from chief designer Gregory Guillaume (Gee-ome) which said: “the Stinger has nothing to do with being first to arrive. This car is all about the journey. it’s about passion.”
Stinger is a new direction for Kia, taking them into a new market sector. A 5 door, 5 seater fastback style grand Tourer. It is also their first Rear Wheel Drive car in the UK.
Our Stinger is the GT-S which means it has the all aluminium, 3.3 litre twin-turbo V6 engine, producing 361bhp and 510Nm or torque.
Interestingly, it makes peak power at 6,000rpm but…..makes its torque between 1500rpm and 4,500pm. 1500rpm! What this means is the engine is very tractable and you don’t need to rev it to get the most out of it, which is how a GT car should be. 0-62mph comes up in just 4.7 seconds and the top speed is 168mph
The Interior is beautiful. It’s not brash or ostentatious, it’s elegant and dignified. I would describe it as somewhere between a dull Audi interior and an unnecessarily conspicuous Mercedes Interior.
Seats, armrests, steering wheel, dashboard and gear shifter are all upholstered in plush Nappa leather. The centre console, Interior door handles & pedals have a brushed aluminium finish and there is a beautiful suede headlining.
Both front seats are electrically adjustable and heated and cooled and the driver’s seat has a huge amount of electric adjustment for lumbar and bolsters.
I actually found the seats firm but fantastically comfortable over a long distance. There’s plenty of room and they are very supportive.
Suspension on the Kia is excellent. McPherson struts at the front with multi-link rear suspension. It’s also Blessed with DSDC: Electronically controlled, Dynamic, Stability, Damping, Control
The car adjusts the suspension on the move, controlled by acceleration, braking and steering sensors. The driver can change the characteristics of the whole car by using the Mode Selector on the centre console.
There are 5 modes: Smart – Eco – Normal – Sport – Sport+.
Each position of the drive mode selector noticeably changes the characteristic of the car.
I’m sure you’ve seen this kind of thing before. Steering, gearbox and throttle become more responsive, suspension firms up and the whole car takes on a more sporty attitude.
In the Kia Stinger, the modes feel like well spaced gear ratios. They offer a very progressive, increased level of driver involvement by reducing the electronic intervention and increasing the fun factor, culminating in the full fat Sport+ mode.
However, even Sport+ has some electronic involvement. It will go sideways but the car still has your back.
If you really want to be a no holes barred hooligan, you can completely turn off traction control and stability control with another button on the centre console.
Brakes are fantastic. Kia have blessed the Stinger with 350mm discs on the front and 340mm on the rear, both with massive calipers. The braking force is epic and the feel is excellent. When you first press the brake pedal, Initial bite is quite gentle. There is no snatching or jerky braking, it’s nice and gentle. When you apply more pressure, the braking force increases significantly. In short, the brakes are excellent, they are the best of both worlds: easy to use around town, and provide immense stopping power when needed.
As a GT car, the Stinger really works. You can easily cover hundreds of miles in comfort, cocooned in a beautifully built cockpit, accompanied by the sweet but subtle song of the all aluminium V6. Slip the drive mode selector to ‘comfort’ and enjoy the relaxed, brisk journey.
Turn the drive mode selector to Sport+ and you can drive it like you stole it. If you turn traction control off, you can pretend you’re a bad guy in a movie being chased by the superhero. It’s fast, poised, you can slide the rear end at will and be a total hooligan if you want.
The chassis is fantastic. Whether you are cruising in comfort or being a lunatic in sport+, the car is never nervous and always feels predictable and controllable.
One of the most striking features of the Stinger is the price. This 3.3 GT-S is the top of the range car with all the toys. It is only £41,646.24. There are very few options available, the standard car has all the toys as standard. To get something like an Audi S5 with a similar specification, you would be somewhere in the region of £62,000. I would have the Kia in a heartbeat over the Audi.
If I had a concern, it would be over residual value. I would expect a BMW or Audi to have a stronger residual but, I don’t know.
This Stinger is very, very good and in my opinion, better than any financially equivalent GT car.
It’s heatwave central and let’s face it we’re not coping very well.
They’ll talk about it always, the summer of 2018 – well that is until the next freak weatherwave happens… Anyone looking forward to this winter’s Snowmageddon?
Are you having trouble sleeping during the heatwave? Well, Max Wiseberg of HayMax has come up with these five tips to help you drift off to a restful sleep regardless of the heat outside and the pollen count.
Max comments, “Staying cool is the key to a good night’s sleep and if you’re a hay fever sufferer like me, avoiding the pollen too.
And freeze
Try putting your pillowcase in the fridge so that it’s cool! Some people swear by chilling all of their sheets, but that sounds extreme…
Get wet
Shower before bed. A cool shower will help to cool you down from a day in the sun. And it will help to remove pollen from your hair and body.
Jug it
Keep a jug of cool water next to the bed.
Breezy does it
Opening a window at the front and back of the house can provide a cooling breeze. Be sure not to do this until late evening though, because early evening brings high pollen counts as the atmosphere begins to cool and pollen settles back down to the ground.
The nose have it…
Apply an organic, drug-free allergen barrier balm, such as HayMax, to the nostrils and around the bones of the eyes before you go to bed, to block pollen before it enters the body. HayMax has been proven to trap over one-third of pollen grains before they enter the body.”
Things that we’re really loving this week. Our pick of some of the best books, beauty, style and home gadgets going.
Stage Mother
⭐⭐⭐⭐
Rating: 4 out of 5.
Stage Mother sees conservative, Texas church-choir director Maybelline (Jacki Weaver) inheriting her recently deceased son’s drag club, and surprising her closed-minded husband, and everyone else she knows, by moving alone to San Francisco to save the club from bankruptcy.
Jacqui Weaver is exceptional as a mother who mourns the death of her son – a drag queen – in the terrific new film Stage Mother. To say it’s a gay old time is an understatement. It’s instead a grand old time, and get ready for a very emotional ending.
‘STAGE MOTHER’ has arrived, ahead of its now earlier theatrical release across the UK and Ireland.
INNERJI
Sometimes you need a pick me up that tastes refreshing, not chemical, step up and come through INNERJI. A brand new drink free from all the nasties that we’ve come to accept from perk-up drinks. It’s the first-ever caffeine-free energising tonic and contains the “revitalising immortality super-herb, Jiaogulan”, found in the mountains of the Far East. Jiaogulan contains energising properties which increase strength and endurance naturally to give you the energy boost you need, without the caffeine. With all that talk of immortality, I’m reminded of Death Becomes Her and I’m living for it.
I have to be honest, I’d not heard about Teamm8 here in the UK, (they come all the way from Australia) until these swim-shorts arrived on my doorstep and now I’m actually in love. Somehow, I’m imagining magic, once worn these turn my butt into a living version of the David statue, Incredible.
As for the design, they are colourful, I’ll give them that. Pride season may sadly be all but over (did it actually even happen) but there are always the beaches of Gran Canaria.
With all the handwashing we’ve been enduring recently, my hands are feeling raw and the cuticle situ isn’t good, it has to be said. Finding a hand cream that doesn’t feel too tacky, but also leaves the fingers and palm feeling subtle is a science, one that Farmologie by Childs Farm have seemingly cracked. Plus I love that this company understands that the planet is important. To that end, the packaging is 100 per cent recycled ocean-bound plastic, which has been ethically sourced. Oh, and the coconut body oil is divine. Vegan and cruelty-free.
Check out their full range https://www.childsfarm.com/farmologie/
The singer/underwear designer Steve Grand has been growing his tash out and flexing his guns and we’re loving the vibe.
Although he’s previously suggested that he looks like the guy on the side of Pringle’s can, we actually think he’s rocking a bit of a 70’s Castro-gay look and we’re wholly on board with this development.
Have you ever seen the acronym BND and wondered what it meant, well simply put it means, Boy Next Door. Although the term is not widely used on Grindr, it can be found on Scruff as a way of describing who you are or what you’re looking for.
What is a Boy Next Door?
Often the Boy Next Door is categories as the “every boy” meaning that he’s probably cute or average looking, average build, average height. Maybe he coy or shy or an introvert and keeps himself to himself. Think unassuming nice lad, who would lend you a cup of sugar or an egg or two if he had them and you’ve got yourself a BND.
It’s a catch-all vanilla-ery term and actually isn’t particularly useful – cause Hanibal and Dexter were guys who lived next door to somebody!
Generally, people’s default is cis and heteronormative stereotypes, meaning when they are probing you about your private life, the assumption is that you’re cis-gendered and straight. Which at best can lead to an awkward pause and at worst spiral some into a pit of anxiety and depression.
To answer that question can mean one of two things, it could out you – and maybe you’re not quite ready to come out (or indeed want to) or it can mean that you have to lie, which ultimately means you’re denying your own identity.
So, how do you answer that assumptive question about whether you have an opposite-sex partner when you’re actually gay, and single.
This question was recently posed on the AskGayMen subreddit and it the wisdom poured out.
The OP wrote, that if he had a boyfriend at the time, he’d quite simply say, “no but I have a boyfriend” but the question he posed was more to do with what to say when you’re single.
Bluntness
“I’m very blunt and to the point so I say ‘No, I like men’. If you don’t feel the need to disclose your sexual preferences a simple ‘No’ should suffice” was a suggestion, (VIA) while another joked, “god no very gay super gay the gayest boy in town definitely not nope never…. but I’m still single”
Career driven
However for someone who didn’t necessarily want to out themselves suggestions were to redirect the conversation to work. Such as “No, I’m focusing on my career right now” or “my studies are taking my focus”.
The convo blocker
Then there the outright conversation stopper, which could sound like, “single and not looking.”
With an answer like that, there’s no way a person can reask, without sounding like a nosey asshole. (VIA)
A truthful approach
If you’re not worried about the reaction to sexuality might be, you could just say “no but I have an ex-boyfriend!” (VIA)
Feedback loop
Another way to remain elusive is to ask the question right back with, “No, do you?” (VIA)
