I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months and he has a fantasy he wants to fulfil. He wants me to have sex with someone else as it’s a turn on for him to hear about it or watch it if I film it.
We are not open, I’m the top and he’s the bottom, but he wants me to have sex with someone else one-on-one without him present. We have had a threesome before together, which is fine because we were both there, but I’m not comfortable emotionally having sex with someone else one-on-one without him present.
With the threesome it was a one-time thing, again he had a fantasy of me fucking someone in front of him, so we did that and it seems to have satisfied him until now. I’m not opposed to having sex with someone else per se, but he wants me to bottom for someone else which I haven’t done in 6+ months and I find that to be very intimate.
Even though he says he has no desire to have sex with others, himself, I am also concerned that will change and he’ll use this as a reason if he wants to do it, himself. I am also worried about what this would mean for our relationship. I do not want to be open, I would consider this a one time experiment, but once you open Pandora’s Box, you don’t know what could happen.
Can you advise if this is a healthy fantasy, what it means, and what you think would happen if I go through with it? Thanks!
Dear Oliver
I think you’re right about it being Pandora’s Box, once you’ve opened up your relationship it can be quite hard to close the lid – unless both of you are totally in agreement.
It seems to me that you’re not both on the same page at this point. You’ve only been together for six months – understanding your partner’s wants and needs takes time and visa versa.
As it stands, it seems he wants you to have sex with people outside of the relationship, effectively opening up your relationship, while you’re happy to have a little opening – but not a wide-open door. At the moment you’re both on a different scale on how open your relationship is.
I would schedule some time to talk and get on the same page.
You both need to make clear what your boundaries are and how far you’re willing to go and what your fears are. But remember that all relationships need a certain amount of compromise – the questions is – are the compromises that you offer each other the ones you’re willing to make?
Of course, compromises should never be so extreme that you’re ultimately in danger or unhappy. Compromises surrounding sexual and mental health issues need to be taken off the table. You’re allowed to say “I’m not comfortable with that”.
Compromises surrounding sexual and mental health issues need to be taken off the table. You’re allowed to say “I’m not comfortable with that”.
You’ve also talked about how things are a “one time experiment” the trouble is that way of thinking can be very limiting. People change, tastes change, expectations change. You might find that you really enjoy doing a particular activity – should it only be a one-time thing, if you’re both into it?
If you can, I’d go in with an open mind and with an open dialogue. Check-in with each other to see how you’re both doing.
As for the fantasy element, almost all fantasies are healthy, but it’s how, when and why you act upon them, which can lead to something being amazing or very unhealthy.
As long as you’re both open and honest with each other about the why’s, how’s and when’s then relax, have some fun.
It’s your relationship, you both get to decide on the parameters – no one else.
If it isn’t fun or safe, then stop.
Remember if you’re opening up your relationship, or thinking about having sex without condoms, consider talking to your local sexual health clinic about PrEP, getting vaccinations for Hepatitis and HPV.
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