They are arguably the funniest thing on Channel 4. Affectionately dubbed the “Gogglebox Gays”, Chris and Stephen won the hearts of the nation in that first series and despite chops and changes to the programme they’ve managed to prove they’ve got staying power. We caught up with Brighton local Chris Steed to talk Space Docking, Cher’s retirement to a garden centre and the strangest thing he’s ever heard about himself.
DUO: CHRIS is on the right.
JH: What should Cher do next?
CHRIS: Oh, god. Oh well, Finally retire. She’s been retiring for the last ten years! I mean what do most people do when they actually retire from something? Join the National Trust and start going to garden centres like most people that retire do.
JH: Okay, which one of the Village People, do you think would be best in bed?
CHRIS: Oh, I would probably say the policeman. I’ll tell you why they’ve got a bit of authority, haven’t they? I always like a man in uniform. Maybe they could get the handcuffs out.
JH: How do you feel about men in onesies?
CHRIS: Oh I love a onesie. I’ve got a onesie. I definitely like a man in a onesie. One zip and it’s all off.
JH: Are you a Zip Up or A Zip Down?
CHRIS: Ooh, I think a zip down is nicer actually because you kind of work yourself down to the main bit. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I’d say a zip downer. It’s nice to see the chest first and then sort of down to, you know, the main bits.
JH: What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever bought, apart from a house or a car?
CHRIS: I did go on a shopping spree to Paris. I went shopping in Louis Vuitton and I ended up spending an absolute fortune so that was quite outrageous and then after I’d finished shopping at Louis Vuitton, because they gave me so much champagne, I decided to go get into a French taxi and they took me to Dolce and Gabbana and I ended up spending a fortune in there. That’s quite outrageous. I’ve worn everything and I’ve used everything apart from a three thousand pound suit that I bought. It’s teal. I’m going to use that for my wedding. I’m going to get married.
JH: Is there actually a date planned for that yet?
CHRIS: Yes, it’s July the eighth.
JH: Will the hubby to be, be wearing something that matches the teal?
CHRIS: He did turn around and say to me, “Because you just spent three thousand pounds on a Dolce and Gabbana suit, does that mean I get a Dolce and Gabbana suit for the wedding?” I said, “If you pay for it, of course.”
JH: Tell me, do you know what space docking is?
CHRIS: Space docking. No, idea. Is it something to do with iPads or something? I have no idea what space docking is. Are you going to tell me what space docking is?
JH: I’ll tell you what it is. Do you want me to tell you what it is? I mean you can’t unhear it (we explain what space docking is)…
CHRIS: Basically one man would insert his helmet into the other man’s foreskin? That’s horrible and pointless.
JH: What’s the strangest thing you’ve read about yourself?
CHRIS: The strangest thing, well I wouldn’t say the strangest thing, I would say the most problematic thing was the fact that Wikipedia phoned up Stephen one time and said, “Oh we just wanted to check, because we’re doing your stuff for Wikipedia, and we wanted to know what your ages are?” He made out that I was older than him. Cheeky f**ker. Because I’m five years younger than him and then I’m sure he said that he was like forty and that I was forty-six or something. I don’t really know if they’ve changed it on Wikipedia because it’s a lie. That’s probably the most outrageous thing that I’ve been made out to be older than I actually am.
JH: We’re going to have a bit of a marry, snog and avoid situation, forgetting obviously that you’re going to get married. Boy George, George Michael and Elton John.
CHRIS: Oh, god. I would snog Boy George, I would marry George Michael and I would avoid Elton!
JH: Well that’s you o the Christmas card list, isn’t it? When he reads that.
CHRIS: Funny that you say snog, marry, avoid cause me and Stephen play a game and it’s called, Lick, Suck, Screw.
JH: Okay, well let’s try that then. Let’s see, let’s pick the leaders of the political parties in the UK. We’ve got Theresa May, we’ve got Jeremy Corbyn, and the other one is Tim Farron for Lib Dems.
CHRIS: Oh my god.
JH: Well, you brought it up!
CHRIS: Oh no. I don’t want to do any of them.
JH: Go on, Theresa May needs to know!
CHRIS: Oh we have to lick Theresa May, probably screw Jeremy Corbyn…
JH: and suck Tim? Brilliant! You see, you’re never going to bring that up again are you!
This interview was taken from Issue 24 out November 2016.