Five gay, short-sporting, horny promiscuous guys with gobs of liquid G, copious consignments of crystal meth, in a smog of monotone club beats opens up a whole production-line of tinned STI’d-worms.  ★★★

CREDIT: Kasia Burke
CREDIT: Kasia Burke

Writer and director Peter Darney has pieced together a play from over 50 hours of interviews from guys using sex apps – more hardware than soft, not for everyone’s tablet.

5 Guys Chillin’ isn’t just a stimulant to keep your eyes expanded to gay sex parties, it’s also an education. Who knew about injecting wangers with caverject? That fisting can induce an explosive touching-Jesus-by-the-hand experience? That some homos drop-to-all-fours for gonorrhea discharge? That one can drink wee from someone else’s booty? And beard ball rubbing is a thing?

What seems like an evening at the funfair can gradually turn into a ride on the Smiler at Alton Towers.  Barney’s depiction of being loose with your lips and ya other bits while carmelysed out of ya conker can lead to supposed secure open-relationships spilling more than their loads, flowing Confessions on a Plastic Sheet and to constantly looking over the strap of your mankini. Potent stuff.

CREDIT: Kasia Burke
CREDIT: Kasia Burke

The sincerity, gurning and tactility that emanates from the five portrayers will make you feel as if you’re a voyeur, voyeuring at a bona-fide pharmaceutical-fuelled fornication-free-for-all.  Impressive work boys.

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Middle America preachiness on occasions: racism, HIV, barebacking, religious obligations and a three-sling-spinning-spit-roast were just some of the ingredients poured into this drugged up cocktail.  It’s wasn’t just the MDMA causing a blur – a smidge over packed.

If you’re not easily flustered by leaky cum bottoms, dildo archery and polyamorous men, and fancy being a bystander at a very real chemsex party, you can score tickets at the Kings Head Islington.

5 Guys Chillin’ Plays at the Kings Head Theatre until 27th February