What can you do if anal sex is just too painful?


Why does anal sex hurt so much I’ve been having anal sex for years and still hurts to this day


Dear Bob,

Your question is one that is asked often and one that has many answers. You say that you’ve been having anal sex for many years and it has continuously hurt, but I’d like to understand if this is unbearable pain or discomfort?

Many guys who bottom will agree that there is a degree of discomfort when it comes to backdoor activities, this is pretty much normal, particularly for newbies to butt sex, but the overall pleasure experienced can often outweigh the discomfort.

But if you are suffering unbearable pain during sex then you may need to seek medical advice from your GP – as there may be a more pressing underlying issue.

That said there are a few things that you can try.

Limit the length

The Ohnut, was designed for women who suffer from endometriosis, to help limit the amount of penis that actually enters the vagina, but it can easily work for anal sex too.

Essentially the Ohnut stops the top from entering you too far – giving you more control over how much cock you’re actually taking.

Worn externally at the base of a penetrating partner e.g. on their shaft or on a toy, Ohnut compresses down to act as a soft buffer during sex. Each set comes with 4 linking rings that allow you to make simple adjustments, so you and your partner can not only discover comfort but also what depths feel really good for both of you.

Lube, Lube and more lube

It goes without saying that lube is always your friend when it comes to sex. I’m sure you’re already using lube but have you tried different types? The lube that you may be using might actually be part of the problem. Don’t just rely on the freebies that you can get from gay bars and clubs.

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There are now lubes specifically designed for anal play, which are thicker and longer-lasting. There are water, silicone and oil-based lubricants available. It might be worth exploring if any of these types make the experience more pleasurable for you. A word of warning though, oil-based lubes are not good for use with condoms.

There’s also numbing lube, but it might not always be a good idea to use lubes that numb, read this article to find out why.

Dilating and self play

Have you tried self play? There are dilators – dildo kits that have a variety of sizes to help you relax the sphincter. You start off with a small insertable and as you become accustomed to the feel and feel you can go larger.

The best bit about this is it’s all you. There’s no rush and you can take time to find out what feels right for you.

Are you relaxed?


One of the biggest issues we face when having butt sex is not the actual mechanics of the butt and all its nerve endings and muscles, it’s actually your mind.

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Are you in a relaxed state? Are you anxious when having sex? Is the sex you’re having, actually the sex you want?

Only you can answer these questions, but having a think about your mind frame when having sex might lead you to some answers surrounding your discomfort.

Always remember if sex is just too painful and you want it to stop, then make sure your partner knows and hears you. It’s your body and you don’t have to continue if you don’t want to.

Have you got a dilemma you’d like to share? Click here to speak to our agony uncle.

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