When I decided to come out, aged 18, I was quite often to be found clubbing away at the weekends and getting the morning bus home from a conquest the night before. Being young, drunk and horny was great fun, though looking back now I do shudder a little at the thought of the random beds I have had the pleasure of sharing, and not just with humans.

Sharing a bed with someone you’ve just met can be incredibly horny as you explore what’s on offer. How often though do you check under their bed or ask when the sheets were last changed? I try to change my bedding every week mainly because I like the smell of fresh linen. However as a student without a washing machine the bedding could be left for weeks if not months. Now don’t judge me, I’m sure there are thousands of other students, and I bet a few older guys too, who still don’t change the sheets once a week? Month?

So what’s the worse you could find in an unchanged bed? Well I had a little chat with the Dyson microbiology team who inform me that although you may not be able to see some horrors, it doesn’t mean they aren’t there. The most common bedroom pest is the dust mite.

These little mites can live for up to 4 months and produce approximately 2000 droppings. With an average of 10,000 mites living in any bed at one time, that’s around 20 million droppings every 4 months. Yum yum. If a bed isn’t changed or hoovered every now and then, the numbers could be a lot higher. Sometimes the morning after when you’ve sobered up and the sun sheds some light into the room, it usually bring a reality check on your choice of mate the night before. However more worryingly is it can also give you an indication as to how many mites you slept with the night before!

Other bed horrors to be found are the larger bed bugs. Whereas the mites may give you itchy watery eyes or a stuffy nose, the bed bugs really like to get involved in the action. Biting into the skin whenever possible to feed on your blood. This blood feeding makes them prone to sharing infections from one partner to another as you sleep. Unlike the mite, which are very hard to spot with the naked eye, the bed bug is quite visible and also leaves visible red itchy bite marks on your body. If he’s bugs about the bed you’ll certainly know about them.

It’s not only the bedroom critters though you have to think about. The average person can perspire up to a litre per night (I’m guessing a little more if enjoying an active night). The bed can also hide many other human fluids including saliva, blood, urine, faecal matter and semen. Then there’s the tea, coffee, beer, vodka, squirty cream to think about. Ah the memories and smell of poppers, lavender oils and squirty cream. The only excitement I see in bed nowadays is the occasional cuppa in the morning.

Now please don’t let any of this put you off your evening plans or make you resort to sleeping in a sterile oxygen tent the rest of your life. Living with mites and microbes are a part of life and generally cause no problems whatsoever. They should only become a concern if left to breed to infestations then you should take action.

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The Dyson microbiology team offer this little tip on getting your bedroom clean:

‘Homes are full of irritants that can trigger allergic responses. Dust mites are the main culprits in hot spot areas where you spend the most time: The living room and the bedroom. Vacuum intensively around beds and under beds if possible, as dust mites can be disturbed and fall to the floor as covers are thrown back.  And don’t forget to vacuum under the sofa; the perfect hiding place for dust mites.’

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So next time you dive into the boyfriend’s bed just check all looks and smells clean, at least at the start of the night!

Happy Sleeping.

About the author: Aunty
The UK's bitchiest agony aunt. Send her your woes if you dare.