Which one is the bride?
Now don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of folks are innocently curious. But when you’re trying to plan your big day, which to you just feels like any other big day out there, the often repetitive questions from enquiring minds can become just a trifle irritating.
And by the way, I haven’t made any of these up – I was asked all of them at least once in the run up to my wedding.
And by the way again, I know number 9 isn’t a question, but it felt worthy of inclusion.
So which of you is like the bride?
Neither, sorry to disappoint your hetero-normative ideals but that’s sort of the point of the whole thing.
Will you both wear suits?
Nah, he’s got a suit and I’ve dug out my fancy dress costume of a bag of chips from last Halloween to wear.
How are you going to walk down the aisle?
One foot in front of the other, presumably. Or maybe we’ll do the conga. Or the cha-cha slide. Everybody clap your hands!
What will you do about names?
Are you going to have a hen do, or a stag do? Or do you call it a hag do?
What I’m going to have, my dear, is a piss up. You may call it what you like.
I’ve got a friend, he’s gay, and he got married. At his wedding he *insert tedious wedding activity here*. Are you going to do that?
Yes, yes – I think I saw him at the club meetings, he told me all about it. Now don’t get me wrong, I do love the idea of a bucking-bronco in the shape of a glittery aubergine, but it’s not quite the direction we’re going to go in.
Are you having a bridesmaid? Or a best man?
Neither. I’m having a cat, wrapped in taffeta with a cherry bakewell tied to the top of its head.
Do you still have someone give you away?
Good grief no, I’m far too expensive. I’m being bought, thank you very much.
At least you don’t have to worry about getting unexpectedly pregnant on your wedding night!
No, that’s true – just the knowledge that there’s still a large chunk of the world who would happily see me executed for being who I am is worry enough. Thank you for giving me some perspective.
And then afterwards to finish off:
Did you know that was the first gay wedding I’ve ever been to? It was much more fun than a normal wedding!
Yes, I agree. It really knocked spots off of that boring one I went to last year, with all the shabby-chic birdcages, hilari-not speeches and tawdry wedding tat … oh wait, that was yours wasn’t it?