This week a reader asks about his emotional state after having sex.
“Why do I feel so sad/empty after sex?”
Firstly thank you for reaching out and I’m sorry to hear that you experience sadness and emptiness after sex.
Firstly, don’t fret, many people experience all sorts of emotions after having sex – sadness and emptiness can be felt by many. Sex is a highly emotional and intimate activity – that sometimes, we as men can forget to check in with how we’re feeling about the sex we’re having.
You don’t go into detail about the type of sex you’re having or if you’re having it with multiple people or just one person, so I’ll try and be broad with my answer.
There’s a couple of questions I’d like you to think about – and perhaps that can help you get into a happier place when it comes to the sex you’re having.
Is the sex you’re currently having the sex you actually want? To explore this further – are you able to advocate fully what it is you want from your sexual partner(s) and are you getting that?
Sex can be complex – there are many factors to take into consideration and everybody who’s taking part needs to be on the same page – to get to this place you need to have a conversation about what it is you want, what they want and whether you’re both compatible. Conversations about sex needn’t be complicated or awkward. Be upfront and honest.
If you feel you’re unable to communicate properly then you may be having the sex you don’t want – which could be leading to the feelings you’re having.
What kind of sexual encounters are you looking for? And are you getting those? For instance, if you’re looking for a deeper connection but you’re only having one night stands this may be causing you to feel empty. It can be very difficult to get emotionally intimate with someone you’re hooking up with for a one night stand, although we do have some tips here.
Do you actually want sex? Sometimes we can feel pressured into doing things we don’t want, and it can be difficult to say “no” particularly in the highly sexualised world that we all live in.
We’re bombarded with images and articles about the sex we should be having and how often we should be having it. Step back and ask yourself – is this what I really want? It’s absolutely okay to not want sex or have actually have sex – especially if it makes you sad.
Check-in with yourself and see how you’re doing.
Anyway, I hope this helps somewhat, write back to me if you want to explain a little further about your feelings.
If you have a dilemma you’d like answered click here
The resident Agony Uncle for THEGAYUK.com with over seven years of counselling experience with the LGBT+ community.