We all remember that first flush of love, when you meet that one man that pushes all your buttons to the point you have to leave the pub early because you just can’t keep your hands off each other. Sex is all consuming and you just can’t wait to see each other to get straight into bed, on the sofa, on the stairs, in the back of the car. But what happens when the initial flush of lust begins to fade and you find that through the process of domestic bliss you and your partner have very different sex drives.

My sex drive has not waned from the levels of testosterone I felt as a pubescent schoolboy and still experience spontaneous erections and a desire to have sex every day, twice per day and three times on Sunday. My partner on the other hand having burned himself out during the honeymoon period has a very different and lesser sex drive. Whilst I would have to describe our sex life as good and satisfying I still want it more. Despite the assumption many gay men prefer to be promiscuous and involve other people to purge this desire for sex, it is possible to remain in a committed monogamous relationship when your sex drives are polar opposites.

Finding the common ground is definitely the key, but when you are as rampant as an adolescent on Viagra and your partner would rather have a cup of tea where do you go? Planned sex? I can think of nothing worse than having a date and time in the diary of when you are going to get conjugal with each other but the allure of guaranteed sex after a night or dinner out does have its benefits. Spontaneity and allowing the partner with the lower sex drive to instigate sex will help but can be as frustrating as waiting for the number 9 on a Sunday service.

Acceptance is the key, I had to see the point from the other side and that not everyone wants or needs as much sex as I do. Do I really need as much sex as I want? The answer is no. I accept that I have a wonderful partner, we share everything, have fun, a fulfilling sex life and a great life together, sex is an added bonus not the key to our relationship. I am more hung up on the act of having sex than the love and intimacy that goes with it in a committed relationship and accepting this and being able to discuss it with my partner has made the fact we have differing sex drives a non-issue.

We have great sex, quick sex, long sex, bad sex, what do I have to complain about? We are in a long-term partnership and still having sex. Just not enough.




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