You know what it’s like, It’s a Saturday afternoon you’re in the city centre with your besties, having a little coffee and possibly a score if you’re in the mood, you’re people watching and you just always end up wondering if that hot bearded barista is of the homosexual kind or not. So here is a handy cut-out-and-keep guide.

UNDERWEAR: It is the old standard, but it really is true, we gays do like a nice pair of pants! And there are 2 or 3 definite makes that say “Hey I’m Gay” Whether it’s the classic white Calvin Klein with coloured waistband, the latest Andrew Christian with pouch enhancement technology or a good old-fashioned jock strap.

FACIAL HAIR: Something of a very modern trend this, but it seems a lot us gays are sporting more and more facial hair these days, as do a lot of straight guys of course, but gay guys tend to have more trimmed, looked after facial hair rather than the unkempt and couldn’t be bother shaving look.

MUSIC: If you’re wondering if the hot boy who has just sat next to you on the bus is a “gay” then have a sneaky look at his iPod if possible. If it’s full of Miley Cyrus, Kylie, Lady Gaga, Beyoncé and the Wicked Soundtrack then yes that “Boy is a Bottom” most likely.

TV: Getting more excited about “The Great British Bake-off” and “RuPauls Drag Race” over the latest football and sports news pretty much guarantees you a golden life time membership of being gay.

SKIN: Lotions, lotions and lots of lovely potions! Every good gay has a wide range of face washes, face scrubbers, body washes, skin moisturisers and after shaves in their bathrooms, maybe even a spot concealer stick hidden away.

EUROVISION: If you hear the object of your potential desire mention Eurovision, then honey you’ve just struck lucky on your big pink bingo card! It’s a scientific fact that straight men are genetically engineered to be appalled by it.

HAIR STYLES: If you find yourself suddenly surrounded by a group of strangers with their hair straightened to all manners of gravity-defying angles with random bits of colour, don’t be alarmed! It’s just your friendly local group of younger homosexuals having a good time.

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HOLIDAYS: If you happen to get chatting to someone at the airport while waiting to board and they mention Gran Canaria or Sitges then congratulations! You got yourself a big ole gay.

STYLE: It’s another old standard, but it still remains very true, we gays know how to dress! From the comfy and casual to trendy or just simply going to work, we just know what to wear, it’s in our DNA!

FOOTWEAR: If you find out that someone has a larger footwear collection than a Judy Garland and Kylie exhibition put together then you got yourself a gay! And who most probably has a little fetish for feet and trainers.

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About the author: George McPhail
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