The Oscars are the ultimate prize of the movie industry but every year the nominees and winners are invariably made up of very worthy films and performances which hardly anybody paid to go see and most films did not even make it too your local Multiplex.

 

Therefore to make your life easier over the next 6 weeks heading up to the big night at the Kodak Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard we give you the list below of the winners that will definitely be taking home a statuette so you can win all the cash on your sweepstake and the ones that should have won due to sheer popularity in performances that were seen by us the paying punters rather than the Soho and Hollywood cocktail set, critics and media whores.

 

Best Film

Will Win – The Revenant

Should Win – Spectre, At the 24th time of trying they finally got everything perfect in a Bond film just needed a swimming trunk scene.

Best Actor

Will Win – Leonardo De Caprio, The Revenant

Should Win – Matt Damon, The Martian, a great performance in a great film from a really hot guy with alledgedley a massive knob even visible in a spacesuit and when he gets it out to piss on his spuds in his space greenhouse…….

Best Actress

Will Win – Brie Larson, Room

Should Win – Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl who is better looking in a dress than any of the five real nominees

Best Supporting Actor

Will Win – Sylvester Stallone, Creed

Should Win – Jason Stathan, Spy for producing the funniest performance of the year (We are trying to forget his previous attempt at comedy in the Pink Panther) and basically sex on legs who should just get an oscar every year for taking his shirt off in all his films – now if only he was gay.

Best Supporting Actress

Will Win -Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs

Should Win – Meryl Streep, The Suffragette as it is written into the US constitution that Meryl always takes home a statue in her goody bag every year and this is all se did in 2015.

Best Director

Will Win – Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, The Revenant

Should Win – JJ Abram, Star Wars : The Force Awakens, for simply getting everything right even against all out of this world over the top expectations to deliver the greatest move of all time – no pressure whatsoever not to f**k up with these fans!

Best Original Screenplay

Will Win – Straight Outta Compton

Should Win – Kingsman: The Secret Service, Where did this gem come from and who knew Colin Firth would be such a great action hero, we think it was all in the writing for this most wholly entertaining film of 2015 – we wish we had scythes for legs too

Best Adapted Screenplay

Will Win – The Martian

Should Win – Selma, well it is a big problem for the oscars that so few African Americans get nominated and this year it is at a whole time low so give the statuette here for this great worthy and well written piece of history.

Best Score

Will Win – The Hateful Eight

Should Win – Fast And Furious 7, At least it had some life and a bunch of decent hits altogether now…Going down for real… !

Best Original Song

Will Win – Writing’s On The Wall/Sam Smith, Spectre

Should Win – See You Again/Wiz Khalifa Ft Charlie Puth, Fast And Furious 7 – Now that was a real hit record rather than Sam whining on and who didn’t weep when studly Paul Walker drove off into the sunlight for the very very last time

Best Animated Film

Will Win – Inside Out

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Should Win – Agreed Inside Out it’s a Pixar slam dunk and when ‘that’ character dies in the middle of the film it made Bambi’s mothers death look like a walk in the park, made kids cry all summer long

Best Costume Design

Will Win – Mad Max:Fury Road

Should Win – Avenger: Age Of Ultron, basically for Thor’s underwear alone although we are not sure that whoever dresses Chris Hemsworth needs anymore job satisfaction the lucky lucky fukka !

Best Make-Up & Hair

Will Win – Mad Max:Fury Road

Should Win – Legend, Two Tom Hardys for the the price of one double the wanking possibilities and you never get confused as to which one is which so that must be down to the hair – we of course preferred the gay Kray twin and we wandered how much acting Tom had to do for that in our fantasies .

Best Documentary Feature

Will Win – Amy

Should Win – Yeah give it to the truly talented and long missed Amy Winehouse, the film was so good she is up for a BRIT as Best Artist two years after she died and when she sings Back in Black…..

Best Documentary Short

Will Win – Who Cares !

Should Win – Channel 5’s The sharks that attacked Hitler (we made that up !)

Best Visual Effects

Will Win – Mad Max:Fury Road

Should Win – Mission Impossible:Rogue Nation, Tom Cruise outside that plane taking off what a nutter couldn’t he climb through the keyhole and why wasn’t he cast as Antman.

Best Cinematography

Will Win – The Revenant

Should Win – The Revenant, So beautiful it isn’t just the best cinematography of the year but the best of the Decade.

Best Production Design

Will Win – The Revenant

Should Win – Everest, if the guys making the Revenant had a tough time in Alaska it was nothing compared to the poor bastards filming this mountain epic and they deserve something for their efferts

Best Film Editing

Will Win – The Revenant

Should Win – Chem Sex, A truly eyepopping film of the London gay sex and drug scene with half of the gay scene making cameos

Best Sound Editing

Will Win – Mad Max:Fury Road

Should Win – Jurassic World, so big, so noisy and so damn entertaining with that true sex god Chris Pratt the only thing that would be better would be the sound of his orgasm at some point in the uber successful blockbuster.

Best Foreign Language Film

Will Win – Son Of Saul

Should Win – White God, Basically we love anything with dogs in and this Hungarian classic had 250 pooches all performing to a higher degree than the entire EastEnders cast and with a truly gobsmacking emotive ending

20% of the earnings you make with the above info from Paddy Power should be sent to The Gay UK Office

by Paul Stag

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