To quote a best friend:
“You must be the unluckiest person I know when it comes to love and men.”

I wouldn’t disagree with her, nor would the rest of my friends, families or readers of this column. But her pearls of wisdom got me thinking. And before anyone says anything, yes, I am capable of getting the old grey matter to work. I’m very intellectual. I’ve got a degree, you know. A line I often pull out the bag if anyone questions my intellect.

But here I go, distracted and side tracked again. Back to what her pearls of wisdom got me thinking about. WHERE AM I GOING WRONG WITH MEN?! To be this undateable, I must be doing something not quite dateable. So I thought, let me retrace my steps. To my last two potential Mr Rights who added themselves to my long list of Mr Wrongs.

Well, first up, there’s a man from Chiswick. I met him on Grindr. And f*ck me sideways, he actually wanted a date and not a quick bunk up on the high road. After the initial shock of being asked on a date (from Grindr), I accepted and we agreed to meet in a beautiful little pub on the river.

As soon as I saw him, I noticed he had slightly BFG ears but this didn’t deter me. I thought, how handy they would be to hold onto when he drops to his knees. PMA. Every cloud has a silver lining. The conversation was quite pleasant and the wine flowed like the rivers of Babylon. Until we got onto the topic of Boy Scouts. I disclosed that my cub leader had been arrested for fiddling with some of my fellow Cubs.

As I continued on in this fashion of unsuitable date conversation, I felt Joan Rivers and Pam Ann (and Sauvignon Blanc) taking over my body and my mouth,

“I had to be questioned by the police. Luckily he didn’t touch me. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

I sat there, laughing and he looked at me,

“That’s not funny!”

“Oh”, my jaw dropped quicker than a gay boy in a football changing room. And before I knew it, he’d booked an Uber and left. Obviously didn’t appreciate my sense of humour. Oh well, at least he admitted it and for once, I had a reason for why a date had ditched me. Our sense of senses of humour were definitely not compatible.

But as you know, you don’t keep me down for long. Not unless it involves a rugby squad and blow jobs. But that’s a story for another column. Anyway, stop the side tracking. I’m scattier than a March hare. Is that even scatty? I don’t know. I just remember my dear old Nan saying it from time to time. Oh no, it’s just hit me. It’s as mad as a March hare. Well, you get the drift!

Back to my story of the second Mr Wrong, who once again, came from Grindr. I know you can see a pattern forming here. Well, we hit it off. We had a spark better than the new year fireworks on the Thames. Or so I thought. We were up until 4 in the morning on our first couple of times talking. And then suddenly, nothing. He did a quicker u-turn than Theresa May. But I thought, hang on a damn second. I ain’t having this so I thought, for once, I’m going to get to the bottom of this behaviour.

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So here is a transcript of a WhatsApp conversation:

MARK: I’m really interested to know what changed for you. Because we were talking till late at night, so full on and then nothing!
MR WRONG: I dunno. I just don’t chase people and doubt we’re compatible in the vanity sense, I don’t care about Botox and fake tan.
MARK: But you knew about the fake tan and the Botox before you spoke to me.
MR WRONG: Well it didn’t bother me but then it did. I can’t help it, I’m just insecure with guys.
MARK: Well, if you’d have just given us a try, you might have had a great time. But now you’ll just carry on with your insecurity. I was there, I was willing…

I do like having the last word. And I’ve never heard from either of these Grindr men ever again. Lesson one that I’ve learned, don’t expect anymore than a shag and an STD from Grindr. And lesson two, it’s not me, it’s them. I feel so liberated.


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Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you'd like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.