A reader asks how he can still have sexy time with his man but make sure that they leave no trace for the inlaws to find.

DEAR UNC

This Christmas my partner and I are staying at his parents, of course, because we’re randy f**kers I want to make sure we can still have sex, even if it is just a fumble between the sheets. What can we do to make sure that the inlaws don’t find our cummy rags or tissues?

Gavin, Totteridge


Dear Gavin,

Have you ever heard of the Rich Man’s Wank? I implore you to employ the RMW technique this Christmas. It’s very simple.

When you have your fumble under the sheets, instead of cumming over yourself (which you then have to wipe down – leaving crusty evidence for the inlaws to find) use a condom.

Yes, sometimes it escapes us, but the humble condom has more than the two normal uses (sexually transmitted disease protection – and blow up balloons at prides), yes you can use it as a semen collector – which, let’s face it, is what its main function actually is.

When you’re done, tie a knot at the opening – come the morning, simply pocket that Jonny, complete with all your little swimmers and flush it (you’re not supposed to do that) so you can bin it in a wrap of tissues.

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Ta Da and Merry Jizzmas!

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